He doesn't know how to use the three sea shells.
I remember when you could have COLORED toilet paper... then came the EPA.
We could go back to recycled corn cobs, you know the red and white ones. Having made one's daily deposit, simply take a red cob and clean the 'business' end. Then, repeat with a white cob--to see if you might need another red cob to improve things a bit! One might introce her to my favorite U.S. Patent, the 6-day underwear! It's a 3-holer--you put your legs through two holes and then rotate by one hole each day for three days! To get 'extended range', simply flip inside out and, presto, you get another three days!