Perhaps the best way to summarize “President Me: The America That’s In My Head,” the new book by Adam Carolla, would be to see what America would look like during President Carolla’s first term in office.
Here are eight nationwide changes (some more than just a little askew) that Commander-in-Chief Carolla would initiate.
1. Crash-test dummies would no longer be all white — and skinny
In an attempt to align with the spirit of diversity in this country, the all-white “cast” that sit inside cars during crash tests will have a racial mix. Plus, they will have to be fatter — to reflect the larger body-mass of most Americans.
2. A big, scarlet “S” would be painted on all cars that cost less than $800
Carolla wants to bring back “shaming” as a form of social course-correction, so labeling the cars that are accidents-waiting-to-happen will alert other drivers. (It’s also a form of “profiling,” pinpointing problem drivers themselves.)
3. Kites and dogs and other fun things will be allowed to return to public beaches
Every year, reading the signs posted at the beach on the 4th of July, Carolla finds it “ironic on the day celebrating our independence and liberty that we [are] being told by the government all the things we [are] not allowed to do.” Carolla will be slicing that list that “gets two feet longer every year.”
Title: President Me: The America That's in My Head
Author: Adam Carolla
4. If you’re on welfare, you don’t get to vote
Carolla puts it this way: “If you’re on welfare, you’re not contributing to the economy. So why should you get to vote? You’re just going to vote to get more free sh*t anyway.” A Carolla administration would also require voter ID, just for the “smartness” factor. It’s not about ethnicity. “I think that if you can’t get it together to obtain photo ID,” Carolla writes, “we don’t need your vote. Your ID doesn’t matter, it’s your IQ I’m worried about.”
5. No more underwater weddings
Carolla has something against “themed” locations and events, and the underwater wedding combines them both. “I don’t care how much you both love SCUBA,” Carolla writes, “In my America the underwater wedding is going to be torpedoed by the Coast Guard.”
6. An “Organ Donor” sticker on your driver’s license gives you “one freebie”
Passing your body parts on to future generations is a serious concern to Carolla, and having a “punch card” system instituted for organ donors will be a way of encouraging more. When you get stopped the first time for a traffic violation, cops will only punch your license, giving you a warning. Also, under a Carolla administration, blood donation would be encouraged by using Dracula-themed donation centers to attract the “Twilight” teens (apparently, in this instance, the administration would look the other way on the ”themed location” law).
7. Certain fruits and vegetables would be totally banned
The list specifically includes zucchinis (“It’s kind of coasting on a cool name… a combination of ‘Zeus’ and ‘bikini.’”) and plantains (“They’re Cuban…essentially a communist banana.”)
8. The Secret Service would be replaced by a flock of attack crows
Mr. Carolla points out that crows “are the meanest, smartest animals on the planet…They’re cheap and abundant…Plus a group of crows is called a ‘murder.’” This is all the protection a President Carolla would need.