‘I Didn’t Even Graduate’: ‘PhD’ Comes Clean in Hilarious Obituary
- Posted on July 18, 2012 at 12:11pm by
Erica Ritz
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(Photo: KSL)
Val Patterson’s obituary begins like many others. The cancer victim began by thanking his loving family and explaining his love for life, before stating that he lived by several mottoes.
This is where the reader gets the first impression that Patterson’s obituary might not be like the rest– the man’s first motto was “anything for a laugh,” the second was, “if you break it, I can fix it,” and his requirements for a job were: “1 – All glory, 2 – Top pay, 3 – No work.”
After that, Patterson reveals a litany of mischievous deeds dating back decades– including that he never actually earned his doctorate!
While no one is encouraging theft or deception, the Huffington Post describes the man in somewhat overly-harsh terms.
“The family and friends of Val Patterson, it turns out, had a thief with bogus academic credentials on their hands,” HuffPo begins. “The obituary, rife with grammatical errors, was published in the Salt Lake Tribune.”
Here‘s the second paragraph of Patterson’s first-person obituary:
…I have confessions and things I should now say. As it turns out, I AM the guy who stole the safe from the Motor View Drive Inn back in June, 1971. I could have left that unsaid, but I wanted to get it off my chest. Also, I really am NOT a PhD. What happened was that the day I went to pay off my college student loan at the U of U, the girl working there put my receipt into the wrong stack, and two weeks later, a PhD diploma came in the mail. I didn’t even graduate, I only had about 3 years of college credit. In fact, I never did even learn what the letters “PhD” even stood for. For all of the Electronic Engineers I have worked with, I’m sorry, but you have to admit my designs always worked very well, and were well engineered, and I always made you laugh at work. Now to that really mean Park Ranger; after all, it was me that rolled those rocks into your geyser and ruined it. I did notice a few years later that you did get Old Faithful working again. To Disneyland – you can now throw away that “Banned for Life” file you have on me, I’m not a problem anymore – and SeaWorld San Diego, too, if you read this. [Emphasis added]
To the “gang,” he says: “We grew up in the very best time to grow up in the history of America. The best music, muscle cars, cheap gas, fun kegs, buying a car for ‘a buck a year.’”
He continued: “TV was boring back then, so we went outside and actually had lives. We always tried to have as much fun as possible without doing harm to anybody – we did a good job at that.”
Patterson concludes with his life’s only regret:
My regret is that I felt invincible when young and smoked cigarettes when I knew they were bad for me. Now, to make it worse, I have robbed my beloved Mary Jane of a decade or more of the two of us growing old together and laughing at all the thousands of simple things that we have come to enjoy and fill our lives with such happy words and moments. My pain is enormous, but it pales in comparison to watching my wife feel my pain as she lovingly cares for and comforts me. I feel such the “thief” now – for stealing so much from her – there is no pill I can take to erase that pain.
[...]
If you knew me, remember me in your own way. If you want to live forever, then don’t stop breathing, like I did.
Mary Jane, Patterson’s wife of 33 years, confirmed for KSL that everything her husband said was true, to the best of her knowledge.
While one Huffington Post commenter remarked: “It sounds like he should have spent his last years in jail to me,” Arlene Navo of Texas said: “It made me laugh, it made me cry, and it made me appreciate my life and all the opportunity that it offers a bit more . . . Thank you.”
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Comments (158)
Okayletstalk
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 1:38pmFor all you sarcastic, negative people, I’d suggest that you go to the SLTrib website for the “rest of the story.” This guy was up front his whole life and never claimed to actually have a Ph.D. He didn‘t get jobs because he wasn’t a college graduate. In fact, he was an inventor and made it without a degree. Also, the police and the drive-in that he took the “antique” safe from knew about it. And, yes, he was banned for life from Disneyland, but you need to read why. The guy was straight and I, for one, wish I’d known him. Where do all the angry people in these comments come from? Shame on you.
Report Post »JRook
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 3:20pmSounds like he did everything but rant on a radio show and have books published under his name.
