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Read This ‘Epic’ Email Sent to ‘Brideslaves’ Detailing Their Nuptial Responsibilities

Oct. 5, 2012 5:52pm Liz Klimas

From May through October, there is something in the air. As Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn would famously call it: it’s wedding season.

But a year or more before wedding season comes planning season. One of the first things brides do — sometimes even before setting a date — is put together their wedding party. Some graciously write a note or extend a phone call asking friends and siblings to stand up with them. The newly-minted bride-to-be that we’re about to introduce you to though sends an email requesting consent to terms.

Email From Anonymous Bride Lists Rules for Would Be Bridemaids to Accept

(Photo: Shutterstock.com)

In her email she says it is going to be “the most epic wedding ever,” but after reading it, you’re about to see how it’s really the most “epic” message of rules, responsibilities and nuptial expectations ever laid out to bridesmaids — or “brideslaves” as the person who sent the email to Gawker puts it. Gawker uses it to lay out reasons why you should not become a bridesmaid.

The women’s magazine Glamour picked up on the email too and wrote:

This e-mail is so horrible, I kind of don’t want to expose you guys to it. But I’m going to, so we all have a reminder of the kind of bride you DON’T want to be.

In fact, it is an email of demands and requirements that seem so outrageous from one woman to her supposed friends that we can’t help but wonder if it is an exaggeration. Then again, there are reality TV shows on cable networks devoted specifically to bridezillas.

First, the basics. Should any bridesmaid (slave) be worried about the destination of Vail, Colo., for the blessed affair, as the bride puts it “that seems far away but it really isn’t”. Her suggestion is that the maids start making travel plans early to be better off.

Next, who is in charge: Maid of honor “L” and mom. Maid of honor “L” has the duties of planning the parties but of course “all of you guys do [too] but at the end of the day shes the go to person and makes it happen.”

Now, the ground rules that are “very important you read and think [...] before you accept this honor to be a bridesmaid.”

All wedding-related emails must included “L” as a CC.
If you can’t make it to one of the parties (engagement party in New York or Connecticut, bridal show, shower, bachelorette party in Las Vegas), you are out. “Not to sound harsh.”
Submit all dates you could possibly be unavailable from February until the date of the August 2013 wedding — before accepting bridesmaid post.
If you can’t pony up the cash for all the wedding festivities and garb, you are out. “…everyone knows the states where the parties are going to be held so if you wont be able to afford a flight then that means you cant make a party which ultimately means I cant have you as a bridesmaid.”
Respond promptly to emails. A two to three day delay in responses will remove you from the wedding party. Being out of the country is not an excuse.

We’ve picked out pieces of the email, so be sure to read it in its cohesive entirety here. Warning: the bride, although she took the time to write a detailed, more than 900 word email, did not take care to use proper grammar.

Featured image via Shutterstock.com.

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Comments (112)

ScreaminEagle
Posted on October 5, 2012 at 7:22pm
This one is easy. Take five days to answer the E-mail and your out. Bata bing bata boom. Happy days are here again…..

Rules are rules.

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- L.B.Stephens
  Posted on October 6, 2012 at 10:17am
  Reply to bride:
  
  Your out!
  
  Report this comment
OngoingFreedom
Posted on October 5, 2012 at 7:20pm
“reply”=”No thanks”

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- Xyskalla
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 10:07pm
  It’s probably not real, but it’s good for a laugh.
  
  Report this comment
Joker50
Posted on October 5, 2012 at 7:19pm
I think my stepson just married this woman!

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- MOLLYPITCHER
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 9:17pm
  That sucks.
  
  Report this comment
donaldchar
Posted on October 5, 2012 at 7:17pm
Even if the bridegroom is a full-fledged masochist, and the marriage lasts more than 12 months, I’d so wish to be a fly on the wall when they’re in private. That has some entertainment possibilities. On the other hand, she’s obviously not familiar with unsequestered life and might become a fast learner. Then again, she & her beau seems at home in Lost Wages, NV…

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- Tired of Code Names
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 7:26pm
  Either he can afford her and is on board…..and she sort of understands where the money comes from and the rich elites can and do figure out the pre-marital rules and sign on…or this guy is a total moron and needs to learn to wear the dress in the house. He needs to learn to pay for the princess. If that means he has to work a 60 hour work week, come home, clean up dishes and then cook, and then take care of kids while she “gets” her justly deserved “escape” from the children and go shopping…… and then he has to get homework done and then clean house to keep his princess happy….well good for him. I failed at that. She was not a princess until she had my money. Then the whole game changed. This guy is in a world of trouble unless he makes ALOT of money.
  
