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You Are All Underachieving Disappointments: U.K. Dad’s Scathing Letter to His Kids Goes Viral — Do You Agree?

Nov. 29, 2012 4:20pm Liz Klimas

It’s probably safe to say everyone has experienced the feeling of parental disappointment — whether that be as the child having disappointed your parents at one time, or as the parent expressing it. Channeling the essence of this disappointment, perhaps you’ll be able to understand — or not — what drove one parent to pen the scathing email to his kids included below.

That email, sent from retired British nuclear submarine captain Nick Crews to his three children earlier this year, has taken the UK by storm, and now it’s finally made its way across the pond and is going viral in the U.S. It’s easy to see why. The no-nonsense letter focuses on what a disappointment Crews’ children have been to him and their mother, and how they have failed both in life and their marriages.

Retired British Submarine Captain Nick Crews Email Expressing Disappointment to His Children Goes Viral

Nick Crews (Image: The Daily Telegraph)

Here are some of the most shocking passages of the nearly 700-word email that begings “Dear all three” (Note: Emphasis added):

We are constantly regaled with chapter and verse of the happy, successful lives of the families of our friends and relatives and being asked of news of our own children and grandchildren. I wonder if you realise how we feel — we have nothing to say which reflects any credit on you or us.

Each of you is well able to earn a comfortable living and provide for your children, yet each of you has contrived to avoid even moderate achievement. Far from your children being able to rely on your provision, they are faced with needing to survive their introduction to life with you as parents.

None of you has done yourself, or given to us, the basic courtesy to ask us what we think while there was still time finally to think things through.

It makes us weak that so many of these events are copulation-driven, and then helplessly to see these lovely little people being so woefully let down by you, their parents.

I can now tell you that I for one [...] have had enough of being forced to live through the never-ending bad dream of our children’s underachievement and domestic ineptitudes.

The 67-year-old went onto write that he doesn’t want any of his children to further burden their mother with their “miserable woes.” And he doesn’t want to hear from them until they have a “REALISTIC” plan that would support and provide happiness for his grandchildren.

“You’ll have to come up with meaty reasons to demolish my points and build a case for yourself. If that isn’t possible, or you simply can’t be bothered, then I rest my case.”

Crews finally ends saying, “I’m bitterly, bitterly disappointed.”

Now, we know what you’re thinking. No, Crews did not publicly release the email himself. The New York Times columnist David Brooks notes that it was released by one of Crews’ daughters who is drumming up publicity for her book.

This email, as Brooks put it, has made Crews a “popular folk hero.” But Brooks doesn’t see how such a letter or threat will lead to change, aside from being “emotionally satisfying” to the parent. He wrote:

People don’t behave badly because they lack information about their shortcomings. They behave badly because they’ve fallen into patterns of destructive behavior from which they’re unable to escape.

Brooks wrote that to enact change, it would be better for Crews’ to help create a plan for abolishing the bad behavior instead of just calling it out.

“Change the underlying context. Change the behavior triggers. Displace bad behavior with different good behavior. Be oblique. Redirect,” he said.

But, we all would probably agree that for Crews, as a parent of adult children, “lay[ing] down a pre-emptive set of concrete rules and rewards,” as Brooks suggests, sounds a bit juvenile.

Crews though, in an interview with the Daily Telegraph said that although he doesn’t regret sending the email and admitted that it was a relief to push send, he has some regrets from when his children were younger and about the letter going as public as it did (his daughter did ask permission though). Here’s some of what he had to say regarding the letter:

“I think that the bit about ‘copulation-driven indulgence’ was below the belt — forgive the pun — even if it did make people sit up and take notice.

“I was trying to express my frustration at these wonderful grown-ups who had yet to make the best of what they had. They have read the criticism, but not seen the enduring love through the lines.”

He pauses: “I haven’t done well as a father, have I?”

Even with these sentiments though, he doesn’t completely back down from his strong stance expressed in the letter. The Daily Telegraph reported that Crews blames modern society for the state of younger generations’ current mindset.

“[It's] a cancerous cocktail where on the one hand everyone is supposed to be free to do whatever they wish, but on the other we all expect protection from the consequences of our actions,” Crews said, according to the Telegraph.

Crews’ son, who told the Daily Mail last week that he hasn’t spoken to his father since (in fact only Emily, the one who released the letter, is speaking with the parents), wouldn’t necessarily agree with his father.

“My father made me who I am today and I think he did a good job,” Fred Crews said. “I do not leech off him, my mother or society – except for a brief stint on Job Seekers’ Allowance – nor am I a criminal of any sort. I try to keep to the values I have been brought up with.”

Still, Fred Crews told The Daily Mail he’s not speaking with his dad until he apologizes.

“He said he didn’t want any of us to contact him again until we had some good news,” Fred Crews said. “Well, if he wants us to talk to him now, then he shouldn’t have written that. That’s what needs to be apologised for.”

Here’s Crews’ full email to his children:

Dear All Three

With last evening’s crop of whinges and tidings of more rotten news for which you seem to treat your mother like a cess-pit, I feel it is time to come off my perch.

It is obvious that none of you has the faintest notion of the bitter disappointment each of you has in your own way dished out to us. We are seeing the miserable death throes of the fourth of your collective marriages at the same time we see the advent of a fifth.

We are constantly regaled with chapter and verse of the happy, successful lives of the families of our friends and relatives and being asked of news of our own children and grandchildren. I wonder if you realise how we feel — we have nothing to say which reflects any credit on you or us. We don’t ask for your sympathy or understanding — Mum and I have been used to taking our own misfortunes on the chin, and making our own effort to bash our little paths through life without being a burden to others. Having done our best — probably misguidedly — to provide for our children, we naturally hoped to see them in turn take up their own banners and provide happy and stable homes for their own children.

Fulfilling careers based on your educations would have helped — but as yet none of you is what I would confidently term properly self-supporting. Which of you, with or without a spouse, can support your families, finance your home and provide a pension for your old age? Each of you is well able to earn a comfortable living and provide for your children, yet each of you has contrived to avoid even moderate achievement. Far from your children being able to rely on your provision, they are faced with needing to survive their introduction to life with you as parents.