Report Post »zorro
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 3:45pmActually, he did, in fact, claim to have a PhD and had his job because of it. Personally, I don’t blame him, I blame his employer for not properly checking his credentials. But his co-workers thought he had a PhD which is why he “came clean.” If he never claimed to be one, there is nothing to come clean about.
Report Post »DebbieB
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 4:27pmI saw the Obit in the Trib like you and just had a chuckle. The guy came clean!! What more do you want!!
Report Post »FLAGFIRST
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 4:47pmLiberals ARE by NATURE HATERS. jealous, envious, bigots, racists….etc. Glad I came around at middle age to become Conservative. Thank YOU GOD, for giving me life and allowing me to have this experience. Liberals: you will die lonely because you only care about your selves and your EGO.
Report Post »kindling
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 6:56pmIt does say a lot about PHDs when someone that has little college is able to do the job of someone that requires one. I have friends with degrees and they come to me for advise and I have an A S degree. I find people with higher educations get dummer because they teach the common sense out of them. Glenn is right…..if you have never been touched by the colleges and universities you are better able to think outside the box.
Report Post »GeorgiaPeachie
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 7:43pmI don‘t think they can’t help it OkayLetsTalk. Really, the internet is a relatively safe way for the unhappy and souless to vent. Hugs to all the “nastys”.
Report Post »Kalish
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 8:33pmTo the Huffington Post commenter : FU** OFF you liberal POS
Report Post »Patrick74
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 8:42pmSo, to get this straight, he rolled a stone into Old Faithful and stopped it up? You are claiming that is true?
Report Post »Clive
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 8:52pm“Glad I came around at middle age to become Conservative. Thank YOU GOD, for giving me life and allowing me to have this experience. Liberals: you will die lonely because you only care about your selves and your EGO.”
Report Post »————
i mean, “die lonely”? you are the one that sounds like a hater here, and EGO? Here we are, all talking about a guys funny obituary and you are talking about yourself in some rant. people like you are a liberals dream, and aren’t any help to the conservative cause. grow up.
jzs
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 9:03pmzorro says, “Actually, he did, in fact, claim to have a PhD and had his job because of it. Personally, I don’t blame him, I blame his employer for not properly checking his credentials.”
Yeah, you should not blame a person who lies. The fault isn’t his, he’s just looking out for his own interest in the Ayn Rand view of the world. Blame the people who believe the lies.
That’s a new ethic guarnateed to improve civilization and bring out the best in all of us. As far as I know all major religions teach teach the opposite, but thank you for bringing us up to date with the modern world, particularly at this website.
Congratulations zorro, may you go Heaven, for you speaketh the Word and the truth.
I think you are God-like in your opinions of morality and what is best for humankind.
Report Post »copatriots
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 9:11pmAgreed, OKAYLETSTALK.
Here’s the link. RIP Val! Condolences to his wife, family and friends.
http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/news/54505245-78/patterson-val-jane-mary.html.csp
Report Post »hayesstephen
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 9:29pmWell what did he do at Disney Land and at Sea World? If you know why didn’t you just say so.
Report Post »copatriots
Posted on July 19, 2012 at 9:15amFor goodness sake, HAYES, it would have taken you less time to find it yourself than to type your response. Trust me, it is worth reading not only his obituary but the accompanying news article in the link I posted above.
So much critique and negative comments over the recently deceased versus even remotely trying to do 3 minutes worth of research and reading before commenting. Sad.
Report Post »RRFlyer
Posted on July 19, 2012 at 9:16amFOR HAYESSTEPHEN
<<>>
You Apparently have a computer, LOOK IT UP. You can’t do anything for yourself???? You may learn more than if someone else told you.
Report Post »zorro
Posted on July 19, 2012 at 10:14amJZS, I’m not going to judge a dead man. That’s really all I meant to say.
Report Post »Yeah_Buddy
Posted on July 19, 2012 at 11:11amHe must have thought that PhD stood for Phony Hoax Degree. And why is he with Jane Fonda?
Report Post »Nancys Red Diaper Doper Babies
Posted on July 19, 2012 at 11:24am@ JZS
Actually since the Government is responsible for all of our success how can you fault the guy when a Government employee gave him his PhD?
