Following Bret Bielema’s decision to go work for Arkansas, the University of Wisconsin began its search for a replacement football coach.
The University listed the job opening on its human resources website (which is required by law because it’s technically a government job) and asked that applicants have at least “5 years of successful college football coaching experience” and a bachelor’s degree.
And you wouldn’t believe some of the responses they received.
Using a public records request to get his hands on applications from people who “did not request anonymity,” Doug Brown at Deadspin compiles some of the best cover letters from the “less qualified” applicants :
Career job title: “Executive search consultant”
Current salary: “$83,200/yr”
Desired salary: “$100,000/yr”
To who it might concern:
I have extensive Executive level recruiting experience as part of a $1B professional staffing firm and currently with GE Capital’s Retail Finance business unit.
I also played one year of NCAA Division III athletics (baseball) and began coaching High School Baseball at the age of 18. I spent 2yrs as the Head JV and Assistant Varsity Baseball Coach for my former High School coaching, teaching and mentoring student athletes on the game of baseball as well as how it relates to life and daily choices. My assistant coach during my first year is currently an Assistant Coach with the Phoenix Suns.
As a life-long Wisconsin resident and University of Wisconsin supporter, also hold a Bachelors degree from the school system, I am expressing my interest in the Head Coaching vacancy for the football program.
I want to see Barry if he is here and available. N.C.A.A. is very good when I am a fan. It is better when I am the fan, since 1969 for around 44 years now. It is best when I know you well at Division I and Big Ten Conference.
My goal is to DISCOVER it, Plan is to DEVELOP Famous Wisconsin Football. Then, I retire with DEDICATE my time to you.
PROPORTION is important for proper arrangement or balance of parts for WISCONSIN FOOTBALL SUCCESS. I believe it can be achieved.
COMPREHENSIVE LEARNING occurs when they beat us, or we beat them. It’s good for program and N.C.A.A.
PASSION happens when everybody works hard, yet so winning. It also occurs when they had more success for those events that we did not score more points.
RESPONSIBILITY is to us POINTS PLAY, OUTCOACH THEM AS MUCH AS WE can. SPORTSMANSHIP AND CITIZENSHIP are important element at all times, before events, durning events, and reflections.
Coach Ron Rains
To; Whom it may concern;
I am writing in order for your personal consideration to be part of your staff as NCAA position. I was mentored by Steve Kiner, when he was at University of Tennessee, I believe you might know Steve, He was Linebacker for Oilers. I hope you will interview my services. I believe my experience with Steve was meaningful. I have coached with Tom Parry, friend of Mouse Davis, Mike Dunbar, and Greg Olsen who was @ Tampa Bay for 2 years.
Sincerely, May you have many Blessings this Year(LB)
I know I lack the overall experience in coaching, but what I lack in experience I make up for with hard work and unbreakable determination. Please give me a shot I promise you I will not let down the program.
Career job title: “Financial Analyst”
Current salary: “$48,000/yr”
Desired salary: “$50,000/yr”
I have no football coaching experience at any level. It would be a huge mistake to hire me for this position.
Thank you for your consideration.
Office of Athletics Human Resources:
I am interested in the position of Head Football Coach. I do not fit the mold that you would expect to find from an applicant for Head Football Coach, but please read on and I will outline my qualifications and experiences for this position. I am currently a football season ticket holder and have been attending football games at Camp Randall since I was a student at UW-Madison from 1995-1999. Not only am I a fan of the game of football, but I am also a student of the game. It is my desire to see that this program continues to be the elite program that it has become through the rich traditions and the work of Coach Alvarez to put the Badgers atop the Big Ten Conference.
In my time at UW-Madison I not only learned what it means to be a Badger, I earned a B.S. in Pharmacy. I have been a Pharmacist since 1999 and have been with my current employer, Walgreens, since 1991. I have worked at some of the busiest pharmacies in the country and have spent 7 out of the last 12 years being the Pharmacy Manager. Managing a busy pharmacy involves fulfilling the duties of a pharmacist at the same time that you are managing team of 9 to 11 people to complete multiple different tasks simultaneously within a specified timeframe. This is very similar to the game of football. I work with my team of assistant managers, technicians, and cashiers to schedule, plan strategies, put the right employees in the best positions according to their strengths, and do so within a fast-paced high-pressure environment to come together to achieve a specific goal.
I believe that my skill-set that I have built as a pharmacy manager in combination with my knowledge of college football makes me a viable, although admittedly unconventional, candidate for this position. I am constantly working to coach my employees to help them develop and put them in the position to effectively use their talents. I have to work within a specified budget and spend a majority of my time dealing with the public, providing excellent customer service. This directly relates to both recruiting, public relations, and being able to work cooperatively with diverse groups and administrators, faculty, staff and students. In the pharmacy we may have computer issues, illness, insurance issues, customer problems, etc. Every day I have to work to resolve these issues at the same time I still have my responsibilities to my other customers and staff to complete prescriptions on time.
I know that I do not have the coaching and head coaching experience with Division 1 that would be preferred for this position. I do not consider this lack of coaching experience to be a disadvantage and am not afraid of taking a challenge head on and tackling it. I was accepted into a very competitive and demanding Pharmacy program at UW-Madison while married, had two children, and worked full-time to provide for them all the while I was a full time student.
I appreciate your consideration and look forward to a written response to this application. This application may be made available to the public upon request.
Career job title: “Senior Advisor”
Looking forward to the interview process
Career job title: “Coach”
Current salary: “$85,000/yr”
Desired salary: “$200,000/yr”
Take this team to the next level
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Featured image courtesy Getty Images.