So we witness the introduction to this life of six beautiful children — soon to be seven — none of whose parents have had the maturity and sound judgment to make a reasonable fist at making essential threshold decisions. None of these decisions were made with any pretence to ask for our advice.

In each case we have been expected to acquiesce with mostly hasty, but always in our view, badly judged decisions. None of you has done yourself, or given to us, the basic courtesy to ask us what we think while there was still time finally to think things through. The predictable result has been a decade of deep unhappiness over the fates of our grandchildren. If it wasn’t for them, Mum and I would not be too concerned, as each of you consciously, and with eyes wide open, crashes from one cock-up to the next. It makes us weak that so many of these events are copulation-driven, and then helplessly to see these lovely little people being so woefully let down by you, their parents.

I can now tell you that I for one, and I sense Mum feels the same, have had enough of being forced to live through the never-ending bad dream of our children’s underachievement and domestic ineptitudes. I want to hear no more from any of you until, if you feel inclined, you have a success or an achievement or a REALISTIC plan for the support and happiness of your children to tell me about. I don’t want to see your mother burdened any more with your miserable woes — it’s not as if any of the advice she strives to give you has ever been listened to with good grace — far less acted upon. So I ask you to spare her further unhappiness. If you think I have been unfair in what I have said, by all means try to persuade me to change my mind. But you won’t do it by simply whingeing and saying you don’t like it. You’ll have to come up with meaty reasons to demolish my points and build a case for yourself. If that isn’t possible, or you simply can’t be bothered, then I rest my case.

I am bitterly, bitterly disappointed.

Dad

Would you agree with Nick Crews’ overall sentiments? Let us know what you think in the comments and take our poll.

Be sure to read more about Crews’ thoughts after his email went public in the Daily Telegraph’s full article here.

TheBlaze’s Jonathon M. Seidl contributed to this post.

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Comments (253)

BlackCrow
Posted on November 29, 2012 at 5:39pm
Sounds like Obama voters.

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- AvengerK
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 5:59pm
  LOL…”With last evening’s crop of whinges and tidings…[...]“. Whinges is one of those words that just nails what it’s referring to…look it up.
  
  Report this comment
- SendTheMeteors
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 8:07pm
  I’m sure he’s been showing his kids this kind of “tough love” their entire lives. Surprising that despite that he still managed to raise a bunch of screwed up kids.
- starman70
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 8:35pm
  This should be read to the Occupy Wall Street bums and the union hacks who are ruining this country.
  
  Report this comment
- chips1
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 8:39pm
  I have a feeling that Hillery’s village got hold of the kids.
  
  Report this comment
- Walkabout
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 8:53pm
  SendTheMeteors
  The writing style & choice of picture remind me of the troll with the moniker “Don’t bother me” or” Don’t Bother me None”.
  Except that poster had a MALE picture. But both his (?) picture & your are of a brooding young person who is supposedly oh so enlightened.
  
  Nice try at psychological warfare but it is so FAIL
  
  ROFL LMAO @U!
  
  On 2nd thought since you take this psy warfare so seriously & try to convert, demean or disport the majority of people on this site, maybe we should up the ante. Maybe you need to be outed?
  
  Obama has not stopped campaigning & you have not stopped the psy ops. The left never sleeps.
  
  Report this comment
- Walkabout
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 9:07pm
  ‘copulation-driven indulgence’
  
  The Sandra Fluke definition of civilization.
  
  Report this comment
- SendTheMeteors
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 10:55pm
  WALKABOUT, you remind me of the of another fact-free paranoid conspiracy theorist here. Or rather I should say the type of person who lives in imaginary fact-free bubble, there are lots of people cut from the same dolt of cloth.
- DeOppressoLiber
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 11:33pm
  What is all the fuss about this is what happens in a socialist country. Socialists never want to talk about Human Nature and humans really are.
  
  Mediocrity raises to the top in socialist and communist countries.
  
  Report this comment
- Classical Liberal
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 3:17am
  The man was a nuclear submarine captain. My guess, based on my experience, this man was not there for his children for much of their young lives. He probably did not get to do much parenting.
  
  Such is often the case for navy officers and their families. I’m sure the man regrets what he said now but it may take time to repair the damage he caused.
- ToddH
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 3:32am
  I don’t know how anyone could have answered this poll by assuming we know enough about this situation to judge the father’s actions.
  “Yes, it had to be said”??? This letter was so incredibly vague I would swear it was a candid camera test just to see if people automatically side with edlerly parents or grown children in a family dispute.
  I read the whole thing, and I still don’t have a full grasp on what he’s talking about. I can make assumptions that would justify his words, sure, but those would only be my assumptions, and the assumptions could only be made regarding their relative ages compared to his.
  However, I hope he is just overly critical as a grandparent. I hope these three are not really letting their own small children down all the time.
  
  Report this comment
- savagenatn
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 5:49am
  exactly…underachieving commie idiots
  
  Report this comment
- Quiata
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 6:22am
  @WALKABOUT “The left never sleeps.” …just like rust, and about as effective to the communities and populations it infects.
  
  Report this comment
- kadster01
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 8:27am
  I would say the spirit of this letter is not a new sentiment for the parents, and it has, furthermore, played a very important role in shaping these kids about whom the father is so eloquently complaining. At least, at one point, he does recognize his own failings. Yes, his kids are adults now and in charge of themselves, but the “programming” of the past is very difficult to work against. It’s still the kids’ responsibility – nothing will change that – but I seriously doubt this letter will do anything but cause bitterness and division. Maybe that’s what the father really wants.
  
  Report this comment
- atechgeek
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 9:19am
  My two oldest brothers are like this and I wish my father disowned them. I honestly believe they pushed him to his grave early. They were exactly like the Obama crowd .. entitlement junkies. I and my closest brother have never asked for a dime since we left the house .. and one of the older brothers is STILL pissed 15 years later after my Dad died because he thinks he didn’t get his fair share .. when in fact he got the most and pissed it all away. I have no sympathy for anyone like my two older brothers nor any Obama voters.
  
