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Check Out the Hilarious Cover Letters Sent to the University of Wisconsin After Officials Posted the Head Coaching Job

Jan. 24, 2013 1:33pm Becket Adams

These Are Some of the Least Qualified Responses to the University of Wisconsins Search for a Replacement Football Coach

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Following Bret Bielema’s decision to go work for Arkansas, the University of Wisconsin began its search for a replacement football coach.

The University listed the job opening on its human resources website (which is required by law because it’s technically a government job) and asked that applicants have at least “5 years of successful college football coaching experience” and a bachelor’s degree.

And you wouldn’t believe some of the responses they received.

Using a public records request to get his hands on applications from people who “did not request anonymity,” Doug Brown at Deadspin compiles some of the best cover letters from the “less qualified” applicants :

Jeffrey Kohnlein

Career job title: “Executive search consultant”
Current salary: “$83,200/yr”
Desired salary: “$100,000/yr”

To who it might concern:

I have extensive Executive level recruiting experience as part of a $1B professional staffing firm and currently with GE Capital’s Retail Finance business unit.

I also played one year of NCAA Division III athletics (baseball) and began coaching High School Baseball at the age of 18. I spent 2yrs as the Head JV and Assistant Varsity Baseball Coach for my former High School coaching, teaching and mentoring student athletes on the game of baseball as well as how it relates to life and daily choices. My assistant coach during my first year is currently an Assistant Coach with the Phoenix Suns.

As a life-long Wisconsin resident and University of Wisconsin supporter, also hold a Bachelors degree from the school system, I am expressing my interest in the Head Coaching vacancy for the football program.

Ronald Rains

Dear Holly,

I want to see Barry if he is here and available. N.C.A.A. is very good when I am a fan. It is better when I am the fan, since 1969 for around 44 years now. It is best when I know you well at Division I and Big Ten Conference.
My goal is to DISCOVER it, Plan is to DEVELOP Famous Wisconsin Football. Then, I retire with DEDICATE my time to you.
PROPORTION is important for proper arrangement or balance of parts for WISCONSIN FOOTBALL SUCCESS. I believe it can be achieved.
COMPREHENSIVE LEARNING occurs when they beat us, or we beat them. It’s good for program and N.C.A.A.
PASSION happens when everybody works hard, yet so winning. It also occurs when they had more success for those events that we did not score more points.
RESPONSIBILITY is to us POINTS PLAY, OUTCOACH THEM AS MUCH AS WE can. SPORTSMANSHIP AND CITIZENSHIP are important element at all times, before events, durning events, and reflections.
Win-Win,
Coach Ron Rains

Lawrence Bullock

To; Whom it may concern;

Dear sir,

I am writing in order for your personal consideration to be part of your staff as NCAA position. I was mentored by Steve Kiner, when he was at University of Tennessee, I believe you might know Steve, He was Linebacker for Oilers. I hope you will interview my services. I believe my experience with Steve was meaningful. I have coached with Tom Parry, friend of Mouse Davis, Mike Dunbar, and Greg Olsen who was @ Tampa Bay for 2 years.

Sincerely, May you have many Blessings this Year(LB)

LAWRENCE BULLOCK

Alex Cabasso

I know I lack the overall experience in coaching, but what I lack in experience I make up for with hard work and unbreakable determination. Please give me a shot I promise you I will not let down the program.

Brian D
Career job title: “Financial Analyst”
Current salary: “$48,000/yr”
Desired salary: “$50,000/yr”

I have no football coaching experience at any level. It would be a huge mistake to hire me for this position.

Thank you for your consideration.

James Lusiak

Office of Athletics Human Resources:

I am interested in the position of Head Football Coach. I do not fit the mold that you would expect to find from an applicant for Head Football Coach, but please read on and I will outline my qualifications and experiences for this position. I am currently a football season ticket holder and have been attending football games at Camp Randall since I was a student at UW-Madison from 1995-1999. Not only am I a fan of the game of football, but I am also a student of the game. It is my desire to see that this program continues to be the elite program that it has become through the rich traditions and the work of Coach Alvarez to put the Badgers atop the Big Ten Conference.

