“[W]hen I was 12 years old, I was beaten on the playground. Just like the Mitt Romney thing, I was held down and somebody just punched me in the face while other kids watched. And if I could go back to 1968 and trade that experience for being gently masturbated by [Michael Jackson] I would do it in a second.”

–HBO’s Bill Maher on “Conan” Tuesday night. People laughed and Maher is a comedian, so you have to assume this is a joke; but even the worst dead-baby joke could come half as close to as creepy as that was.