  Hire a Conservative .. Fire a Liberal
  
  Report this comment
- Pantloadian
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 9:27am
  JUDGE SMAILS . . . How interesting and provocative. Too bad you had to quote somebody else to get there. Baby steps.
  
  Report this comment
- Quiata
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 9:28am
  @KADSTER01 The “programming” you’re describing is an artifact of the culture at large. We’re now reaping the effects of several generations of people immersed in and raised by pop culture. The influence of the family unit is waning. Talk to anyone over the age of 70-75, and ask them what radio and TV they were exposed to in their youth; it was literally non-existent for some, and a peripheral influence for most. NOW…. our youth SWIM in the filthy, polluted waters of popular entertainment, the internet (with its wealth of online addictions), laughable public education; meanwhile, their broken, stressed “modern” families painfully limp along…
  
  Report this comment
- kadster01
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 10:13am
  @UIATA
  
  “Talk to anyone over the age of 70-75, and ask them what radio and TV they were exposed to in their youth; it was literally non-existent for some, and a peripheral influence for most. NOW…. our youth SWIM in the filthy, polluted waters of popular entertainment, the internet (with its wealth of online addictions), laughable public education; meanwhile, their broken, stressed “modern” families painfully limp along…”
  
  Ah yes, “It’s not my fault. It’s the media.” Well, who controls the influence of the media in the home (or how SHOULD?)? The parents, right?
- Bloody Sam
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 10:30am
  Ummm…this was in the UK. They can’t vote for Obama.
  
  Report this comment
- Quiata
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 10:35am
  Come on, KADSTER, get with the program. I’m not excusing bad parenting, but this parent is anything BUT uncaring. Just TRY filtering the crap that your kids are exposed to on a daily basis. It’s very difficult even for the most vigilant parents; our culture has shifted and stretched to such an extent that it’s next to impossible anymore. All you CAN do is inoculate your children to the best of your abilities. Good parenting goes a long way, but we live in a convenience-based culture where divorce and broken families are the new norm. The fabric is eroding.
  
  Report this comment
- forthepeople
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 10:51am
  SENDTHEMETEORS : You better take a long look in the mirror and do some of your own research not just take verbatim the ‘ Talkin Heads ” . Remember pointing one finger no matter which one there are four point the other way .
  
  Report this comment
- MIBUGNU2
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 11:36am
  The KID’s remind me of our own 47%……….
  
  Report this comment
- Walkabout
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 12:17pm
  As some trolls point out, the kids support themselves. What is not mentioned is they went to expensive, great schools, but settled for easy jobs that don’t pay well.
  
  So while the old man busted his but & set them up to achieve, they kids are merely treading water instead of swimming. All it will take is a few large waves & the kids or grandkids are back in poverty.
  
  Report this comment
- Walkabout
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 12:24pm
  The father is a navy man. So let’s look from his perspective.
  
  A ship that is not under way with enough speed cannot steer properly. If you cannot steer or worse are dead in the water you are at the mercy of the sea. The ship can be rather large & depending the sea state it can be swamped, capsized, grounded or broken up.
  
  Translating this to life, if you are not underway with a purpose (course) & with a knowledge of the sea, you are subject to the vagaries of life. Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you safety.
  
  The kids have slacked & been thru some divorces. They keep at it they will be subject to all the vagaries of life. Those can be severe with incompetent politicians who have nothing but the lets J.D. behind their name. Think about. The French have a 2 tier health system one for the rich or upper middle class & one for everyone else. That is socialism. That is being subjected to the vagaries of life.
  
  Report this comment
- kadster01
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 12:39pm
  @QUIATA
  
  “Come on, KADSTER, get with the program. I’m not excusing bad parenting, but this parent is anything BUT uncaring. Just TRY filtering the crap that your kids are exposed to on a daily basis. It’s very difficult even for the most vigilant parents; our culture has shifted and stretched to such an extent that it’s next to impossible anymore. All you CAN do is inoculate your children to the best of your abilities. Good parenting goes a long way, but we live in a convenience-based culture where divorce and broken families are the new norm. The fabric is eroding.”
  
  Get with the program? At what point have we lost control of the remotes? When did we lose the ability to monitor internet usage? No, we can’t totally protect kids from influences outside the home, but we can bring them up with values that influence their choices. I’m not saying it’s easy – it’s harder than it’s ever been – but what I am saying is that this man’s criticism of his kids’ failings is 1. a reflection of his own, and 2. totally useless to effect any change whatsoever.
  
  Report this comment
- rene demonteverde
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 1:23pm
  good one
  
  Report this comment
- shakedowncrews
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 2:13pm
  @ SendTheMeteors, the Sandra Fluke reference seems perfectly reasonable to me. Afterall, we now have a society in which young-ish “women”, probably like you, now feel that other society members should be taxed to pay for the “contraception” they desire, instead of accepting responsibility for their own copulation.
  Your angry response to the poster makes me think that “she doth protest too much”, hence, you “resemble that remark” and resent the perceived insult.
  Perhaps it is time for you to mature and accept responsibility for your own copulation and the undesirable results.
  
  Report this comment
- shakedowncrews
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 2:21pm
  @ Classical Liberal who said “The man was a nuclear submarine captain. My guess, based on my experience, this man was not there for his children for much of their young lives. He probably did not get to do much parenting. ”
  What the captain did was to model the role of a successful and disciplined father who spent a great deal of time away from his family as part of his career. It sickens me that Liberals, like you, turn that into some indictment of the father. Fathers must make sacrifices. They have done this for centuries, toiling long and hard to provide for the offspring. It is the responsibility of the offspring to “honor their parents” and live up to expectations. In a more conservative, traditional, and religious society, this is what is demanded of children. Not that they whine about how daddywas gone so much, but instead show gratitude that he clothed and sheltered them, provided them with educations, so they can in turn support their own children.
  Instead, the liberal mindset endows children with a sense of entitlement and mealy mouthed resentment. Woe is me, my daddy didn’t watch my football games.
  Yes, because he was working hard to pay for your participation in the sports you enjoyed.
  Now, shut up, quit whining, and get to work.
  