In my time at UW-Madison I not only learned what it means to be a Badger, I earned a B.S. in Pharmacy. I have been a Pharmacist since 1999 and have been with my current employer, Walgreens, since 1991. I have worked at some of the busiest pharmacies in the country and have spent 7 out of the last 12 years being the Pharmacy Manager. Managing a busy pharmacy involves fulfilling the duties of a pharmacist at the same time that you are managing team of 9 to 11 people to complete multiple different tasks simultaneously within a specified timeframe. This is very similar to the game of football. I work with my team of assistant managers, technicians, and cashiers to schedule, plan strategies, put the right employees in the best positions according to their strengths, and do so within a fast-paced high-pressure environment to come together to achieve a specific goal.

I believe that my skill-set that I have built as a pharmacy manager in combination with my knowledge of college football makes me a viable, although admittedly unconventional, candidate for this position. I am constantly working to coach my employees to help them develop and put them in the position to effectively use their talents. I have to work within a specified budget and spend a majority of my time dealing with the public, providing excellent customer service. This directly relates to both recruiting, public relations, and being able to work cooperatively with diverse groups and administrators, faculty, staff and students. In the pharmacy we may have computer issues, illness, insurance issues, customer problems, etc. Every day I have to work to resolve these issues at the same time I still have my responsibilities to my other customers and staff to complete prescriptions on time.

I know that I do not have the coaching and head coaching experience with Division 1 that would be preferred for this position. I do not consider this lack of coaching experience to be a disadvantage and am not afraid of taking a challenge head on and tackling it. I was accepted into a very competitive and demanding Pharmacy program at UW-Madison while married, had two children, and worked full-time to provide for them all the while I was a full time student.

I appreciate your consideration and look forward to a written response to this application. This application may be made available to the public upon request.

David Eagan
Career job title: “Senior Advisor”

Looking forward to the interview process

Eric Redmon
Career job title: “Coach”
Current salary: “$85,000/yr”
Desired salary: “$200,000/yr”

Coach Redmon
Take this team to the next level

Click here to see even more applications at Deadspin

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Featured image courtesy Getty Images.

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Comments (18)

bobincincy
Posted on January 25, 2013 at 10:21am
Brian D’s letter seems eerily similar to the cover letter Obama gave to the American People before the 2008 election. Hmm, may have to verify this guy’s credentials.

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- G-WHIZ
  Posted on January 25, 2013 at 12:33pm
  How-bout the PROG credentials of the group whom chose this dolt?? This is how to make-sure that no-one trusts…just like all PROG-JECTS!!
  
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tompain
Posted on January 24, 2013 at 8:13pm
After reading some of these letters my first thought is Brian D. notwithstanding, I wonder how many of these college coach wannabes made it out of the 3rd grade. If not for typewriters I should fully expect to see the revealing backwards “R & N”. It brings me back to some of my favorite Gary Larson’s “FAR SIDE” cartoons. Sometimes a dog or a cow sends a ransome note to his master or the farmer, It’s hysterical! Then again, WU is a STATE/GOV enterprise. Lord knows the post office is chock full of great thinkers!

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De-Elect
Posted on January 24, 2013 at 8:05pm
To whom it may concern.

I have special recruiting techniques designed to draw athletes to the University of Wisconsin. My only requirement would be to have a significant amount of petty cash on hand, directions to the red light district and a car dealer that can keep his mouth shut.

Looking forward to your call.
Sincerely, Suge Night

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JIMC5499
Posted on January 24, 2013 at 6:12pm
How much does anybody want to bet that some of them used their letter as a contact to show that they are seeking employment in order to keep their unemployment benefits?

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yanki161
Posted on January 24, 2013 at 4:49pm
Head coaches. They’re the one’s with the dirty knees, right?

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denkat56
Posted on January 24, 2013 at 4:27pm
I’ll be your coach, no experience, only 40 k a year. All I ask for is room and board.

