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‘It is so incredibly sad’ how caring for elderly parents is viewed today

Aug. 16, 2012 8:23am Liz Klimas

I couldn’t resist pulling this headline’s quote from an article posted last night on TheBlaze about a new campaign portraying the frustrations for those who care for elderly parents. The campaign is meant to drive these caregivers to helpful resources. The quote itself was originally from Dr. Eileen Callahan, a geriatrician at New York’s Mount Sinai Medical Center, who spoke with the Associated Press. She was referring to how “it is so incredibly sad” that family caregivers feel so “isolated” in their endeavors to take care of aging parents and grandparents.

The efforts from the AARP to provide caregivers with more resources to help them juggle taking care of their folks in addition to maintaining their everyday lives should be applauded. But what is also “so incredibly sad” is how taking care of needy parents is portrayed and how with each generation there is an increased unwillingness to make the same personal sacrifices those parents made only a few decades before.

From the AP’s story:

Although they often don’t identify themselves as “caregivers,” more than 42 million Americans perform some form of consistent care for older or impaired adult relatives or friends, according to a 2009 estimate. It can range from paying bills, to driving Mom to doctor appointments, to more hands-on care such as bathing, and even tasks once left to nurses such as the care of open wounds.

“At first you’re just helping out Mom. Then it can become more than a fulltime job,” said AARP’s Whitman.

She described the average U.S. caregiver as a 49-year-old woman who on top of her regular job provides nearly 20 hours a week of unpaid care to her mother for nearly five years.

Did that mom who now needs to be driven to the doctor, bathed and diaper-changed graciously do the very same when said caregiver was then in their infancy and needed it? That was considered a fulltime job, too — moms who also work “day jobs” today will still proudly talk about how being a mom is also a fulltime job, which they don’t get paid for. Did those parents who are now taking a “toll on the caregivers own health and finances as they put off their own doctor visits, dip into their savings and cut back their working hours” once live among a plethora pre-school germs, give up dreams of owning a yacht and probably take on even more work hours after the kids went to bed to try and save for their college education?

More often than not, they did.

So is this how caring for these parents should be portrayed?

AARP Ad Campaign Portrays a Sad Picture of Caring for Elderly Parents

You decide.

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Comments (8)

Jenny Lind
Posted on August 16, 2012 at 3:31pm
In 1990 my husband retired from the Navy, so we could take care of my bedridden Mom. For 16 months I took care of her, with maybe 4 or 5 days off. She was in one position and totally incontinent. Then my Dad came to live with us at age 90. He lived with us for 5 years before he died. I felt I was blessed beyond measure to have that time with my parents. Dad and I took care of Mom as a team with visiting nurses (angels) help. We became more than dad and daughter, but deep friends, so when he came to live with us, our lives just felt “normal”. It should be considered a normal part of our life cycles, to be cared for then to care for. Some help is fine, and welcome but even when difficult, it does not last forever and then they are gone. We have beome so “I,me” that we are selfish to the core. I have to stand in front of my Maker some day not to far off, and this is one place I am not afraid of being asked about. PS-took care of my dying husband too, and I do not regret one single minute.

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ForMyKidsVA
Posted on August 16, 2012 at 12:51pm
There are many differences between caring for your children and caring for an adult. Primarily, parents know that the more time consuming and difficult baby and toddler years will be short lived. With an aged parent, there is no timeline most times. A child who throws a tantrum and a wooden block at your head isn’t exactly a threat to your own health and safety. An adult with hallucinations and a knife in his hand is indeed a very serious matter.

People are living longer than they used to. And with that longevity comes more dementia and more serious health issues. I can’t recall anyone in the older generations of my family ever having to take care of an older relative who had the health issues that today’s older generations have. It used to be simply taking grandma in because she just couldn’t get around very well anymore. Now it’s taking in a grandma who is in danger of wandering out of the house and into the nearest retention pond.

