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‘If You Don’t Have Any Guns, You Can Ask Eric Holder to Get Some for You’: Jimmy Kimmel’s Full Routine

If You Dont Have Any Guns, You Can Ask Eric Holder to Get Some for You: Jimmy Kimmels Full Routine

Comedian Jimmy Kimmel high-fived President Barack Obama after his hosting gig at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner Saturday. (AP)

Comedian Jimmy Kimmel came to the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner on Saturday armed with a slew of zingers, more than a few of which were aimed at the president.

Politico offered some of Kimmel’s top cracks:

1. To Obama: “I know you won’t be able to laugh at my jokes about the Secret Service, so cover your ears, if that’s physically possible.”

2. “If you told me when I was a kid I would be standing on a dais with President Barack Obama, I would have said, ‘The president’s name is Barack Obama?’”

3. “Remember when the country rallied around you in hopes of a better tomorrow? That was hilarious.”

4. “Democrats would like you to stick to your guns. And if you don’t have any guns, you can ask Eric Holder to get some for you.”

5. “They say diplomacy is a matter of carrot and sticks, and since Michelle Obama got to the White House — so is dinner.”

Republicans of course weren’t immune:

To Mitt Romney: “You can’t have a beer with him, because he doesn’t drink. You can’t have a cup of coffee with him, because he can’t have caffeine. You can’t even play Monopoly with him because he keeps trying to put the dog on the car.”

“It’s great to see the Gingriches here, because that means the check cleared.”

And Keith Olbermann’s current unemployment status earned a couple of one-liners:

“I’d like everyone to look under their seats. You’ll find a copy of Keith Olbermann’s resume” and “I didn’t know Current TV existed, because I don’t get Channel 1,000,000.”

Watch Kimmel’s full routine below:

Comments (111)

1 2 3
  • sallyredneck
    Posted on April 29, 2012 at 12:01pm

    Wonder if the main stream media understood some of the jokes.

    Report Post »  
  • abbygirl1994
    Posted on April 29, 2012 at 11:46am

    I found it sickening that they joke about such serious truthful things.. its like he is just daring us.. and laughing at us! All the more reason to vote this guy OUT! God help us!

    Report Post » abbygirl1994  
    • MAMMY_NUNN
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 11:57am

      I agree by joking about it it makes it irrelevant and baseless charges from the right.

      Report Post »  
    • Itsjusttim
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 12:12pm

      But on the other hand, joking about it does make it stick in people’s minds, because people remember good times longer than bad times, and people recall the humor. Then, eventually subconsciously people will make the connection to reality.

      Report Post » Itsjusttim  
    • Itsjusttim
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 12:22pm

      And all the jokes the President has said about the economy are going to eventually get stuck in the mud as reality catches up to the swiftness of the jokes,and then people will see the jokes are a patronization of their own intelligence. And when the Presidents jokes don’t line up with reality, then they will know that a “Comedians” Jokes actually do line up with reality, and this Presidents career, and those of crooked comedians will be over, as tens of millions of people become bitter.

      Report Post » Itsjusttim  
    • Itsjusttim
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 12:29pm

      See because I just happen to know that Americans are living in the Garden of Eden, and when Americans fall from the Garden of Eden, at least 250 million Americans will be painting targets on Progressives.

      Report Post » Itsjusttim  
    • Itsjusttim
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 12:35pm

      Moreover when the financial system of the world collapses (and it will), at least 250 million Americans will be cast down onto the ground, and they will pursue the seed of Progressives with a hatred not seen since the dawn of time.

      Report Post » Itsjusttim  
    • Itsjusttim
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 12:43pm

      Furthermore since it was that God cast down the devil, and the devil pursued the seed of God with a very great hatred. Just the same, Progressives think they are gods, and when the actions of the Progressives culminate into the system collapses, 100′s of millions will be cast down on the ground, and they will pursue the seed of Progressives with the same hatred the devil pursued the seed of God. Oh you Progressives have a heaping full of deserved pain coming.

      Report Post » Itsjusttim  
    • Itsjusttim
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 12:45pm

      These people think it’s a game, and it is not.