  Report this comment
- old white guy
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 2:53pm
  what a great letter. i have kids who have university education. two studied something that gave them great jobs, terrific income and i was amazed. two have chosen to ignore the fact that they have at least ten years of university between them and live as if they did not graduate high school. i try not to say anything to the kids but biting one’s tongue becomes painful at times and i do not mean the biting part.
  
  Report this comment
- TooMuchSense
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 3:55pm
  Meteor, your attempts at intellectual banter on this site reveal much. But not so much that reflects well upon your stature within the realm of personal wisdom. For your rhetoric is above average, and I would assume that your intellegence is also. But many have knowledge or what some call smarts, whom however at the same time lack wisdom and the purity of heart, which is necessary to discern various factors in which life is indeed lived. Enjoy your game, meteor. But realize that your charade is so transparent.
  
  Second lesson. Its has nothing to do with your position(s).
  
  Report this comment
- Maji
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 5:40pm
  Interesting to read but I have to many problems of my own to worry
  about this man’s family politics.
  
  Report this comment
- Quiata
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 6:32pm
  Right back at ‘ya, KADSTER: “…bitterness and division. Maybe that’s what the father really wants.”
  
  It’s nice of you to speculate using the powers of your armchair psychology, but REALLY??? Do you honestly think this man worked incredibly hard raising his kids, just to relish in bitterness and disappointment in the end?
  
  Nah, speculate all you want, but I prefer to be a little less cynical. His adult kids are making foolish adult mistakes –we see this all the time!– and he’s giving them a message that maybe they need to hear. His letter wasn’t aimed at me, but I certainly was running it over in my mind, wondering if I needed to check some of my own choices and behavior (I am proud to say I have a conscience, thanks in part to my own MOM and DAD).
  
  Some of the “trophies for everyone” people just don’t get it. To them, any kind of criticism is anathema….How’s that working out? Now we’re reaping what we’ve sown, en masse.
  
  Report this comment
- pissantno.10
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 7:52pm
  lib you are so right how dare he go out and defend his country. why should he when he would be defending morons like you . sink in to a sess pool you floating turd
  
  Report this comment
- GardnerB59
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 10:33pm
  I wish I could address this moron that calls himself a father directly to his face, but I’ll settle for posting a reply to his email to his children.
  
  I was widowed very young and left with two toddlers to raise on my own, and with the help of my family. I had a very high pressure job and when I became a widow, I sat down with my boss and explained to him my devotion to my children, I said I will give 110% to my job; however, I cannot work overtime. My children need me, and I MUST be there for them. My boss was a family man and understood, and we worked out and arrangement that I could work overtime, if necessary, on weekends, and bring the children to the office with me.
  
  My point? Simple. My father always told us this about raising kids: “Remember, the more you put into raising your kids, the more you will receive back from them.”
  
  We didn’t have a lot of money, but we sure had a lot of love. No one was allowed to miss dinner together, ever. We had dinner together every night. I never missed a parent-teacher conference, never missed a play, a band performance, or a sports event. Video games were not allowed, but board games that we could all play together and use our brains to think, were allowed.
  
  Today my kids are grown, one is married with two kids, the other is engaged. Both graduated college with honors. Both have thanked me and recognized what I did for them, what I did for love.
  
  Dad was right. Mr. Crews is a jerk.
  
  Report this comment
- scarydave
  Posted on December 1, 2012 at 12:29am
  He sounds like a man that wishes he had taken the free condoms from the government so he hadn’t had such louts for children.
  I also think his sadness and disappointment has to do with how his grandchildren have turned out. As a Father, Grandfather, and a Great Grandfather, I completely understand this poor man.
  
  Report this comment
welovetheUSA
Posted on November 29, 2012 at 5:33pm
Six fatherless grand children say everything…grandma mum is the one stuck with the free living her children have provided on a regular basis…….we all know a grandparent raising their grandchildren while the adult children keep pace with more distructive behaviors…we all know that kids today leave parents with one heck of a mess well into their thirtys…The man has had enough, and judging from our American families who have raised the same blueprint as the UKs generation..who voted for Obama and have not moved out of the house yet…Aye…I totally agree with this man.

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- ToddH
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 3:45am
  6 fatherless grandchildren?
  Where does it say that? I didn’t get that from the letter.
  The closest thing I see to that is this:
  “We are seeing the miserable death throes of the fourth of your collective marriages at the same time we see the advent of a fifth.”
  This does indicate a few divorces but with 3 grown kids, it could be only 1 who keeps getting a divorce. Though it 2 of the 3 are divorcing, that does indicate a general problem amongst them regarding maturity, stability and commitment. I guess that is the gist of his letter.
  
  Report this comment
- Chuck Stein
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 11:49pm
  TODDH: “6 fatherless grandchildren? Where does it say that? I didn’t get that from the letter.”
  Sometimes people read things in to articles (or others’ posts) that just aren’t there. It happens.
  
  Report this comment
- Obamainpeepee
  Posted on December 5, 2012 at 7:16pm
  Chuck Stein
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 11:49pm
  TODDH: “6 fatherless grandchildren? Where does it say that? I didn’t get that from the letter.”
  Sometimes people read things in to articles (or others’ posts) that just aren’t there. It happens.
  
  *****************************************************
  Paragraph 5, he is referring to the children of his children…..meaning grandchildren. Sometimes people actually read exactly what they read. It happens.
  