Report Post »MittensKittens
Posted on July 19, 2012 at 2:21pmWhat’s everyone b!tching about, it’s no worse than what Obut-thole has lied about for all of his life…Hypocrits!
Report Post »SavvyCowboy
Posted on July 19, 2012 at 4:21pmHis biggest regret says a lot about the man – thought he was “10 ft. tall and bullet proof” when he was young only to realize he had stolen years of growing old together with his wife. I too wish I could’ve known him – he loved life and had a blast what he was here on earth. Like that saying goes, “The purpose of life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave with a well-preserved body, but rather to Slide in Sideways, completely used up, yelling and screaming, what a ride!” — Author Unknown
Report Post »BaltimoreJoe
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 1:36pmI’d have loved to have him as a neighbor. Be a bit weird to put a lot of lies into your own Obit unless of course you were the constant joker, always fun to be around, could be counted on by your friends… I believe he just wanted to dampen his friends grief by giving them one more smile to share together.
Happy trails Brother. I’m still smiling and will share it with wifiepoo and my girls.
Report Post »CABERNETQHS
Posted on July 19, 2012 at 7:22amI shared it with my hubby and kids. Couldn’t read the entire story. The end where I think he shared his real regret, smoking and not being here for his wife, choked me up.
Report Post »fobama
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 1:34pmman that was awesome… loved how the funny sarcastic truth of sadness came out in that, to do all the 4 things is truly hard to do… so long Val, you sound like you were a blast sir…
Report Post »Stelex
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 1:26pmI like him, probably would have enjoyed partying with him back in the day.
Report Post »broper
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 1:26pm“Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone”. This guy was flawed, but he was loved, and he loved in return. I say “Rest in Peace”. I suspect that I would have loved knowing him, and to those of you who feel nothing but the need to judge him… I‘m just as glad that I don’t know you all.
Report Post »OniKaze
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 1:07pmI see alot of you judging this guy… Sure when you list the bad things like this you get the idea that this guy is some bad jerk who deserved his fate…
But the point most of you seem to be missing, is that many of these things “hurt” no-one… and even with that in mind, he still felt bad enough about it that he had to get it off his chest before he died… I am not condoning his actions… But seriously, he could have done MUCH worse… These relatively minor crimes are not much when you consider the length of an adults life… Its not like he did ALL of these things in one year…
After all, if you really think about ALL of the “bad” things you have done (and we all have some, none of us are as perfect as Obama… :-) ) I am sure you will come up with a nice little list yourself…
The fact that he felt guilty about these things says something about him… after all, many people that do things like this guy did NEVER feel guilty about it… At least in the end, he did…
Do you all think you will have to guts to admit your guilt to your family and friends on your deathbed? Because I bet, many of us will not…
Report Post »v15
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 1:20pmHe didn’t admit anything on his deathbed. He admitted to things in his obituary. If that’s “courage” then I guess you would look at suicide letters as pretty heroic and responsible. And to vindicate him by saying “he could have acted worse” is possibly the most idiotic way of owning up to your own actions. You‘re basically saying that it’s okay to break the law just as long as nobody gets hurt.
Report Post »AzThunder
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 1:30pmtoo bad this jerk didn’t die sooner
Report Post »CABERNETQHS
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 1:33pmI also laughed and nearly broke down crying reading this. He is so imperfectly human. We have all done something or many things wrong, but grew up and regretted it. And sadly,he’s right about the music, the cars and cheap gas. Like Frank, he did it his way. God bless him and his family.
Report Post »zorro
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 3:51pm“Imperfectly human” is a spot on description. Most of us would have a similar obituary if we wrote it ourselves.
Report Post »Hugh Williams
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 4:02pmAZTHUNDER@
Report Post »Do you ever think before you type a reply or are you actually the giant jerk you come across as????????????
flatbrokeranch
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 1:06pmMy Family still owns the Motor Vu Drive In Theater in Erda Utah. The safe has never been stolen, not once since it was built back in 1948.
Report Post »http://utahtheaters.info/TheaterMain.asp?ID=53
TrueSoundsOfLiberty
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 1:34pmIt was the “Motor View Drive Inn”. The “Inn” would suggest that it was a motel or similar. Plus he did not specify where this place was.
