So before the Patriots-Ravens AFC Championship game, some old lady in a sequined Patriots scarf – claiming to be Steven Tyler – screamed the national anthem. It was…not good. Check it out.
But the worst national anthem peformance…and by worst, I mean best…belongs to Michael Bolton. Here is his at 2003 American League Championship Series. Sooooo many details to savor.
a.) Bolton anticipated forgetting the words to the national anthem.
b.) We know this because…he wrote the words on his palm.
c.) And…he does…he forgets the words at the 0:46 mark.
d.) Very nonchalantly Bolton brings his fingertips up to rest on the mike with his palm facing inward. Uh huh. Any delusions that I was smooth in ninth-grade Spanish class now destroyed.
e.) Excruciating silence as he reads.
f.) Immediately, Bolton closes his eyes to recapture the sincerity of his performance.
g.) But, unfortunately, Bolton did not have Adam Sandler’s stupid remote control in Click. His song and the crowd were not put on pause. We all heard his pause.
h.) A cascade of boos affirm, we were not on pause, we saw him read his palm.
i.) The color guard behind him cracks and lets out a mocking smile.
j.) Recognizing that he did not pull off his cheat, Bolton embarrassingly touches his temple and shakes his head. “My bad…”
k.) In a desperate attempt to win back the crowd he gives a little extra on “rockets’ red GLARE!!!”
l.) All of the above took place in 10 seconds time. Amazing.
m.) At the end Bolton, dripping with false sincerity, points to the color guard that earlier laughed at him.
k.) And finally… Bolton gives a clap to the color guard. But! But! But!…he leaves his left hand, the hand with the crib notes written on them closed… resulting in an awkward open hand to closed fist clap. It’s as though he doesn’t want us to see the notes that he just so obviously read. What is Bolton hiding? Does he have nudie pictures drawn next to “were so gallantly streaming.”