Sex Advice Columnist Dan Savage: Monogamy ‘Destroys More Lives Than it Saves’
- Posted on July 1, 2011 at 12:51pm by
Billy Hallowell
- Print »
- Email »
Monogamy, the belief in marriage between only two individuals at a time, is the basis for nearly all unions here in the United States (and in most localities across the globe). As society has secularized, though, calls for looser views on how marriage should be viewed have emerged. Infamous sex advice columnist Dan Savage’s less-than-pleasant views on the matter will be discussed in this Sunday’s edition of The New York Times Magazine.
In the piece, Mark Oppenheimer writes, “Today, Savage Love is less a sex column than a relationship column, one point of which is to help good unions last.” So, what‘s Savage’s take on staying true to one’s spouse that will “help good unions last?” As Oppenheimer explains:
Savage believes monogamy is right for many couples. But he believes that our discourse about it, and about sexuality more generally, is dishonest. Some people need more than one partner, he writes, just as some people need flirting, others need to be whipped, others need lovers of both sexes. We can’t help our urges, and we should not lie to our partners about them. In some marriages, talking honestly about our needs will forestall or obviate affairs; in other marriages, the conversation may lead to an affair, but with permission. In both cases, honesty is the best policy.
“I acknowledge the advantages of monogamy,” Savage told me, “when it comes to sexual safety, infections, emotional safety, paternity assurances. But people in monogamous relationships have to be willing to meet me a quarter of the way and acknowledge the drawbacks of monogamy around boredom, despair, lack of variety, sexual death and being taken for granted.”
According to Savage, the unrealistic expectations that monogamy thrusts upon married couples have the potential to do some real damage. In fact, he claims that this element “destroys more families than it saves.” Watch Savage discuss monogamy’s “ridiculous” and “unnatural” nature below:
[Content Warning: Explicit language]
Savage, who is in a same-sex union with a man named Terry Miller, practices something he calls “monogamish.” Basically, this theory allows him and his partner to have “occasional infidelities,” so long as the two are honest about them. Miller, who was originally opposed to the idea, is quoted as saying:
“You assume as a younger person that all relationships are monogamous and between two people, that love means nothing can come between you. Dan has taught me to be more realistic about that kind of stuff.”
CNN tackled this issue back in 2009 as well, writing:
In the age of hookups, friends with benefits and online dating, and as human life expectancy grows, is it still reasonable to expect people to pair up and stay monogamous until death do them part?
“It’s realistic that some people can mate for life in the same sense that some people can play the Beethoven violin concerto or other people can ice-skate beautifully or learn a new language,” said psychiatrist Judith Eve Lipton.
Is monogamy difficult? For some people, it is. But, the flip side of Savage’s feelings on the matter is that human beings should learn self-control. Just as individuals must curtail their intake of food in order to keep a shapely figure, they must also control their desires if they wish to maintain a healthy marriage — or so opponents of this free-love philosophy would say.
What do you think? Is monogamy completely unrealistic?