      Report Post » Itsjusttim  
    • Itsjusttim
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 12:55pm

      Progressives think they know the future of their children, and their children’s children, but they do not, and I do.

      Report Post » Itsjusttim  
    • HUSSAR
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 1:05pm

      I can‘t say I don’t understand where you‘re coming form but in the end you’ve got to have a sense of humor….it’s ok to laugh about just about everything…if you laugh it doesn‘t mean you can’t push and fight for the right thing…if i couldn‘t laugh about it all I’d be in a sad shape…though I admit it can be tough sometimes but then again this was the right setting as appose to an official speech as an example….cheer up :)

      Report Post » HUSSAR  
    • MAMMY_NUNN
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 2:45pm

      It is as funny as Kim Jung Ill cracking a joke about North Koreans starving to death.

      Report Post »  
    • yiska8
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 8:30pm

      This what the left does.They dimish. They demean. They distract. They are unable to argue anything, so they turn a serious issue into a joke. That entire room was filled with many of the top 1% of the country. Where was Occupy D.C.? Oh wait, Soros must have ordered them to stay home.

      Report Post » yiska8  
    • MCDAVE
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 9:23pm

      @TIM,,,do you have any sources for your predictions?….

      Report Post »  
  • Lokoman
    Posted on April 29, 2012 at 11:40am

    To those who are mad at this jimmy kimmel stand up: Are we not the ones who are supposed to emmulate George Washington? I understand some might be angry at the holder jokes, but we are supposed to have MALICE TOWARD NONE! Are we not the ones who are coming together this summer to restore love? Let’s not get worked up and end up dividing ourselves over some stand up comedy. At least Jimmy is talking about this stuff.

    Report Post » Lokoman  
    • slr4528
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 11:57am

      Yeah right…he should have thrown a joke in about Travyn Martin!

      Report Post »  
    • Lokoman
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 12:12pm

      I’m actually surprised he left that out of the comedy bit. I guess them networks are strict on time.

      Report Post » Lokoman  
    • lukerw
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 3:15pm

      When the British burnt down Chruches with the Congregation inside… or Torries turned in the Families of Continental Soldiers… or they made Concentration Camps upon British War Ships… we are suppose to ignore the Malace?

      OK… George Washington was a Better Man than I… but ‘Love your Enemy as yourself’ is not in My Bible!

      Report Post » lukerw  
  • FedUpAlready
    Posted on April 29, 2012 at 11:37am

    Lighten up, I’m not a big Jimmy Kimmel fan but he was funny, and no one appeared immune from his comedic mind. I love Chris Cristie, but, have to admit that was down right funny! We have ceased to be able to laugh at ourselves, that all this PC crap is steering us into a sterile divided country, where freedom of speech will soon be extinct, like so many of our other freedoms and liberties. We may like, or, dislike what others say, but, must always respect their right to say it. God Bless America

    Report Post » FedUpAlready  
    • lukerw
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 2:17pm

      I am not a member of their America Haters Club… I do not like their Jolly Conversations… and I dislike the Games that they Play. I see them as Big Kids… who never grew up… who have difficultly Conceptualizing… and who cannot Extrapolate where their Dreams Lead! They are Narcississtic… and do not consider the harm that they do to others… nor do they recognize that they are led by Sociopaths! And, they exploit the Divide & Conquer theory!

      There is nothing Funny, here!

      Report Post » lukerw  
    • Look4DBigPicture
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 2:58pm

      I agree, it was funny if all’s right in your world.

      If you’re an American who has suffered greatly because of this administration and its shills, then it’s not so funny. Many people in this room have been misleading the country and taking us down a road of destruction. They continue to be out of touch with most Americans, and most Americans are pi**ed about it. It’s very troubling to watch these elitists have fun knowing others are suffering because of them.

      Report Post »  
  • mwhaley
    Posted on April 29, 2012 at 11:29am

    The Obama Comedy Hour, the sad thing it has lasted four years.

    Report Post »  
  • Pink_Panther_Party
    Posted on April 29, 2012 at 11:27am

    Hey, did you hear the one about the largest, most deadly race riots in United States history, starting in just a couple of days on May 1st, and being organized directly from THE EFFIN WHITE HOUSE and tearing the country apart so that the MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD can get a better foothold, courtesy of our traitorous muslim president?