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Dudley Do-Right
Posted on January 24, 2013 at 3:47pm
Career job title: “Unemployed”
Current salary: “$0/yr”
Desired salary: “Prefer to be paid in Cuban Peso/yr”

Comrades

I would like to ask for your consideration for the Head Football Coaching position. Although I have no experience in coaching football, I do have extensive experience coaching our youth to overthrow our government. I’m in desperate need of employment since I was denied tenure as a “Distinguished Professor” at the University of Illinois, Chicago because I dedicated a book I wrote called, “Prairie Fire” to Sirhan Sirhan. How was I to know that RFK’s brat kid would be on the tenure committee? Anyway, I feel my radical past and current leanings would make me a great choice for your radical university. As head football coach, our team would rely heavily on the passing game since I’ve become proficient at throwing the bomb.

Thanks for your consideration
William Ayers

PS Would you consider renaming your mascot from Badger to Weathermen?

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- kayakergirl
  Posted on January 25, 2013 at 12:19am
  Thanks, you made my day! Still chuckling, will be for a week. After that Hillary clown/freak show, I needed it, comrade!!!
  
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Woody4USA
Posted on January 24, 2013 at 3:18pm
Career Title: Head Hockey Coach, EJHL
Current salary: $125,000
Desired salary: $250,000

Hello University of Wisconsin, and the Badger community,
I would like at this time to be considered for the Head coaching position at your University. You have a fine history in D-1 and would like to take on the challenge in bringing the program back to the top ranked position it has held in the past. I have been involved in the game for 48 years as a player and coach. I do still currently play the game, as a goaltender, at a high level with former pro and college players. I coach clinics with former USA Hockey National and NHL Asst. coaches in my area. My experience, 12 years, leading my teams to 10 Division, and 7 League Championships I hope will make my request for your open position with the Badgers something you will look at and consider in your search going forward. I have 37 former players of mine in D-1, D-3 and Minor Pro hockey at this time and all of my former players have gone on to College which is something more important to me than any trophies won in the past.
Oh wait…..this is for Football….football is for those dumb guys who can’t skate …….never mind.

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media-bias-steals-elections
Posted on January 24, 2013 at 2:33pm
How does making job seekers the target of commentary in any way going to help their job search?

None of us would hold jobs if we lived in a perfect social media world? You are going to relish the days of when you could not get a job because you were black, not because you were black listed on social media?

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- Ben__Franklin
  Posted on January 24, 2013 at 3:15pm
  Who is blacklisted? This article is hilarious. Just read them and imagine you are the HR person that is going to actually do the hiring. I mean the first guy tells about all his life long experience coaching baseball for a head football coaching position. Do you think the guy knows you do not hit a football with a bat? The rest of them are just gibberish.
  
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- landman1
  Posted on January 24, 2013 at 3:29pm
  You gotta be kidding me? These guys that are eventually hired for these big time college coaching positions are all intelligent men of high breeding and sophistication. Why I recall Sydney Lowe was hired by NC State University to coach the basketball team. He came out here to the coast for a fundraiser and boiled shrimp were served in the shell. I watched in amazement as he put away a pound of boiled shrimp shell, tails and all and never blinked an eye. AS he was giving his plea for more alumni funding I couldn’t stay focused. I just kept thinking that this guy is being paid about $4mil. He was a great coach for the “Pack and probably taught the guys basketball and life skills too. Oh, that’s right… my bad….he’s gone after just a couple of years. Sorry NEXT!!!!
  
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@leftfighter
Posted on January 24, 2013 at 2:15pm
Uh, Ron Raines? I think I’d like my head coaches to be able to string together four word sentences that are at least somewhat cognizant.

Just sayin’.

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brigott
Posted on January 24, 2013 at 2:02pm
Bummer. If any of those 51-percenters that applied got the job, they would have to quit getting food stamps.

Maybe they learned their football skills while waiting in line at the welfare office are are now ready to move up to the big leagues.

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SingerGuy
Posted on January 24, 2013 at 1:39pm
I think Brian D’s comment, “I have no football coaching experience at any level. It would be a huge mistake to hire me for this position,” lets us know that he is on unemployment and just needed to check the box that he applied for something this week. :-)

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- AmericanStrega
  Posted on January 24, 2013 at 1:54pm
  B.I.N.G.O. And Bingo was his name-O.
  
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- BIG_G
  Posted on January 24, 2013 at 2:29pm
  Brian D’s is hilarious.
  
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