(h/t Newsbusters)
Popular Stories
Paper Details Obama Admin’s Alleged Secret Note Sent to Iran: If Israel Attacks, We Won’t Get Involved 584 Comments
‘Made Up Religion’: TV Historian Enrages Muslims, Receives Threats After Producing UK Documentary Questioning Islam’s Beginnings 413 Comments
This Is the Creationists‘ Response to Scientist Bill Nye’s Viral Pro-Evolution Video Claiming They Harm Children 412 Comments
Roseanne Barr: Most Billionaires ‘Violent Pedophiles’ & ‘Heartless’ Cocaine Addicts 374 Comments
President Obama Issues Major ‘Green Energy’ Executive Order 368 Comments
Faith
- This Is the Creationists‘ Response to Scientist Bill Nye’s Viral Pro-Evolution Video Claiming They Harm Children 412 Comments
Pakistani Muslim Cleric Accused of Framing Disabled Christian Girl in Koran-Burning Case Read More- ‘Made Up Religion’: TV Historian Enrages Muslims, Receives Threats After Producing UK Documentary Questioning Islam’s Beginnings 413 Comments
Meet the Controversial German Imam Accused of Brutally Beating His Wife & Pushing Sharia Law Read More
‘Self-Proclaimed Messiah’ & Unification Church Leader the Rev. Sun Myung Moon Has Died — Here’s His Life Story Read More
Business
- President Obama Issues Major ‘Green Energy’ Executive Order 368 Comments
- Germany’s Upcoming Court Ruling Will be Huge for the EU Read More
Ford Looks to Beat Toyota for Best-Selling Car in 2012 With This Model 151 Comments
Bernanke & QE3: Here’s What You Need to Know Read More- ‘Extortion’: Why Did the Labor Department ‘Drop the Hammer’ on Oregon Farmers? 302 Comments
Technology
- This Is the Creationists‘ Response to Scientist Bill Nye’s Viral Pro-Evolution Video Claiming They Harm Children 412 Comments
‘TaserDrone’: Hackers Weaponize Quadcopter With Actual ‘Shocking’ Technology Read More
Ever Heard of the Wild ‘Burning Man’ Festival in the Middle of the Nev. Desert? Here’s Your Primer Read More
Stanford Develops Technology ‘Better Than Steroids’ for Athlete Recovery Read More
Have You Pretended to Know What ‘the Cloud’ Is? You’re Not Alone Read More
Submitting your tip... please wait!
Comments (187)
BiteMePETA
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:26pm2011 and the blaze is already switching gears to use the term “Unions” to legitimize homosexuality….. it‘s the type of propaganda we’d expect from the left…
i’m done with this place…. you folks have fun…. can get this nonsense anywhere….
Report Post »LT-USPHS
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:26pmI’ll also bet Mr. Savage doesn’t goes to church every Sunday nor read the Scriptures. He should spend less time self abusing and more time giving Christian service in his community.
Report Post »Anonymous T. Irrelevant
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:34pm“Opportunity may knock once, but temptation is always trying to kick down the door.”
Report Post »Monogamy hasn’t worked for the past 200-300 years or more? This hedonist just has no boundaries.
I will agree that couples DO need to be honest and talk with each other, but having an affair will just breed resentment.
BetsyRoss1513
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 4:41pmEven when you‘re ’honest and up front’ about them! Being honest and upfront (”Honey, I’m gonna go get l a i d tonight wi/ so and so – see you in the morning.”) doesn‘t mean your spouse isn’t going to get pisssed.
Report Post »Dougral Supports Israel
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:26pmHe says “We can’t help our urges”. That’s an excuse for doing virtually anything. I would agree that you can’t help being tempted to do something but what you do with that temptation is a measure of character. Savage‘s advice is just another way of justifying the old 60’s “If it feels good do it” mantra.
Report Post »LT-USPHS
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:57pmExactly! If it feels good then it’s okay to throw my kid in a cactus patch on the side of the road and leave him for dead? By Mr. Savage’s reasoning I can steal, tell lies, curse God, adulterate/fornicate, fill my soul with hate and envy, skip church and golf on the Sabbath, and whatever temptation enters my mind as long as it feels good.
Report Post »This mentality is why our nation is in trouble. America, take responsibility for your thoughts and actions and control yourself.
Big Book Harry
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 11:51pmHe talks about sobriety “jumping off the wagon”(Choice is made) you don‘t EVER have to drink again if you don’t want to.(got to want to)Our basic instincts are perfectly natural and surely God given. Yet these instincts so necessary for our existence often far exceed their proper functions, powerfully blindly many times subtly they drive us and dominate us and insist upon ruining our lives. they cause man great trouble practically all the troubles he has. NO HUMAM BEING however good is exempt from these troubles. 12&12 Step 4. These over run basic instincts manifested in our lives come out as our defects of character (Pride,Anger,Greed,Gluttony,Lust,Envy,Sloth) With the power of the Father living in and through me I can turn away from these sinful desires of the flesh, and continue to grow in the sunlight of the spirit. It does not mean that I am perfect, my conscience bears whiteness and I proclaim progress not perfection. In this it is easy to remain monogamous for I am not being faithful to her but to God. I am given the blessing of opportunities to give of myself thru unselfish love, service and sacrifice to my fellow brothers and sisters, really amazing. It‘s like finding a treasure that can’t be explained, you just have to do the work for yourself and only then would you understand.