  Report this comment
diverdan
Posted on November 29, 2012 at 5:27pm
There are no shortage of people who feel it appropriate to level criticism at their parents (perhaps warranted, perhaps not). No one seems to think that is a problem. However, when a parent levels similar criticism at his/her children, it is heralded as horrific. A bit hypocritical. I don’t know whether his criticism is justified or not but I do know that it is not for me to judge. And I am so sick of people saying that an adult’s failure is the parent’s fault. I know, and would submit that most people know, that out of any family, some children will do well other not. Same parents, different results. The fact that we are even reading about this is reflective on the current culture’s view that no one is responsible for their life.

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- apexmoon
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 5:34pm
  But this is ALL of his children. It’s not like some were good and others not. Him and his wife most likely shouldn’t get all the blame but something seems odd when none of their children are able to make it.
  
  Report this comment
- aragona
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 5:57pm
  I guess I’ve chosen to go another route. I have a child that is a disappointment to me. At first I hoped she would come around … but she hasn’t. And then we reached a sort of distance relatives state of being. Now she’s pregnant, I’ve once again attempted to reach out to her and been slapped down. For that reason, I’ve decided to reward my remaining child with the only thing I can give. My inheritance. I’m in the process of drawing up a trust and 100% of whatever I may have in my estate goes to the child that has been a constant presence in my life. The other child hasn’t been a child for 10 years. To her, I leave nothing.
  
  No public email required.
  
  Report this comment
- chips1
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 8:46pm
  APEXMOON:
  Both of the Mendez Brothers went over the deep end. A person never knows. If 50 Professional child Councellors gave their opinions, you would get 50 different reasons.
  
  Report this comment
- Advection
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 10:54pm
  Aragona, you’re doing the right thing.
  
  Report this comment
- maverick4harlot
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 4:47am
  Advection
  In response to your comments,
  Aragona, you’re doing the right thing.
  
  How in the heck do you know? I am sure my parents would tell you the same thing but what they would never dare to tell anyone is how I was beaten at least weekly (on average) for things I couldnt control. They also wouldnt tell you how I was told I would never make anything of myself or how everything I was good at I got punished for doing, mechanics, singing , running, electronics. My parents would NEVER mention how from the age of six I wasn’t allowed to have money and any money I EARNED I was forced to give to my father the gambler or be beaten.
  
  Making a decision such as you have done based upon a one sided statement is IDIOCY.
  YES I am a dissapointment to my parents, IN THEIR EYES, NOT IN MINE.
  May they reap what they have sewn!
  
  Report this comment
- aragona
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 1:12pm
  Well, Maverick, that doesn’t apply to me. Want to know what happened? I’m a single mother. My daughter wanted to date her manager at work when she was 16 and he was at least 10 years older. Think “statutory rape.” I said no. She began sneaking around, frequently found her way to his place and slept around with him, drank his booze, smoked dope, smuggled in a hidden cell phone and then drove my car. I grounded her from the boy; I grounded her from the car. I toss the phone in the trash. I made her quit her job.
  
  Her dad was called and said sure, come on and live with him. Your mom is unreasonable. Two weeks later she was dumped by the man because she now lived 30 miles away. I guess it wasn’t as easy for him anymore.
  
  For the last 10 years she’s listened to her father’s poison but she’s an adult now. She should be able to reflect on what should have been normal teenage angst and realized that I was not the bad guy. She hasn’t, she is still playing her teenage games.
  
  She was not abused.
  
  Yes, I am doing the right thing, thanks to those who recognize that sometimes we get the consequences that are coming to us and she’ll be getting hers.
  
  I haven’t mentioned inheritances to her. I’m holding nothing over her head. If she wants a share in my estate, she can earn it by becoming a member of the family again. (Yes, earning – it’s my money, I can give it to whom I want). If she doesn’t care to come around, then she is unreasonable for her to expect any mone
  
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- sexyvixen21
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 4:55pm
  @aragona….don’t be so hard on yourself. I’m sure you did the best that you can. I have five children and one of them is just-out there. I thought she would change when she joined the service…and she never did. Sometimes you just have to let them figure it out on their own.
  
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- aragona
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 8:30pm
  Thank you SexyVixen. I’m not being hard on myself. I did the only thing I could do at the time. Was I supposed to look the other way? No, obviously not. I’m sad, but I have another great daughter, a beautiful granddaughter and another little baby is on the way this spring.
  
  I wish I would know both my impending grandchildren (both daughters are pregnant) but that isn’t going to be the case. It’s out of my hands.
  
  I’ll be setting up my trust and leaving everything to the one girl. But trusts can be changed and I’m not that long in the tooth. Who knows what the decades may bring?
  
  Report this comment
WhiteFang
Posted on November 29, 2012 at 5:10pm
Even fathers need to “vent” sometimes.
Oppression can make a wise man act crazy, even with wild talk.
Irresponsible children are a real disappointment to parents. There is no getting around that.

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- apexmoon
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 5:28pm
  If all his children are having issues maybe it’s the way he raised them?
  
  Report this comment
- Shasta
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 6:01pm
  Or maybe the problem is simply that his kids grew up in the ‘participant’ generation.
  
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- tmbell87
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 8:03pm
  He was a former commander of a nuclear submarine. As a former submariner myself, I can guarantee that he probably wasn’t around much in the first place.
  
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- sexyvixen21
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 6:39am
  @apex…it’s always the parents fault….geez. How about the public school system that tells children “don’t judge me.” You know…that Bs they always promote.
  
  Report this comment
- aragona
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 1:24pm
  I agree. It’s easy to blame the parents and lots of times they are to blame. But it’s also hard for parents to fight against the messages bombarding their kids in school, on TV, from their friends, etc. When your child is surrounded by the entitlement, “I’m so special” mentality, well, we parents have our work cut out for us.
  
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Minarchistman
Posted on November 29, 2012 at 5:10pm
They behave badly because they’ve fallen into patterns of destructive behavior from which they’re unable to escape…. I think this needs to read unwilling to escape. Bad behavior usually comes with some excuse or justification that absolves guilt and re assigns blame. Offenders feel consequences suffered make them a victim and therefore as victims, they are allowed to commit more bad behavior.

