The fine website Mediaite recently decided to profile (in a verrrrrry non-sarcastic fashion) the Marketplace by TheBlaze, a place where select small businesses across America are able to showcase their stories and products. Some Marketplace members, like Slotto, have seen remarkable success.

We at the Marketplace share our owner’s view of Mediaite. Some stories we love, some stories we hate, and that’s how it should be.

But since Mediaite took so much time to understand the Marketplace, and since their writer obviously understands that to the people who face disasters like tornados, widespread power outages and gas shortages, preparedness is not a joke; we thought we’d return the favor with a very serious examination of Mediaite’s top five stories.

Trying to choose a handful of stories from this Pulitzer-worthy operation is near impossible. While we are pleased with the results, it wasn’t easy. We recognize that there are other worthy contenders, but here are their five most important/amazing/life-changing/definitely-not-trolling-for-traffic stories of all-time that we were able to find in under 3 minutes:

1. Pandas on a Plane. The Woodward and Bernsteins at Mediaite were thankfully available to explain to us that a photo of a Panda Bear sitting in an airplane seat was not real. Whew.

2. Alec Baldwin’s weight gain. You could read their ridiculous story, or you could remember that if you take in more calories than you burn, you gain weight.

3. What Adam Levine thinks of Honey Boo Boo. Tell us what Honey Boo Book thinks of Adam Levine and you might actually have something.

4. Lindsey Lohan Movie Quotes. Potentially brilliant, but they didn’t even write it, they just linked to the people who did (but made sure they got advertising credit for the traffic!)

5. Cher’s Current Crush. I think that Cronkite would be proud to know that his legacy has obviously carried on.

Honest journalism is scarce these days—but fortunately an outlet still exists that is willing to cut through the noise to get at what’s really important in America: Fake photos, celebrity weight gain, and the dating habits of senior citizens.

Thanks, Mediaite.