Report Post »mossbrain
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:24pmYou younger guys need to realize that most women are just looking for a life long meal ticket. All their talk of “love” is nothing but manipulation to get you to bite the bait on the hook.
My advice, if you haven’t already put on the ball and chains, don’t get married!
Report Post »Jabber
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 2:44pm“You younger guys need to realize that most women are just looking for a life long meal ticket. All their talk of “love” is nothing but manipulation to get you to bite the bait on the hook.”
And you are beyond positive that your obviously distasteful past with women has NOTHING whatsoever to do with you having a brain made of moss? Uh huh. Whatever works for you…
Report Post »bellasbrat
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 6:49pmMossbrain, your screen name says it all.
Report Post »Kathleen
Posted on July 2, 2011 at 1:45amWilll you marry me Mossbrain?
Report Post »Micmac
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:24pm“Luke, the Dark Side can give you what you are seeking.”
Report Post »ConservDadASD
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 2:46pmMicmac
“Luke, the Dark Side can give you what you are seeking.”
Interesting quote… which raises a thought:
Annikin turned from a cute little boy and young man into the monster Darth Vader by giving into his urges and feelings (that were being manipulated by Sideous {aka the Devil}), and eventually into the Dark Side.
Luke stayed on the right side of the force by resisting (for the most part) his urges and feelings, and became instrumental in pulling his father out of the dark side long enough to destroy Palpatine.
This may be a fictional story… but the lesson still stands: Resist the dark side!
In a non-fictional source, it says to “Submit to God, Resist the Devil, and he will flee from you.”
There, now you got the fictional and the non-fictional, Yoda and St Paul, advising you what to do. Do it you should, or terrible consequences your life shall have.
Report Post »catndahat
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:19pmAs usual, liberals “can’t help themselves”…
Can’t help themselves and must give into their urges, desires, etc.
Liberals are weak, undisciplined, lacking a moral framework, unwilling to make sacrifices for others, selfish, lacking ethical guidance, unable to learn from past behavior, ineffective at setting a good example, unable to inspire through their behavior, ALWAYS settling at the lowest denominator…
Report Post »SlimnRanger
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 2:07pmWell i reckon many people think they need more than one sexual partner,just ask Bill Clinton
Report Post »harley10
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 8:40pmAmen!
Report Post »Willie Stoker
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:19pmHis being in a Homosexual relationship is much more telling than his opinion on monogamy, His own sexual perversion would negate any Advise he would have on marriage, to normal people.
Report Post »Jabber
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 2:27pmIt is interesting that his “partner” did NOT like the idea at first, but allowed Mr. Savage to talk him into seeing it differently and thus accepting it. Boy that is love ain’t it?
Report Post »NoVampires
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 8:30pmBingo. First one to hit the nail on the head. I‘m surprised he hasn’t croaked yet from something.
Report Post »Snowleopard {gallery of cat folks}
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:18pmOne more example of a liberal progressive hedonist up and coming political sattrap figure for all of us to see and hear – on what not to do.
Report Post »http://artinphoenix.com/gallery/grimm
FREDD The WILSON
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:17pmCome on Encinom. admit it! You’ve got the hots for this guy. Well you’re in luck because he believe in getting it on with a little infidelity. (As long as he tells his partner,)
Report Post »vennoye
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:17pmWhat a mess!! This is the person people look to for guidence?????????
Report Post »Gonzo
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:16pmGosh, who to believe? Dan Savage or God.
Report Post »Micmac
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:16pmSo let’s have 2nd and 3rd deviations dictate what is norm?? Bozo!!
Report Post »CalvinandHobbes
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:15pmDoes anyone really buy this crap? The only reason this is being discussed is because it goes against the mainstream ans is “sensational”. He believes what he believes only because of his lifestyle….May work for you, but stay the hell away from me and don’t tell me how to live MY life!