  Report this comment
Kupo
Posted on October 5, 2012 at 7:15pm
That groom needs to GET OUT OF THERE! Who would even want to date such a shrew, let alone marry her? That aside, I don’t understand the appeal of having big, elaborate weddings. So many better things to do with one’s time and money.

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- brasasman
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 8:03pm
  Imagine the first time the Groom leaves the toilet seat up, “You’re out!”
  
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- MOLLYPITCHER
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 9:20pm
  @Kupo
  I know what you mean. You could put a decent downpayment on a house with what my sister in law’s family spent on her and my brother’s wedding.
  
  Report this comment
Camptown Races
Posted on October 5, 2012 at 7:03pm
Big deal… another Bridezilla. What else is new? Any wonder the divorce rate of first marriages is close to sixty percent? 80 percent for second marriages?

I thank the dear Lord for women like my wife every day I wake up. We handled EVERYTHING for our wedding: Hand made invitations. My wife made all the bouquets. We bought and cooked everything for the reception of fifty people. My wife’s dress cost 99 bucks off the rack at a Bridal boutique sale. My tux was 75.00 bucks. I arranged, performed, and recorded the music tracks and WE sang as a duo coming down the aisle. I also set up a three camera video system and then edited the final event video myself. I had everybody send me video files of their own to add to it. The biggest expense was actually six pairs of purple Converse hightops for the entire wedding party, including the bride. All told….. seven hundred bucks. After it was done, we received so many compliments on the event being one of the most romantic and loving weddings they had ever been to. THAT will have been the biggest testament of it all… It’s about the LOVE……

I pity the groom. Either he has no idea what he’s doing…. or something tells me we’ll be hearing about how he actually did “L” sometime before big event simply out of spite……… She is, of course…. the “go to” woman, isn’t she??? : )

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- iglooanne
  Posted on October 6, 2012 at 11:24am
  Awesome sauce! My wedding was much the same, three bridesmaids, made the dresses, used my aunts wedding dress, friend made the cake, neighbor hosted the reception on the front yard by the pond with a bonfire and fireworks! I have people still coming up to me now 17 years later saying it was the best wedding and reception they have ever been to. More people need to realize that big wedding and spending money only lead to big problems and more spending. Loved your post.
  
  Report this comment
Larry E
Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:55pm
I’ll bet the marriage will be an “epic” too. Sort of like Beowulf and about as loving and peaceful. What a piece of work that bride must be.

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- speaker-nightlight
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 7:05pm
  To the bride: You are nowhere near mature enough to get married. Snookie is more ready for marriage than you are. Give up the idea of this wedding hon, because even if you were to have friends left after the wedding- you wouldn’t have a groom left for long. Take some pre-nuptial counseling and save your money for furniture. In about 10 years with hard work and good progress- you MIGHT be mature marriage partner material. From- married 33 years.
  
  Report this comment
FEMALL
Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:43pm
I feel sorry for the doomed groom.

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- RetiredSF
  Posted on October 6, 2012 at 8:17am
  I don’t. He deserves everything that he is going to get for being a fool. Just think about what kind of kids she will be raising.
  
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- RetiredSF
  Posted on October 6, 2012 at 8:21am
  I don’t. This fool deserves everything he is going to get. Imagine the kind of kids she will raise! For that matter, imagine what his monster-in-law is like. She created this beast.
  
  Report this comment
coyote1hell
Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:38pm
Big “(o)” said..My daughter, Meeh..uh meech..umm..well you know..?..wrote this, for the bride..Therefore..uh.. the grammer…yeppp..

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Eastinfection
Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:38pm
Sorry to the ladies in the audience but the whole concept of a “dream wedding”, cultivated from childhood, is a recipe for disaster. NOTHING measures up to a fantasy held for 20yrs or more… including the groom.

If a “dream wedding” is on your agenda, you may as well put it on your bucket list because it will be the last significant moment of your life before you die a slow, bitter, lonely death.