Please, stop making those who have to deal with an aging parent who has hallucinations, dementia, incontinence, etc., feel guilty for being depressed and angry. Unless of course you can put on your halo and say you have dealt night after night with wondering if your loved one is going to attack you in your sleep.

I don’t wish this on my children and I pray to God to take me before I end up a burden to them.

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- Jenny Lind
  Posted on August 16, 2012 at 3:35pm
  Dementia is a whole other kettle of fish, loosing their minds means it’s up to us to find a safe place for them, and then oversee it so no crappy care is alowed. The rest is hard work, but when their minds are intact it’s not impossible. There is help available, and like I said in my post, it does not last forever.
  
  Report this comment
countrykat
Posted on August 16, 2012 at 11:36am
The problem in a simple phrase SPOILED ROTTEN BABY BOOMERS!!! I’m gen x with BB parents. I watched my grandparents GIVE & GIVE & GIVE to their BB kids. While they took everything they could and still do! They are the first gen. that really don’t know what giving & sacrifice is. My wife is a medical professional and has worked very hard for years with the Greatest generation which they truely are the greatest! Very grateful,TOUGH & ask for NOTHING!! Now on the other hand, BB are starting to recieve medicare & my wife couldn’t be more dissappointed! She says they completely drain her energy. They want everything on their schedule yours does not matter. They want to be catered to & she says they are complete wusses!!! How can you care about taking care of your elderly parents when all you do is worry about who is going to take care of you!!!! NEED I SAY MORE???

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USA-Ron
Posted on August 16, 2012 at 11:21am
many of those in nursing homes are constantly needing more care that can or could be
provided by their adult children.

I worked in one of those places for several years as a maintenance man, I saw way more
than ever want to see again.

now, my father is 86 and needs more care than my wife and I can give, medically.
we tried for a short time and our provision just was not enough for Dad.

He is now in a nursing home, being well-cared for but, not happy.
no one would be happy, just being in the condition, health wise, and location wise,
alone, is a terrible way to live, my twin brother lived a nursing home for 19 years
and died at the age of 52.

what shall happen to any of us ?

life is not life-time fair for hardly anyone,

we all wish each other well

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Lori
Posted on August 16, 2012 at 9:43am
As the 24/7 care giver for my 83 year old mom who has Alzheimer’s and dementia and who is still very physically healthy, I found the article disturbing in its portrayal. It assumes caring is a horrible experience, akin losing who and what you are or cutting off a piece of yourself to care for a parent. It was like reading about the grueling horror of battle for military veterans and not focusing on their courage, resiliency, and perseverance. It was like reading only about the traumatic injuries an EMT or ER doctor encounters and not honoring the necessary work they do.

I’ve been the architect of almost all of my mother’s choices for a over 3 years now since leaving her for more than a few minutes can result in security, sanitation, or safety issues in our household. Fortunately, husband’s wage and love have helped me be a “stay-at-home-caregiving-daughter.” It is my my full-time job.
Here are a few things caregiving has given me:
Powerful understanding of what it means to lean on God.
Better sense of unconditional love
Greater freedom from unrealistic expectation in relationships
Courage to face what at first seems hopeless
Resiliency in adversity, as in caregiving in a long-term illness
Humor in the face of excruciating emotional difficulty
Maturity, strength of character, perseverance, stronger marriage…

If AARP wants to really help caregivers, they might want to focus more on the courage, personal growth, and depth of character such sacrifice creat

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- Jenny Lind
  Posted on August 16, 2012 at 3:41pm
  You said that very well, I know the power of leaning on my Heavenly father taking care of those I loved in this world. I know I was lifted up through the tough parts-I couldn’t have done it any other way! God Bless you, we daughters who have done this know the blessings that come from it.
  
  Report this comment
65Mustang
Posted on August 16, 2012 at 9:17am
It is sad to go into a nursing home and see what happens to the senior citizens. The staff provides excellent care but what is the purpose for their lives. I do not believe in “death panels” but what is there that will make the situation better.

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