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ChiefIlliniCake
Posted on November 29, 2012 at 5:07pm
Sounds to me like more of this from him earlier on may have been just the ticket, but perhaps he was too busy up on his perch (or, to give the benefit of a doubt, off defending his country on a nuclear sub).

Either way, the current state of affairs with families all over the western world will be our ruination.

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- jman-6
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 5:49pm
  Kinda agree as I once new a guy that worked on a nuclear sub for 12 years and within 2 yrs of getting out he fell off his rocker. He was always different but I chalked that up to lack of sunlight an social interaction. The guys on nuke subs go as long as 120 days without seeing daylight or land. Thank God for men and women willing to do this for our FREEDOM!!..if we keep it!
  
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offbrat56
Posted on November 29, 2012 at 5:05pm
I can totally relate to this man, as a parent of 4 grown children—not all of which have straightened out their lives. As such a parent, you get tired, really, really tired of attempting to help, participating in some scheme to get them on track and then realizing it was just a stop-gap measure with no follow-through ever even intended. I have one who has fully transitioned to adulthood and provides for her child along with her husband and one who has not married or fathered any children yet while he works on getting his driver’s license back and a place of his own. The middle two have gotten themselves into socio-familial-economical predicaments that I don’t know if they will ever be able to straighten out “successfully.” The children—my grandchildren—all suffer in the meantime, while attempting to grow up without adequate role models. I’m still waiting for a sign of sanity, logical progression, planning, and acceptance of consequences to become parts of their lives. Meanwhile, the clock is ticking for the grandchildren. It is hard. I understand this father’s view completely. I, too, will probably reach that point somewhere down the line. Someday, hopefully, their brains and their wills will land on the same world I live in. I can still hope.

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The-Monk
Posted on November 29, 2012 at 5:03pm
The sad part is that his Children most likely had problems reading and understanding it…

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gsp9993
Posted on November 29, 2012 at 5:03pm
Bold and cold, but eventually effective. I’t's call TOUGH LOVE. More people should try it instead of being so politically correct and ineffective.

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- tmbell87
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 8:07pm
  Effective would imply that he got the response he was looking. All but one of his kids is even on speaking terms. How in any way, was this effective? Unless ostracizing himself was the primary goal of the letter, I would say the letter was ultimately ineffective.
  
  Report this comment
- Jenny Lind
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 9:09pm
  TMBELL67, give it time, thry need to understand what he said, and it may take some time for them to get over their “hurt feelings” and figure it out. It is amazing how parents grow up when they have young adults of their own, I have noticed considerable change in my children and have gotten a few apologies along the way. We were a Navy family too, they all miss their Dad, and remember their lives much differently now that they have teenagers. I have had a few good times as they have figured it out.
  
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purecolorartist
Posted on November 29, 2012 at 4:55pm
I think a positive letter would have had a better result. There must be some good things he could point out about each “child”. I am lucky. Both my children turned out better than we could have imagined. I think they saw what went wrong in our lives (myself and my wife) and made sure they didn’t make the same mistakes. I suspect he was a super hard-nosed disciplinarian. Not that discipline is not a good thing, but I bet these criticisms are nothing new from the father from day one.

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- hslusher
  Posted on December 1, 2012 at 4:06pm
  Oh please a nice letter? The Man has obviously put up with their behavior for far to many years. I was having same problems with my adult children causing my wife to grieve over their unending bad decisions.
  Finally 6 years ago I became disabled and soon as they found out we were in no postion to help them any more we quit hearing from them.
  
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RougeFastFingers
Posted on November 29, 2012 at 4:53pm
They sound like european obama suporters.

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tradcatholicgirl
Posted on November 29, 2012 at 4:50pm
It is too late for tough love. His kids are grown ups now.

I don’t mean that he isn’t right to question why these adults don’t show initiative and reign in bad decision making. But no action he takes at this point will make those people grow up and take responsibility for their actions.

And it is sad that there are small children involved.

I would not walk away from those little kids, but instead double up on my involvement in their lives. As grandparents, they could make a real difference in giving kids stability and routine, if allowed to be an influence, that is.

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- kaydeebeau
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 5:06pm
  Here’s a news flash – the kids who voted for Obama are our kids. We have failed to pay attention, failed to counter the leftist.
  
  Tough love should have starteed Nov 7 – pull the plug, cut the cord, whatever – take control of the minds of your children or kiss them good bye to the leftists – take the “tough” (path not sure why most are such wussies that let the kids dictate the agenda – but I digress)
  
  For crying out loud – love your kids? – tell them the Truth – don’t know the Truth ? Open a Bible – still have trouble – seek an Orthodox Rabbi to help you
  
  Good grief – our kids are doomed – WAKE UP, PRAY UP…..
  
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- offbrat56
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 5:12pm
  You hit the nail on the head, there: if allowed. Grandparents can be so limited in these matters. Yea, we can go in, clean up what we can, supply their clothing, school needs, and perhaps some extras, but the very act of doing that assists—enables—the parent(s) to continue on as they were. The children learn to disregard the parents, learn to play the parents against the grandparents (and visa versa), and will never learn what a family hierarchy is “supposed” to be like. Many of these parents even take offense at any offerings of assistance, direction, suggestions to the point of refusing to let the grandchildren receive what is offered/given…and give the children the idea that the grandparents are trying to “take them away.” Hey, I’ve been there. You just have to back off…for the good of the children you are attempting to help. It’s a really tricky kind of relationship.
  
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- Advection
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 10:59pm
  You said it. He may never see his grandchildren again.
  
  Report this comment
- TheePolitinator
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 7:49am
  KAYDEE Find a tall building.
  
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klevalt
Posted on November 29, 2012 at 4:50pm
Sure wish someone loved me enough to have talked to me that way at some point prior to age 25! Maybe it would not have taken me to 40 to get my crap together… and that 15 years would not have been wasted!

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- Metallicat
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 5:08pm
  Same here. I too,have many wasted years because I’ve been lost for so long and misguided.
  