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80mesh
Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:36pm
35 years ago our wedding cost $350, were close to 100 people, had king crab, halibut, alaskan shrimp, moose steak and went halibut fishing that afternoon and if you couldnt make the party we came and got you. it only lasted for 3 days cuz i had to get back fishing. basically everyone in town was invited and near all brought something to eat/drink

no bravado there …just show up and paaaaarrrrrty

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PurrrpleMtnMajesty
Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:32pm
Wonder how many guys the groom had to beat off to be the ONE she chose!

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- Eastinfection
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:43pm
  “Wonder how many guys the groom had to beat off”…
  
  Yikes! If that’s true she’s gonna be really pissed of to find out her fiance is gay….
  
  Report this comment
- 2MINUTESTOMIDNIGHT
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:44pm
  Not the best choice of wording there Purrrple.
  
  Report this comment
- The Gooch
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 7:00pm
  Holy crap. Comedy gold.
  
  Report this comment
- Shasta
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 7:41pm
  Purrr, your response was better than the story.
  
  Report this comment
- Xyskalla
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 7:56pm
  We should start a pool. How long before one of them files for divorce? I pick one month and 3 days.
  
  Report this comment
- CrabbyAzz
  Posted on October 6, 2012 at 11:57am
  Nothing wrong with Purrrs response, its what y’all were thinking when you read it
  
  Report this comment
piper60
Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:31pm
If I got an E-Mail like this, I’d tell the bride to take a flying leap.

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- SFfam
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 7:15pm
  Me too! Flying all over the country for HER parties? You’ve got to be kidding!
  
  Report this comment
Shamrock241
Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:31pm
Tip of the Day guys, get yourself a Russian Bride, since coming from a life of communism she will be way less maintenance then these self-centered Bitty.

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- OlderCowGirl
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 7:04pm
  I feel very sorry for the Groom…wow…can you imagine being married to this wench? I can’t imagine being a friend of hers…stay far away from me “about to be Mrs-T-Rex”. Guys…take note: if your woman (to be) is a T-Rex now…later she will be the comet that brought on the worst Ice Age.
  
  My mother was my inspiration on how to be a wife: She was awful to my Dad. I vowed I’d never be a horrible nag=wench to my husband. I hated (as a kid) how my mother treated my father.
  
  I say “Run Groom Run” while you can.
  
  I’m a happily married woman to the most awesome husband!! The secret is that I treat my husband with respect. Men will come home…to a pleasant wife.
  
  Yes, there are men who take advantage of pleasant women…kick their butts out!!
  
  Report this comment
SIXFRIGATES
Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:27pm
Why is this even on the Blaze?

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- chips1
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:30pm
  Why don’t you start your own web site and quit complaining?
  
  Report this comment
- gabbygirl
  Posted on October 7, 2012 at 9:31pm
  We don’t really need the comedy we have Obama’s lame excuses to chuckle at.
  
  Report this comment
chips1
Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:26pm
This is just standard practice in Kenya. If you can’t keep up, how are you going to catch up?

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Slowman101
Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:19pm
Wow. What a piece of work.

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diverdan
Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:13pm
The bridesmaids and the groom should opt out by email.

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- The Gooch
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:14pm
  Ha! No doubt. Good one, Dan!
  
  Report this comment
- DAH90
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:48pm
  Amen to that!
  
  Report this comment
- OlefromMN
  Posted on October 6, 2012 at 12:13pm
  Be sure to copy “L” on that too.
  
  Report this comment
- iblvingd
  Posted on October 6, 2012 at 4:01pm
  This liberal bride must work for Obama or the Liberal Media, then this all makes sense. Everyone needs to do their fare share right? Equality for all?
  
  Note to the Brideslaves…..ladies if this Biotch Bride is a so called friend, you sure as heck don’t need any enemies.
  
  Report this comment
- iblvingd
  Posted on October 6, 2012 at 4:12pm
  Is the bride Debbie Wasserman-Schultz evil twin?
  
  Report this comment
briten821
Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:10pm
Let me be the first to say… GET A LIFE!!! People these days think everything is about how great they are and how everybody should want to be part of a giant celebration of them! It’s INSANE for people to be spending as much on a wedding as a car… or a house. Great idea! Start of married life in massive debt just because you have a giant ego!