Report Post »FREDD The WILSON
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:13pmLets do laissez faire living Just do what the hell you want as long as it doesn’t affect your neighbor right. What a great country we live in. Imagine him making this claim in Yemen or Iran or even Egypt. We can have perverts like this “professional” spewing his rhetoric because it works for him, not taking in consideration the lives it probably destroys. Hey baby it’s all for love.
Report Post »reeneyse
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 10:17pmdont forget they want us to pay for it, I am sure the taxpayers are responsible for his chioce… or was that George Bush???
Report Post »Whostolemypig
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:12pmThis guy is only a gnats ass away from being a complete idiot.
Report Post »ZaphodsPlanet
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 4:26pmI think you’re giving him far too much credit.
Report Post »MONICNE
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:04pmWelcome to Ayn Rand world!
Report Post »BlazingPatriot
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:03pmDan Savage is one sick puppy.
There is no telling what else he “thinks” is appropriate in our society.
WRONG – WRONG – WRONG !!!
Report Post »banjarmon
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:03pmMore partners the more chance of catching an incurable STD… Your choice.
Report Post »Jake in Denver
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:02pmWhat a load of horse mess. This just more appeasement for the “Gimme” generation that feels entitled to everything yet will work for nothing.
Report Post »Airb0rne4325
Posted on July 2, 2011 at 7:48amExactly, guilt-free behavior. “An expert said it was natural to do this so it must be ok”. “I’m expressing myself, don’t be so oppressive.”
Report Post »Ridiculous.
jedi.kep
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:02pmThat’s it liberals. Turn yet ANOTHER thing upside down. Only the complete arrogance of man can decide that the things that have worked well for over 6000 years of recorded history need to be turned on their head. Spanking, marriage, government, freedom, or whatever. It won’t be long the liberals will be calling for slavery, and beheadings next. These folks are so screwed up!
Report Post »jnealer
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 5:08pm6000 years? Really? Does the term “Roman orgy” mean anything to you? Do you have any idea how the Spartans “mentored” their pupils? Have you ever heard of a continent called Asia, and how many of their sexual relationships have been traditionaly maintained? Sex wasn’t invented in the 60s, you know – gain some perspective.
Report Post »Jake in Denver
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:00pmWhat a load of crap. More appeasement for the “Gimme” generation that feels entitled to everything and will work for nothing.
Report Post »TH30PH1LUS
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:00pmHis article and perspective are pathetic and cater to the basest and laziest aspects of humanity.
Report Post »Jaycen
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:51pm@TH30PH1LUS
Agreed, man.
Report Post »justsaying
Posted on July 2, 2011 at 8:37amAgreed. We can’t help our desires so we must give in to them….what happened to self-control?
Report Post »I.Gaspar
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 12:58pmA new survey of liberals shows that species jumping is a safe and fun way to cheat on one’s spouse.
Report Post »But always remember to wear a condom.
ASCulottes
Posted on July 2, 2011 at 5:37pmI love hypocrites. This guy is saying what a lot of people are thinking and you guys spew hate. What’s wrong with telling your spouse how you feel? Does anyone know why polygamy is illegal in the United States? Because the government launched a war on Mormonism, after they lynched Smith. So you can keep your government conditioned moralities; and I’ll keep the natural anatomy of my brain. Oh and btw I’m not Mormon.
Report Post »Exrepublisheep
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 12:54pmAnti-gay comments in 3…2…1…
Report Post »Showtime
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:54pmYou knew I’d be first in line for that one, huh, Sheep? :D
Headline:
Report Post »Sex Advice Columnist Dan Savage: Monogamy ‘Destroys More Lives Than it Saves’
New headline:
Mule-headed Conservative Writer Showtime/The Navigator: “Progressivism Destroys Freedom, Economy, and Honor”
goodone121
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 4:46pm“Antigay comments”?! How about “truthful comments about homosexual acts”?!
Report Post »BuckleUpAmerica
Posted on July 2, 2011 at 5:35amExactly! Like how disgusting it is! You never hear gays talk about haveing to wipe the poop off their stick! But you know that’s the truth! Sick!!!!