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- selfd59
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 4:57pm
  “Never look back, dahling, it distracts from the NOW”…”E”, of the great (fictional) fashion designers.
  
  A part of “repentance”, or, as you put it, getting your “crap together”, is learning from your mistakes but letting go. True, you can’t recoup lost time or opportunities. But when you open your eyes and the sun is shining (or at least giving some light through the overcast), it’s affirmation that there’s more to look forward to.
  
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Metallicat
Posted on November 29, 2012 at 4:49pm
Sounds like he prepared his “Festivus” speech early this year.

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Locked
Posted on November 29, 2012 at 4:46pm
The Blaze coincidentally leaves out this paragraph from the linked NYTimes article:

“Nick Crews was, by his own admission, a middling father. He enjoyed cuddling with his three kids, but he was frequently away on naval deployments and didn’t stay in touch with them once they went off to boarding school. ”

The guy, by his own admission, was not involved in his children’s lives. Frequently away from home, and as soon as he sent them off to boarding school he never bothered to keep in touch.

I can’t help but think he wrote this rant to himself because he knows (or just cannot admit) he failed as a father. Could he provide? Sure. But a father is different than a provider.

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- tuffone3
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 4:18pm
  “A father is different from a provider.” A real father is a provider. It’s sperm donors who don’t qualify as “father” or “provider”.
  
  Report this comment
TheMightyZeus
Posted on November 29, 2012 at 4:44pm
The fact that he points out not having nice things to say to his friends, and calls the children disappointments, shows that his attitude is a selfish one. If he presented it in a loving way (which does not necessarily mean gentle,) and made it more about being upset to see his children not living up to their potential, I could perhaps agree with his sentiment.

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- OniKaze
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 5:05pm
  I agree, it sounds like a “I had kids so I could brag about them, and since I can’t, you are a disappointment…”
  
  Maybe this guy is in the right, most likely not…. There are not enough details to know who is in the right, but I definitely get a, “I am disappointed because I cannot brag about you” vibe from it…
  
  You don’t have kids just so you can brag about them… Maybe that’s not who this man is, but he sure sounds that way in the letter…
  
  But I do agree that some people need “tough love” in order to wake up… I have an older sister who is the same way… She is 33, single, has a child (lovely little 4 year old daughter) has absolutely NO desire to earn her own way, and ALWAYS rely’s on others to solve her problems…
  
  I love her, but I told her that I will NOT help her, unless she can PROVE she tried to help herself… And since she REFUSES to hold down a full-time job (and only wants to work about 20 hours a week, on HER schedule) I don’t see that happening any time soon…
  
  I always joke with our family that although we feel bad for her daughter, at least we can rest easy knowing that her daughter will be more responsible than her mother by the time she is 12….
  
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- Taquoshi
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 6:56pm
  I can identify. Our son, while very bright, has been slow to acclimate to the real world. We got everything on track and then he started have epileptic seizures. Now we are working on just getting him healthy. Others have kids our son’s age who are married with children. It’s hard to read the Christmas letters that list all the achievements and realize our big news was he was able to finish his Associate’s degree and graduate with honors from a local community college. Of course, we’re thrilled, but to everyone else, it’s like….next…..
  
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- Advection
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 11:01pm
  Bingo!
  
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BetsyRoss1513
Posted on November 29, 2012 at 4:43pm
If these are school children, shame on him. What a horrible way to be. If they’re grown adults, then Dad needs to go bugger a sheep or something. I would slap my mother if she ever wrote me an email and spoke to me that way.

Just what the hell does he consider “moderate acheivement”? Success is in the mind of the beholder. I make peanuts, PEANUTS, people, but I’m happy, and I’m doing what I would consider Gods work (at times). HEY DAD, I have a NEWS FLASH FOR YOU. Once they’re grown, your opinions matter not a whit. Go start a frikkin hobby or something.

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- Metallicat
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 5:04pm
  slap your own mother? What a classy person you must be,to react to criticism from your mother in that way. Of course your mother probably doesnt have a man of this caliber to protect her from you. which explains alot about you. And you proclaim to do Gods work? Would Jesus slap his mother around?
  
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- offbrat56
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 5:20pm
  Slap your mother?! Now there’s an adult-like, respectful reaction. There’s nothing wrong with working for peanuts!!!! I’d be thrilled if 2 of my kids would work steady for any amount of money!!!!!! I can think of no occasion that I would feel justified to slap my mother. I would not feel comfortable slapping an elder of any kind. I wasn’t brought up that way. Sorry.
  
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- jasgorsky
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 7:17pm
  @Betsy
  I am in agreement with you Betsy, only because I am more of an adult than my mother. I have rescued her time and time again, and have tried to help her get her life together, but sadly, she is like the adult children described- simply an adult child. She didn’t even actively participate in my life, until she realized how great we had it! As far as I am concerned, the door swings both ways, I am a great adult despite crappy parenting, and their are crappy adults despite good parenting.
  
  I say,”Slap, away! Slap away”
  
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- Jenny Lind
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 9:14pm
  Anyone who would slap the woman who gave them birth and raised them, whether perfect ot not, is despicable, period. Honor your father and mother comes with NO strings.
  
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- ToddH
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 4:00am
  If you feel free to slap your mother then you probably slap around your kids and pets too.
  I know because my mother would slap me AND my grandmother. I was shocked when I was little and I saw her slapping my grandma. I thought she only was abusive towards her kids but apparently not.
  I think my grandma was equally surprised to see her hitting me too.
  I guess she thought my mom only slapped her around, but apparently not.
  
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- BetsyRoss1513
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 12:27pm
  THE POINT IS…. I’m a failure as an adult, in some peoples eyes, and considering all the things I didn’t get from my parents, my mother has the good sense to keep her opinions to herself, and has the wisdom not to criticize – she has not always done the right thing, she knows it. THE POINT is there would never be a REASON to slap her, because she’s not a self centered PuzZy like this guy is. I never caused my mother a shred of problems, so of course, the IRE I would feel, if she revealed this kind of animosity toward me, would prompt me to deck her. Okay, I wouldn’t hit her. I’d just never speak to her again.
  