My wife and I had a nice wedding that we could afford. We had lots of friends, a beautiful ceremony, and a great reception. And we didn’t go into debt for it. A new life together is hard enough without having to pay off a week long celebration of excess and egotism!

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- Anonymous T. Irrelevant
  Posted on October 6, 2012 at 12:03am
  I would have said, OOPS, I am busy a few days during those parties, so go ahead and do it without me. I may or may not be able to attend your wedding, so, best wishes if I don’t make it. Have a good life. Write them off, end of story.
  These are most likely to whine about what kind of gift you got them, too. That it wasn’t the right brand, or some such. You are better off not having friends like this.
  
  Report this comment
thegoldman
Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:08pm
Ya,ya,ya,ya……..

Wonder what the email said to the groom ?

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- PATTY HENRY
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:13pm
  I wonder who’d be dumb enough to BE the GROOM!
  
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The Gooch
Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:07pm
Um, who treats “friends” and relatives like this? Oh, authoritaran jerks. If you WANT a perfect (and directed wedding), hire professonal actors.
What is this trend in making weddings as miserable as possible? Oh, the influence of reality TV and the “It’s all about ME!!!” syndrome.

The only logical response to this e-mail would be short and not so sweet.

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theotherberean
Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:06pm
Why all the fuss? This is a cake walk compared to the requirements for a Mormon Temple wedding.

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- PATTY HENRY
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:15pm
  There you go again.
  
  I guess YOU think this is subtle? I this the daily/hourly anti-Mormon campaign ?
  
  Report this comment
- SingerGuy
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:15pm
  You have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. My wife and I did our wedding for less than $400 including the rental of my tux and purchase of her dress. I’ve seen lots of LDS weddings that were done very economically.
  
  Report this comment
- Joey8
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:33pm
  @theother
  LOL, fail
  
  Report this comment
- grimmster
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:34pm
  @theotherencinom.
  Epic fail there dumbass, now, back up stairs and finish your spagetti-o’s…..
  
  Report this comment
- 2MINUTESTOMIDNIGHT
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:42pm
  THEO: I am completely confused by the whole anti Mormon thing. Why do anti Mormons care what Mormons believe? Do their believes have any effect on you? Are you also an anti Jehovah’s Witness or an anti Episcopalian or an anti Baptist or an anti Pentecostal etc…? Really – why do you care what someone else believes? Please explain.
  
  Report this comment
- theotherberean
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 7:22pm
  Tell you what. When all the Mormon trolls who haunt this message board stop talking about Mormonism, I’ll shut up too.
  
  Deal?
  
  Report this comment
- theotherberean
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 7:25pm
  @2MINUTES
  
  Good question. Why do Mormons go knocking on doors telling people my religion is an abomination?
  
  Report this comment
- theotherberean
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 7:26pm
  @GRIM
  
  Next time you soil your diaper, tell your mom. We don’t really care about your toilet habits.
  
  Report this comment
- theotherberean
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 7:29pm
  Hey @SINGER, maybe that’s because nobody could attend your secret wedding in the Temple except your Temple certified Mormon buddies?
  
  Report this comment
- Joey8
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 7:39pm
  I’m convinced media matters is getting desperate after the debate. They’ve sent theother to trash Romney’s faith and get evangelicals to not vote. Pure desperation. Why are the trolls so easy to spot? They never tell you what they believe because media matters doesn’t provide that for them
  
  Report this comment
- theotherberean
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 7:54pm
  @PATTY
  
  I ask myself the same thing every time Beck extols the virtues of Mormonism on his show. Then I ask myself if that’s why I’m supporting him with my money, and the answer is NO. I like his political views in spite of his religion. So someone please ask him to stop with the religious Mormon crap because not only is it obvious he doesn’t realize he’s worshipping an idol named jesus christ instead of the true Jesus Christ of the Bible, anymore than most Mormons realize that, but he’s also not the only game in town when it comes to political radio talk show clowns. If he wants any more of my money he should at least as you suggest above, keep it to himself.
  
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- theotherberean
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 7:57pm
  JOEY8
  
  Getting desperate? Haven’t you made enough of a fool of yourself yet? First I was Keith, then someone else, now I’m media matters. LoL and you’re an idiot.
  