Report Post »thinkinghuman
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 5:29pmThese people are all ADDICTED to their infidelities, why can’t they focus on that rather than try to change all the rules of life? I will never accept gay relationships simply because they are immoral. Everyone knows that too.
Report Post »ShyMan
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 6:09pmThat boy is as queer as a football bat.
Anti-gay enough for ya?
Sex and relationship advice from a sexual deviant?
Just goes to prove the axiom: if you live long enough you’ll see everything.
We give children pills for being too hyper (aka childish) because they have some sort of chemical imbalance but try too say someone might be chemically imbalanced because he like to put his New York congressman inside another man‘s donkey and you’ll be called every name in the book.
Report Post »ssbstspd
Posted on July 2, 2011 at 11:39amand you woudlnt say this article especially this guy writing it , isnt asking for it..
Who would take marriage advice from a homosexual anyways ? completely rediculous
Report Post »i guess when you get hiv you might be singing a different tone.
tdpwells
Posted on July 2, 2011 at 8:50pmThe saddest thing about this entire exchange is that it will do nothing to combat the widespread belief among those opposed to homosexuality that gays do nothing but screw around (which I do not believe to be true, for the record).
Savage is wrong on so many points, but namely this: “But people in monogamous relationships have to be willing to meet me a quarter of the way and acknowledge the drawbacks of monogamy around boredom, despair, lack of variety, sexual death and being taken for granted.”
No, I don’t have to meet him a quarter of the way. All of the above problems have nothing to do with monogamy but everything to do with poor communication between the two adults involved in a monogamous relationship, and not living to your full potential in the construct of that relationship. Sharing a life with someone is a two-way street, involving both give and take, and those problems he names above are the result of too much taking and not enough giving. Monogamy is not the cause of that – character flaws are.
Report Post »Nobamazone
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 12:53pmevil becomes good and good becomes evil…. oh the slippery slop we find ourselves on!
Report Post »Elena2010
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:02pmYep! This guy is an apostle for the dark side of the universe!
Monogamy is the best for overall family relationship. The problem is our culture does not model healthy marital relationships any longer. Gone are the days of “Father Knows Best” and “Leave It to Beaver.” Now we suffer thru endless stings of infidelity and abuse on the little and big screens.
Report Post »edcoil
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:30pmHe looks gay. Is he gay as well as stupid?
Report Post »edcoil
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:44pmI found out yes he is gay which iw why gays should not “marry” they just don’t get it and will add no value to it and like most gays spend more time in bath houses then valuing a partner.
Report Post »Czar Casm
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:34pmThis is the same thing as a serial killer justifying his “urges”, as this guy puts it, and trying to convince people that such outdated traditions and views on murder are ridiculous. After all isn’t the killer an expert on such matters?
Report Post »If he’s having “drawbacks of monogamy around boredom, despair, lack of variety, sexual death and being taken for granted” then he’s not in a good relationship to begin with. Expert my arse.
Patrick in AZ
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 1:47pmIn other words – I should be allowed to sleep with anyone I want and nobody, to include my spouse, should criticize me for it or hold me to any standards of decency.
Report Post »GEW
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 2:02pmonce again, “man” does not wish to beheld to any standard. Therefore all standards are harmful. Mankind will never raise above the dust of this Earth cause they wish to play in the mud.
Report Post »DTOM_Jericho (Creator vindicator)
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 2:16pmI refuse to believe anyone had sex with that dude.
Report Post »BetsyRoss1513
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 4:49pmLol
Report Post »1proudAmerican
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 2:24pmIf you can’t/won’t be monogomous, don’t get into a relationship! No partner, no cheating.
Report Post »ablisterin
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 4:13pmWhen you spread diseases, don’t expect us to pay for a cure. You pay for the consequenses of your actions. Don‘t demand the gov’t (US) pay for them.
Report Post »His Lamb is Satanic
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 6:46pmWe can’t help our urges,…….dem logic
Report Post »evachier
Posted on July 1, 2011 at 10:25pmwell said …
Report Post »EP46
Posted on July 2, 2011 at 5:10amDoes this dude KNOW WHO his father is ??? That is one of the greatest problems with society, no families…kids with ‘no fathers’.
Report Post »