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- Grey1
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 6:37pm
  That is so sick. I can’t for the life of me understand such poor reasoning. I hope you don’t have children.
  
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Eastinfection
Posted on November 29, 2012 at 4:42pm
He certainly has the freedom to parent and grandparent as he sees fit… and his children have the freedom to parent as they see fit. I couldn’t care less how any of them live their lives…
People can be, and do, whatever they want, until they threaten the inalienable rights and freedoms of others, as far as i’m concerned. This display didn’t even approach that sort of thing.

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OhioRifleman
Posted on November 29, 2012 at 4:41pm
Sounds like he’s tired of bailing out his dumbarse children every time they let their boy/girl/metrosexual parts do the thinking for the rest of their existence. Hard to disagree with that attitude, I daresay.

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blanco5
Posted on November 29, 2012 at 4:39pm
Too nice.

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ColoradoMaverick
Posted on November 29, 2012 at 4:36pm
Kids (even adult children) need to be told how it is. If they are failing in life, they need to know it and who better than their own parents to tell them. It sounds like the daughter who released the email is doing something about it, she writing a book. Good for her. Good for Pops who took a stand.

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- BetsyRoss1513
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 4:57pm
  So that’s the secret to success? Shoot had I known it’d be that easy, I’d have begun a long time ago. That’s the missing link! A BOOK!!!
  
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- offbrat56
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 5:25pm
  I wonder if that will be a self pity type of book. You know, a see-how-my-dad-treats-me? kind of book. Just curious. I could be wrong. It could be the kind of book in which she thanks her dad for setting her straight so she could start her life, finally, in a more beneficial direction.
  
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- BetsyRoss1513
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 1:42pm
  I guess I just don’t get it. WHO is paying my bills? Me. Who is raising my kids? Me. Who is inside MY body and my mind? Me. Not them, me. If they didn’t get it absolutely right the first time through, what makes them think that ragging on them as adults is going to work? Again, who gets to decide where that bar is? Me. To deliberately hurt another adult, who just HAPPENS to be your child, simply because they’re not meeting your expectations? Bully. The feeling is mutual, DAD.
  
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iguana
Posted on November 29, 2012 at 4:36pm
I’d make sure not to burden him with anything else that might trouble him. No more more invites, no more news (good or bad of the children), no nothing period. No more disappointments for him. Now he can be happy again….by himself. He sounds like a real sourpuss, deservedly so or not. And I’m guessing that not ALL of the children could have really disappointed him in ALL aspects of their existence….perhaps he’s expecting the sun, the moon, and the stars too.

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- Coralchristie
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 9:17am
  It’s obvious from the letter that the inability of the children to take responsibility for their poor choices and their unloading of their complaints to their mother was “over the top”. We as parents have the right to make our choices. He didn’t say that he didn’t want to see them, he just didn’t want to listen to a litany of their complaints and consequences of bad decisions. His children are the generation of those who have been taught by the education, government and social systems to blame and inflict on others their bad behaviors and those behaviors outcomes. When a parent sees their grandchildren suffer under the results of their children’s bad behavior they do feel a need to do whatever they can to call attention to or redirect the the focus and behaviors to bring about change. Good man … hard challenge.
  
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- shakedowncrews
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 2:10pm
  IGUANA, while it is true that we only have ONE SIDE of this story, and do not know how the parents contributed to their childrens’ “difficulties”, it is worthwhile to consider that he might just be correct. Afterall, according to him, there are THREE children who have had numerous failed marriages, and multiple children as a result. I doubt the children deny that–or did they NOT have failed marriages and children? And according to him, they children (now adults) still show up at family gatherings to “whinge” about their misfortune. I somehow doubt that is in question as well.
  The father states that this is causing his wife great distress. Are you saying that is false? I believe this is a reasonable accusation as well. And he states that their children have not asked for, or have not accepted, the sage advice of their parents. Again, is that in doubt?
  Now at least one son does say that he has not become a ward of the state, so perhaps the father has exaggerated their failures, but if that is so, why has this distressed the (grand)mother so much?
  No, I suspect that the children have simply not matured, and not accepted full responsibility, and continue to whine to their parents about their misfortune, instead of planning a way of resolving their problems and avoiding others. The parents may have played a role in creating such irresponsible children, but that does not alter the fact that they are still irresponsible and are letting the children down.
  
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My Two Cents
Posted on November 29, 2012 at 4:36pm
This guy should move over here and chair the RNC. His children sound like your average Obama supporter.

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RANGER1965
Posted on November 29, 2012 at 4:34pm
This is a man that is tired of seeing his wife cry because of her children. He’s protecting her from being the dumping ground of all her children’s woes. That’s really it. So call back when you have some good news.

What’s wrong with that?

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- offbrat56
  Posted on November 29, 2012 at 5:30pm
  Not a thing in the world! You know, it’s a little-known fact that EVEN PARENTS can have and state an opinion about their children. The kids don’t have a monopoly on opinions about the parents. It’s very hard to state what this man did toward his children. At the very same time, whether he realizes it or not, he is also acknowledging he may be part of the cause. That’s hard to think about and know in your heart…and even tougher to state aloud.
  
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- Schteveo
  Posted on November 30, 2012 at 7:58pm
  Nothing is wrong with it. I totally get where he’s coming from. Many of us have ‘children’ we barely recognize, based on how we raised them, vs how they act now.
  
  And I’m with Mr. Crews, my main concern is the grandkids. The idjit adults are free agents, but the kids are stuck, and can’t get out of the situation. And oh brother, I can’t wait to tell MY side of this to those grandkids when they come around with questions.
  
  And for those of you who now wonder if you’ll ever see them again, trust me, the will come around. We’re already seeing some of it.
  
  And Lord, watch over all the kids stuck in such situations, or worse.
  
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ares338
Posted on November 29, 2012 at 4:32pm
I for one think he was right!

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