Illustration Courtesy of Author.
© 2024 Blaze Media LLC. All rights reserved.
Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire: 2014 Resolutions for America's Political Elite
January 03, 2014
It was a happy, happy, happy New Year and if Democrats were being honest, this is what their resolutions would be.
Barrack Hussein Obama
- I SHALL encourage all citizens to express, without fear of retribution, their thoughts and feelings about Obamacare.
- I SHALL declare that anti-Obamacare folks are not political dissidents, but merely “misguided belief holders.” If they like their beliefs, they can keep their beliefs. Period.
- I SHALL assure everyone who takes action to repeal Obamacare, that they will not be enrolled in “belief adjustment” seminars or railroaded to FEMA re-education camps.
- I SHALL cancel shovel-ready railroad projects linking hundreds of FEMA re-education camps already under construction.
- I SHALL re-open the White House to the public, reinstate veteran’s benefits, cancel welfare to illegal aliens, rebuild citizen trust in my transparent government, and never again take a selfie while wearing my onesie.
Illustration Courtesy of Author.
Michelle Obama
- I SHALL celebrate being “50 and fabulous” with a low-key, budget-friendly family gathering.
- I SHALL develop a behind-the-scenes program to share my vast personal experience with fitness, high fashion, and cosmetic make-over techniques.
- I SHALL resist pressure from Valerie to nominate me to the next wide open seat on the Supreme Court.
- I SHALL cease writing about the need to eat healthy food (especially carrots) since right-wingers have sabotaged sales of my home gardening book.
Illustration Courtesy of Author.
Joe Biden
- I SHALL campaign to become the Democrat candidate for president in 2016 by maintaining high media visibility with witty comments and displays of my sexy, manly body.
- I SHALL select Hillary for my vice-president to help her gain the experience she did not acquire as Secretary of State while country-hopping on her quest for photo ops and a decent haircut.
Illustration Courtesy of Author.
Eric Holder
- I SHALL contemplate the sage advice of Horton, my favorite elephant, who . . .
“meant what he said,
and said what he meant,
and always was truthful,
100 percent”
- I SHALL direct my Department of Injustice to prosecute law breakers without prejudice regarding race, color, and party affiliation, even if the perpetrators cling to God and guns, drive pick-up trucks, live in or near swamps, and have really long beards.
[sharequote align="center"]If they like their beliefs, they can keep their beliefs. Period.[/sharequote]
Illustration Courtesy of Author.
John Boehner
- I SHALL find the courage to just say “no” to Harry Reid.
- I SHALL stop flip-flopping from Republican to Rino to Democrat to Progressive kool-aid drinker and back to Republican.
- I SHALL restore my skin to its natural color, whatever that is.
- I SHALL never ever cry in public again.
Illustration Courtesy of Author.
Hillary Clinton
- I SHALL complete my next best seller, “It Takes the Village People to Transform a Country.”
- I SHALL continue my investigation regarding the loss of four American lives and 20,000 surface-to-air missiles during the Benghazi attack.
- I SHALL appear humble while accepting awards for my work which has made a difference in the resurgence of peace in Syria, Egypt, Somalia, Russia, Yemen, and the Ukraine.
- I SHALL sue to block publication of a sexist book, “How to Succeed in Politics Without Having Accomplished Anything At All.”
Illustration Courtesy of Author.
Bill Clinton
- I SHALL live by my vow of chastity when Hillary’s White House is filled with nubile government interns.
Illustration Courtesy of Author.
Washington D.C. Fire Department
- WE SHALL install hundreds of additional fire alarms in Washington, D.C. to quell the continual pants-on-fire outbreaks.
Illustration Courtesy of Author.
–
TheBlaze contributor channel supports an open discourse on a range of views. The opinions expressed in this channel are solely those of each individual author.
Want to leave a tip?
We answer to you. Help keep our content free of advertisers and big tech censorship by leaving a tip today.
Want to join the conversation?
Already a subscriber?
more stories
Sign up for the Blaze newsletter
By signing up, you agree to our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use, and agree to receive content that may sometimes include advertisements. You may opt out at any time.
© 2024 Blaze Media LLC. All rights reserved.
Get the stories that matter most delivered directly to your inbox.
By signing up, you agree to our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use, and agree to receive content that may sometimes include advertisements. You may opt out at any time.