Report Post »PPMStudios
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 1:39pmBut, he doesn’t say whether it was the Motor View Drive Inn in Utah, Texas, or Idaho….
Report Post »Okayletstalk
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 1:45pmThen I suggest you go to the SLTrib. and correct their story – and the police corrobation. It was an antique safe – nothing in it- and everyone, including the Drive-In knew about it. There is much more to the rest of the story. He never lied to anyone about having a Phd or graduating from college. And the guy was an inventor, which is how he made his money. And, yes, he was banned for life from Disneyland( the SLTrib explaiins why). Why are people to horribly sarcastic and negative? Get the whole truth before you blow junk out of your head.
Report Post »shasta
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 2:24pmNever hearda Erda…lame utah joke.. I would have wrote the same kinda Obit. Well except the stuff that my Mom would get upset that I had done……Sheesh, guess mine would just be a pic with b./d.
Report Post »Suzyq29
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 3:12pmTo TrueSoundofLiberty, if you go to the site right above it tells you exactly where it is and what it is. Just because it says “Inn” doesn‘t mean it’s a hotel..duh!!!
Report Post »iblvingd
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 7:46pmI found his obit very entertaining! I am sure he has found out, where he is at now, how much his sins were worth! Thank goodness he won’t be judged for our sins either!
There was a Motor Vu Drive-In on 33rd So and 35th East in Salt Lake a long with the Motor Vu in Riverdale Ut as well as the one in Erda, for people who don’t know the information.
Report Post »nostromo
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 1:04pmGee, you would have thought this guy was in congress or running a university somewhere with his bogus credentials. At least he didnt say he was a Cherokee.
Report Post »PPMStudios
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 1:41pmGood one! I was thinking that very thing when I started reading your post…
Report Post »blackyb
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 2:10pmI was thinking this very thing. A good staffer at the White House. He is of the same cut of cloth.
Report Post »Mapache
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 3:11pmI am sorry…..LOOK AGAIN….can’t you see his high cheekbones? …….he must be Cherokee or something.
Report Post »kryptonite
Posted on July 19, 2012 at 4:22amBarack’s confessions would take up a whole book. Here’s an excerpt:
I AM the guy who stole all your money, and I never learned the lyrics to the SS banner or recited the pledge of aliens– oops! And I never read the bible either — ‘cept off a teleprompter. I am NOT sorry, because you have to admit my charm always worked very well.
Obama’s only regret:
Report Post »My regret is that I never gave up smoking. I thought I was invincible… and maybe I am, you know. To make it a lot worse, I robbed my belle Michelle of a decade or more of the two of us growing old together and transforming america. Life is such a thief…..I wanna live forever……even if I stop breathing, remember me…. uh…uh….. that you, Lucifer?
piper60
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 1:03pmThis guy lived the phrase “Fast and Furious”.
Report Post »Patrick74
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 12:57pmUm . . . doesn’t anybody else think this is a little over the top? Banned from Disneyland and Sea World? Got a PhD in the mail? Sorry, I’m not buying it. Seems to me to be an overly elaborate joke. I mean, if the whole Old Faithful thing doesn’t scream “joke,” nothing does.
Report Post »grudgywoof
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 1:17pmHere’s what I think it should say: My life was pretty much a total lie. I lied to my freinds and co-worker and cheated my company out of pay I didn’t deserve because I never would have been hired without my bogus degree. When I was young I was a theif and I smoked myself to death. I damaged public property and laughed about it. Looking back I did so really stupid things and got banned from theme parks for being a drunken fool.
Report Post »I noted God was never mentioned and I fear that the man was lost and now has no hope of salvation.
PPMStudios
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 1:47pm@ Grudgy
“Judge not, lest ye be judged”
Report Post »crazyrightwingmom
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 1:51pmOh come on! It’s funny you guys. You never did odd stuff growing up?
Report Post »chips1
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 4:07pmI’m 65 and when I grow up, I’ll let you know.