  Report this comment
- SaturdaysWarrior76
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 8:44pm
  *** Rolls eyes*** Whateverrrr…. grow up.
  
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- theotherberean
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 9:28pm
  Just gotta have a say too, eh SATURDAYS?
  
  Arrogant, pea brained Loudmouth’s just can’t keep their mouths shut can they?
  
  Report this comment
- The Jewish Avenger
  Posted on October 6, 2012 at 4:47am
  Ah another out of touch liberal comes to stroke his ego by hiding behind another false title….
  
  Enjoy your few hours of fame, soon you’ll be a post that people pass by like you didnt even exist.
  
  P.S. Your post was retarded, you knew the flame was coming… and we know what happens after your responses…Bu bye.
  
  Report this comment
- 2MINUTESTOMIDNIGHT
  Posted on October 6, 2012 at 11:55am
  Theo: You spewed a lot of vile garbage but you still didn’t answer my question. If you are so insecure about your own beliefs that you have to criticize others’ beliefs, you have a serious problem buddy. The United States of America is based upon a free flow of ideas. You can accept or reject ideas and beliefs at your pleasure; but you still haven’t explained why or how a Mormon’s belief effects you.
  
  Report this comment
- theotherberean
  Posted on October 7, 2012 at 8:22pm
  @THE JEWISH AVENGER
  
  Your screen name sounds like something a 12 yr old would come up with. LoL
  
  Ker sploosh! That was the sound of flushing.
  
  Why do you want people to ignore me? I thought the truth had no agenda.
  
  Next time you soil your diaper, tell your mommie. We don’t really care.
  
  Report this comment
- theotherberean
  Posted on October 7, 2012 at 8:31pm
  @2MINUTES
  
  You’re the one who is spewing vile garbage, I told the truth, you just don’t like it.
  
  @2 said: “you still haven‘t explained why or how a Mormon’s belief effects you.”
  
  I’m a Christian and I stand for the truth.
  
  LDS Apostle B. H. Roberts wrote, “Saddening as the thought may seem, the Church founded by the labors of Jesus and His Apostles was destroyed from the earth; the Gospel was perverted; its ordinances were changed; its laws were transgressed; its covenant was, on the part of man, broken; and the world was left to flounder in the darkness of a long period of apostasy from God… a universal apostasy from the Christian doctrine and the Christian Church took place” (D.H.C., Vol. I, Introduction, pp. 39 and 41).
  
  If “that” is the garbage you accuse me of spewing, then yes, that is certainly garbage.
  
  Report this comment
- Joey8
  Posted on October 7, 2012 at 9:32pm
  @theother
  weren’t you saying earlier that the Catholic church isn’t Christian? So you don’t think that they fell away? Why aren’t you Catholic then? Oh wait, you think they are non-Christian apostates but you still believe their creeds and you think the book they compiled is perfect. That makes sense lol
  
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Psychosis
Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:06pm
this was moochelle obowmao’s wedding email

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- dublinthewagons
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:55pm
  I can see that. A skunk doesn’t know how bad they stink.
  
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MCDAVE
Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:03pm
The groom should run for his life…HIGH MAINTENANCE WOMAN.

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- Capt_Gregg
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:18pm
  BINGO!!!
  What sane man would marry this woman? Unless he wants a surrogate mommy to run his life, they’ll be divorced within a year, and you can bet she’ll engage a lawyer that will clean him out.
  
  Report this comment
- chips1
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:37pm
  Does this mean Barney is in divorce court already?
  
  Report this comment
Leadthemtothelight
Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:02pm
The longer the wedding the shorter the marriage.
Whoever this bride is she seems like a real bitch. I would gladly be removed from that kind of blatant abuse.

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- PATTY HENRY
  Posted on October 5, 2012 at 6:18pm
  You speak the truth. The happiest Marriages I’ve ever seen or heard about were those who were centered around loving families; prudence; CHURCH; and consideration for guests. The happiest couples over the years were those who didn’t squander their $$$ on some stupid wedding but paid a down payment for their home; bought a second car; got great ‘convenience’ gadgets for their home; saved $ and built a cushion against tough times! THE only people who enjoy the 5-6 figure weddings are the vendors!
  
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