These Sarcastic Reviews For The Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer Are WonderfulAmazon

The only thing funnier than a relatively useless contraption is a relatively useless contraption with an overly aggressively name like the Hutzler 571. And the only thing funnier than a useless contraption with an overly aggressive name is a sarcastic, over-the-top product review.

Now we know we’ve covered bogus Amazon reviews in the past (remember that “binders full of women” thing?), but these reviews are particularly funny because the topic is — to put it politely — totally ridiculous.

These Sarcastic Reviews For The Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer Are WonderfulLou Reed & Nico approve

Seriously, when has the need for a banana slicer ever come up? While you mull that over, enjoy these reviews pulled directly from Amazon [h/t: Business Insider]:

No more winning for you, Mr. Banana!, By SW3K

For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. “Use a knife!” they say. Well…my parole officer won’t allow me to be around knives. “Shoot it with a gun!” Background check…HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I’ll call it South Side Story.

Banana slicer…thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon.

Saved my marriage, By Mrs Toledo

What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn’t already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone…. this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day’s banana slices. It’s one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old “I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?” and of course, “You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!” These are the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That’s when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we’ve even incorporated it into our lovemaking. THANKS 571B BANANA SLICER!

GREAT Gift, By Uncle Pookie

Once I figured out I had to peel the banana before using – it works much better.

Ordering one for my nephew who’s in the air force in California. He’s been using an old slinky to slice his banana’s. He should really enjoy this product!

My 27 trained monkeys love this, By L. Blankenship “Lundy Love

As you may or may not know, I have 27 trained monkeys I use to do my evil bidding. Well, the younger monkeys teeth have not fully developed and so slicing a banana to feed them is a necessary chore. The adult monkeys used to have to chew up bananas and feed their young but not anymore with the Victorio Kitchen Products 571B Banana Slicer. The adults are going bananas over this time saving easy product. No longer so they have to taste and chew the deliciousness banana without eating it teasing them like a teenage prom date.

Now, they can eat and enjoy while i feed the young by slicing the bananas into small pieces that’s easy for them to digest, This product is aces in my book and if you have 27 trained monkeys that will help you take over the land of OZ, i highly recommenced this product. This product is more useful than a barrel of monkeys

A military endorsement, By HappyHubby

I have served in the US Army for over 12 years. I can say that there is technology being used by the military that is rarely seen in the civilian sector. Once in a while, however, an amazing product is released by the DoD for civilian use. The 571B is one of those products. Although once called the M571B Tactical Banana Slicer (TBS)V1, they have declassified it for public use. I am glad to see this product on the market today but I will warn you now, this is a CIVILIAN model and not designed for field use!

Click here to read many, many more “reviews” of the Hutzler 571.

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Featured image Amazon.