    Hahahaha ……..get it? Our traitorous muslim…….hmmm…….not that funny for some reason…

    Report Post » Pink_Panther_Party  
    • Unix
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 11:43am

      Nope, nothing funny about death and destruction my friend, and it looks like this occupy bowel movement/unions are going to get the ball rolling come May 1st, sad thing these lemmings have no idea what the term ‘useful idiots’ really means!

      Report Post » Unix  
  • Unix
    Posted on April 29, 2012 at 11:18am

    Hey, lighten up people, I thought the joke about being black and white and ‘red’ all over would have been best to describe Obama? Go figure?

    Report Post » Unix  
  • Unix
    Posted on April 29, 2012 at 11:17am

    As I don’t have a LOT to laugh about, and I am STILL out of work, I found Jimmy to be funny as heck, he did not spare ANYONE!

    Report Post » Unix  
  • RamonPreston
    Posted on April 29, 2012 at 11:09am

    Does Holder give guns to whites or do you have to be black?

    Report Post » RamonPreston  
    • Pink_Panther_Party
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 11:49am

      See, that’s the great thing about a Holder FF weapon! Every one of them comes with a free amnesty for all crimes committed with it, whether you’re black, mexican or any other racial minority!

      (Of course, if you’re white, the FF gun is still free, but you‘re only entitled to DIE as a result of it’s use.)

      Report Post » Pink_Panther_Party  
  • jay0718
    Posted on April 29, 2012 at 11:01am

    I can’t believe the hyper reaction from some of you over the fast and furious joke. The scandal is barely ever mentioned in the media so Kimmel confronts the president on it and that’s a bad thing? I‘m sure Kimmel wasn’t joking about the people who died. Lighten up! You could say some people died because of the Iran/Contra scandal,but that didn’t stop comedians from joking about the scandal during that time.

    Report Post »  
    • slr4528
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 11:14am

      My sentiment was based on Brian Terry‘s family’s testimony in Congress. What’s next? Mocking the deaths of Navy Seals? The joke was unnecessary and in bad taste.

      Report Post »  
    • Unix
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 11:24am

      They ALL were in bad taste, that is why it is called a ‘roast’, please get over yourself already!

      Report Post » Unix  
    • Pink_Panther_Party
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 11:41am

      uh….it might be because the Iran Contra affair wasn’t an attempt by the president of the United States, to undermine the Second Amendment and take away the nations gun ownership so that he could make a communist takeover easier.

      Did that “little tiny difference” escape your boisterous sense of “humor”, buckwheat?

      Report Post » Pink_Panther_Party  
  • GIDEON612
    Posted on April 29, 2012 at 10:53am

    This was carefully crafted in attempts to sway the independent vote. The narcissist cannot take a joke and this is an attempt to change that view. But the beast is still driving the bus.

    Report Post » GIDEON612  
    • Unix
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 11:26am

      As they say in the NFL, Not For Long!!!!!

      Report Post » Unix  
  • Stoic one
    Posted on April 29, 2012 at 10:51am

    This, just like the “Oscars”, is a bunch of people congratulating each other about how great they are; while we the peons are supposed to be in awe of them, because of the power that they think they wield over us; when in fact we have nothing but contempt for them, because of their misuse of that which has been entrusted to them.

    Report Post » Stoic one  
  • searching for the Truth
    Posted on April 29, 2012 at 10:50am

    Jimmy is a skillful comedian , but I’m a Redd Fox kinda guy – does Jimmy have body guards?