Report Post »Tirabi
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 12:53pmIf he really rolled boulders into Yellowstone geysers I‘m glad he’s dead
Report Post »ChildOfTheKing
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 2:03pmOh my. LIGHTEN UP. The guy is dead now. THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE SO NEGATIVE AND DEMEANING IN YOUR COMMENTS – please lighten up and enjoy your life NOW. Clearly, this guy has some regrets. And that, to me, is FINALLY being responsible even though he may not have been early on.
JUST LIGHTEN UP AND CHUCKLE and then go about your humdrum lives.
Report Post »Suzyq29
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 3:16pmGive me a break..you are glad he is dead? Just what did he do that he deserves to be dead. So you have never done anything that you have regretted? Maybe you should do some soul searching.
Report Post »Hugh Williams
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 4:11pmTIRABI
Report Post »You are a perfect example of the total loss of compassion and humanity that has been lost by too many people in this world. I do not understand how so many people can make such cruel comments about the death of a human being. Apparently the value of life has been lost on a large percent of the world population. Way too many people only think about themselves, we have become a me, me, me country. If this doesn’t change it will be the end of our civilization.
izukiddin
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 12:49pmAn interesting guy to say the least.
Report Post »MeteoricLimbo
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 12:48pmSounds like he would make a great Dr. to administer Obama-care….We are gonna need lots like him to fill the void.
Report Post »MBA
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 12:39pmSorry, I didn’t think it was so hilarious. With this country rife with criminals in charge–for this man to admit he lived his life without integrity (unearned Ph.D, criminal activities) appears to justify and promote bad behavior.
Report Post »The Woot
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 12:59pmHe was a democrat, what do you expect?
Report Post »Suzyq29
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 3:31pmTo the Woot: Not!!!
Report Post »OhioRifleman
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 12:38pmGotta give the Sod some credit. He certainly lived it on the hard line.
Report Post »lefty_lucy1960
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 12:37pmThey say confession is good for the soul. He obviously knew this. Good for him.
Report Post »TheEDGE
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 12:36pmI must admit. I’m moved.
Report Post »4xeverything
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 2:19pmI cried through the last paragraph.
Report Post »toiletclogga
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 12:35pmWell played Val!
Report Post »rickc34
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 12:44pmSee he did not have a PHD and did very well, no large college loan there. He confessed his sins I just hope he got right with God before stepping into eternity .
Report Post »v15
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 1:11pmThis is how most Catholics and Protestant Christians tend to think:
“And there shall also be many which shall say: Eat, drink, and be merry; nevertheless, fear God–he will justify in committing a little sin; yea, lie a little, take the advantage of one because of his words, dig a pit for thy neighbor; there is no harm in this; and do all these things, for tomorrow we die; and if it so be that we are guilty, God will beat us with a few stripes, and at last we shall be saved in the kingdom of God.”
If God exists, then I would expect that he would be a God of order. I’m still finding my religious beliefs but I have a feeling that if God exists then most “religious” people will not be making it to heaven.
Report Post »toiletclogga
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 4:38pmGet over yourself V15.
Report Post »jrcess
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 12:35pmSounds like Obama!!!
Report Post »LRC
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 12:34pmWho is this creep…he doesn’t sound so wonderful to me.
Report Post »REETZBEE
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 1:09pmSounds like a jerk to me.
Report Post »Psychosis
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 12:33pmcurious what might show up in obies obituary
naw, he is too much a narcissist to admit he did wrong …………….nevermind
Report Post »Detroit paperboy
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 12:25pmI loved it ……
Report Post »drattastic
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 12:23pmSounded like quite the character.
Report Post »spookchaser
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 12:22pmSounds like someone that I would have liked to raise a glass with.
Report Post »Like the song says “I did it my way”.
Whyismynamealwaystaken
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 12:19pmHey. At least he was not bad like our government! Over 50 million babies killed from the evil of abortion!
Report Post »rickc34
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 12:46pmRead “Inside Planned Parenthood” it will really open your eyes on what they really stand for.
Report Post »almont
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 3:20pmRight on…….
Report Post »GenOptimus
Posted on July 18, 2012 at 7:06pm@whyismy.. Don’t expect any of these sex hungry pervert liberals to keep their mouth shut because they need those baby butchers to take care of their “punishments”.
Report Post »