Forget rising homicide rates and urban gang turf wars. There’s a new sheriff in town and he’s cracking down on… your caloric intake:

Mayor Rahm Emanuel said Wednesday he’s cracking down on the caloric content of vending machines in city buildings and plans to replace them all with healthy vending by next year.

A proposed ordinance, to be introduced this week, will lay out plans for the new machines and detail guidelines on fat, sugar and calorie content starting in January 2013.

Emanuel’s guidelines dictate that only 25 percent of the new machines’ cold beverages can be “high calorie,” or contain 25 calories or more per eight ounces. All hot drinks must not be high-calorie, and all vended drinks must be limited to 12 ounces.

According to the plan, at least 75 percent of food offerings should contain 250 calories or less and at least five items should contain 250mg or less of sodium per serving. A gluten- and nut-free option also must be provided.

Oh, and healthier foods can’t be pricier than their higher-calorie counterparts.

Geez, Jenny Craig.  Anything else?

The announcement comes on the day as the Chicago Public Schools board prepares to vote on a new healthy snack and beverage policy.

An approval would ban pop, sports drinks and energy drinks as well as whole milk during school hours.

Look out, Michael Bloomberg: Nanny Emanuel is giving you a run for your money. Oh, and Chicagoans should probably expect their vending machine fare to get smaller, not healthier, to comply with these new rules.

And now, just for good measure, a message from ThisIsWhyYoureFat:

The Bacon Mug

A giant mug made out of bacon filled with cheddar cheese.