    Report Post »  
  • momprayn
    Posted on April 29, 2012 at 10:49am

    I don’t think most of America is laughing. It’s only funny when the subject matter is NOT downright traitorous, dangerous to us all. These “jokes” were not funny & he still got his campaign rhetoric in about Congress being a “do nothing” Congress, etc. For us that know the truth, it was like hearing evil Hitler joking about his agenda…..and another strategy to try to make all allegations about him seem laughably false.
    Also wondering about Kimmell – bet most are thinking he won’t be voting for him this time around (hope so!) We know thin skinned Obama & Michelle both hated it all… that gives a little comfort to us. Maybe their thugs didn’t think they needed to threaten Kimmel before he spoke, thinking he was an Obama supporter. Oops.
    Speaking of encouragement, I noticed on Fox News this morning they had a former CIA operative on and you could tell he was very anti-Obama – talking about his so-called “call” about the UBL deal. He pointed out that it may not be a very good strategy to be using that for his campaign b/c now people are exploring the “decision making” process of that and that the facts are it took several weeks for that decision. And that picture that’s been around of a man standing, looking out the window, evidently pondering this important decision – it isn’t Obama like many think – it’s Panetta.

    Report Post »  
  • Coyote6
    Posted on April 29, 2012 at 10:37am

    That was hilarious. Kimmel made fun of everybody. I thought it was great.

    Report Post » Coyote6  
    • Oilbama
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 10:54am

      And if you don’t have any guns, you can ask Eric Holder to get some for you.”

      Yep, I’ll bet the wife/parents/kids/relatives of the murdered border agents are yukin it up.

      Report Post »  
    • Rayblue
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 12:54pm

      If anyone thinks that the “jokes” weren’t prescreened and approved by the handlers…..
      Especially the indirect one about murder of border agents.

      Report Post » Rayblue  
    • lukerw
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 3:58pm

      That humor requires a certain amout of acceptance of Irony & Compartmentalization… alike Doctors cutting off the Feet of Children for Profit… or Shovel Ready jobs… or the Liberation of Libya & Egypt. “Not to worry” (meaning PANIC NOW in Australia)… these are the “good guys” who will tell you the News & What to Think!

      Report Post » lukerw  
  • Snowleopard {gallery of cat folks}
    Posted on April 29, 2012 at 10:27am

    Just ask Holder alright; especially if your one of the cartel members across the border; he will even threaten the lives of Americans to ensure you get them.

    Report Post » Snowleopard {gallery of cat folks}  
    • johnpaulkuchtajr
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 10:33am

      It’d OK, Snowleopard, I’ve already agreed to buy the rope if we can just get a federal judge to say one

      little word, “Guilty!”

      Report Post »  
    • RamonPreston
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 11:13am

      When your a friend of Dictator Obama, you can do anything you want.

      Report Post » RamonPreston  
  • firemanfrank
    Posted on April 29, 2012 at 10:25am

    I wonder if Adam Corolla wrote any of his jokes ,they are great friends.

    Report Post »  
    • LongRange
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 10:59am

      Adam Corolla would have been way better…

      Report Post » LongRange  
    • Apple Bite
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 11:58am

      Corolla wouldn’t have put whip cream and strawberries over the BS coming from that stint….

      Report Post » Apple Bite  
  • eric55
    Posted on April 29, 2012 at 10:24am

    And Kimmel mysteriously gets an IRS audit:-)

    Report Post »  
  • yourtea
    Posted on April 29, 2012 at 10:24am

    I do Not think that this was very funny Mr. Bo and Jimmy Kimmel.Just think of that Poor Family of the Border Agent That was Killed !1!. You People are just plane Ass Holes.And a HIGHER POWER WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU

    Report Post » yourtea  
    • slr4528
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 10:57am

      How anyone can laugh at the Eric Holder gun joke is maddening. It looks like 4 more years of Obama. I wonder how the murdered border patrol’s family feels about the joke? How anyone can laugh at that attempt of humor is inconceivable.

      Report Post »  
  • guntotinsquaw
    Posted on April 29, 2012 at 10:18am

    For some reason, as I try to figure out how to pay my bills this month, I’m just not laughing. The entire last 3 1/2 years of this jokes reign is more like a twilight episode.

    Report Post » guntotinsquaw  
    • RamonPreston
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 11:11am

      Was trying to make a budget for next month myself. Have to decide whether I want to buy medicine or food.

      Report Post » RamonPreston  
    • Pink_Panther_Party
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 11:36am

      yeah, and as we slip into the second (of the much mocked, and now, surprise surprise, unfolding) second and FAR more serious, dip of the “double dip recession” the economic disaster is JUST NOW STARTING to be felt in the US.

      By this time next year, it’s going to be a lot tougher to find work and pay bills than in any time in our lives. (regardless of how old you are) And it won’t matter WHO is elected, but at least Romney won’t be trying to use the (1st GLOBAL depression) crisis to further the communist takeover of the country. (sigh)

      Someone else said the past 3 years felt like the twilight zone….. It‘s hard to believe that they’ll probably seem like “the good old days” (sans Ocommie of course) by this time next year….

      Report Post » Pink_Panther_Party  
  • MCDAVE
    Posted on April 29, 2012 at 10:13am

    Obama thinks he can just laugh away his crimes against us …nothing funny about Obama…

    Report Post »  
    • rawmilker
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 12:27pm

      Not funny whatsoever. The nation is in distress, people are struggling to pay the bills, obama is giving millions to terrorist groups, allowing islam to infiltrate our government, jobs & businesses are being destroyed, fuel,energy & food costs skyrocket, millions of our tax $$ being squandered to failed solar ventures, cash for clunkers. Government owned GM now sending more jobs to china, murdered border agents from a government scheme to blame our 2d amendment, US troops fighting it out overseas, TSA out of control @ the airports, DHS arming to the teeth, obama crony John Corzine stealing billions from his MF Global clients and not even getting a slap on the wrist. Congress insider trading, SOD Panetta (pathetic human being), kowtowing to the UN & NATO, denying a pipeline that would bring thousands of jobs to americans because he wants his buddy Buffet to be able to use his rail firm to reap the profits, allowing our enemy’s troops to train inside the US, allowing the First Mooch Mooshell to spend millions on jetsetting the world with her lavish vacations, again @ our expense…..and these clowns wnat to get together and crack jokes @ our expense?

      I am hoping that one day very soon obama gets his “Mussolini Moment”

      Report Post » rawmilker  
    • MCDAVE
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 9:28pm

      @ rawmilker…… You sum it up nicely ….

      Report Post »  
  • Just in time
    Posted on April 29, 2012 at 10:12am

    Good sketch, nice to see that all comedians are not one sided.

    Report Post »  
  • shammo
    Posted on April 29, 2012 at 10:01am

    Kimmel is a practiced comedian and good. Obama is just a “joke”. He’s not funny anymore and its truly sad. The Holder reference isn’t funny. Watch Obama give him a blanket pardon for all his wrong doings. Holders not at risk. He knows too much.

    Report Post »  
  • jay0718
    Posted on April 29, 2012 at 9:42am

    Kimmel was great last night. I think the media is trying to focus on Obama‘s performance because they didn’t like Kimmel’s Obama jokes and his mockery of the liberal media. He said MSNBC was to the left of Hugo Chavis. The best line of the night was Kimmel when he said (paraphrasing):”All the problems this country has are contained in this room.” So true.

    Report Post »  
    • 104thTimberwolves
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 10:10am

      4. “Democrats would like you to stick to your guns. And if you don’t have any guns, you can ask Eric Holder to get some for you.”

      Great? I think he is a POS! I wonder how great you would think he was, if Brian Terry was your your brother, son or spouse?? He makes a joke about the people that furnished the guns that killed a man that gave his life to protect this country and you think that’s funny? How backwards assed has this country become! In my opinion, the majority of people in that room should be rotting in ground or in prison serving time for crimes against this counrty.

      Report Post » 104thTimberwolves  
    • db321
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 10:14am

      The Liberal Media doesn’t laugh much at themselves – Jimmy was Great! I don’t think Obama like it much!

      Report Post » db321  
  • Individualism
    Posted on April 29, 2012 at 9:39am

    They should have Carlos Mencia but they want politically correct comedians i guess.

    Report Post » Individualism  
    • Just in time
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 10:17am

      Individual, maybe they were looking for someone who was not racially biased. The jokes were not pc and were not racial

      Report Post »  
    • Pink_Panther_Party
      Posted on April 29, 2012 at 11:43am

      Oh gosh, what a comfort that the jokes weren’t “RACIST!”

      effin drool unit…

      Report Post » Pink_Panther_Party  
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