The Adventures of Putin McStud and Obama Mommy-Jeans

The following memos were leaked by a California high school student who accidentally tapped into NSA communication files while hacking into bank records of her computer science teacher.

DATE: March 1

TO: Barack-ski

FROM: Uncle Vladimir

SUBJECT: In Appreciation

Dear Barack-ski,

Thank you for reminding me about importance of assisting peoples who cry out for help. I remember how America does bang-up job of humanitarian aid for Libya. Except, Russia will not be copycat of Hillary “what difference does it make” Clinton’s lead-from-behind tactic. (Sorry to say, Uncle Vladi thought that dumb-ass policy made America look like pussy cat.)

Russian Parliament give me “OK” to deliver humanitarian aid to Ukraine lovers of peace and freedom. Using similar technique to your Occupy Wall Street movement, I send flags and signs to freedom-loving citizens in Ukraine. This makes for excellent TV and social media propaganda. I also am thanking you for setting up situation so Uncle Vladi could show he is stand-up guy who helps Ukrainian peoples when they beg for protection from enemies of freedom.

A man gestures during a pro Russia rally in Donetsk, Ukraine, Tuesday, March 11, 2014. Ukraine's acting president on Tuesday called for the formation of a national guard and for the mobilization of reserves and volunteers into the country's armed forces. The banner at right reads, "Freedom to Pavel Gubarev". Gubarev is a Donetsk protest leader and self-proclaimed people's governor who is currently under arrest. (AP Photo/Andrey Basevich)

DATE: March 11

TO: Barack

FROM: Vladimir

SUBJECT: With concern

(AP Photo/RIA Novosti, Alexei Nikolsky, Presidential Press Service) 

Mother Russia not happy about possibility of democracy outbreak in Ukraine. I’m remembering how you intervene in Arab Spring and help Muslim Brotherhood grab control of Egypt. Then, when military realized your Islamic pals are not so much about freedom as they are about chaos and oppression, they grab control back.

I am not allowing Russian Spring to infect our region. Nyet, nyet, nyet. I remind Ukrainian peoples how their leaders gave up nuclear weapons and now country has no real army and no real allies except Mother Russia who stands ready to help protect them against neo-Nazis and extremists.

(AP Photo/Darko Vojinovic) 

Barack, I am promising there will be costs if you step over my “Red Line.” Do not play intervention game and send illegal financial aid to Ukranian bandits who also beg for military hardware. This would make me very, very, very angry with you.

DATE: March 11

TO: Barack Obama, President of America

FROM: Vladimir Putin, President of Russia

SUBJECT: Mind your own business

Is time for you to tone down yak-yak babble from Secretary of State Mr. Kerry Windbag. Although, I am fine when he promises boycott of  G8 Economic Summit in June. Is no big deal. I’ll be busy anyway, capturing and tagging Siberian tiger with my bare hands.

Photo Credit: Telegraph

But, your endless threats of economic boycott? Is another story all together. I’m telling you to stop with finger-pointing teleprompter speeches.

Reset your memory banks.

Who has fist on oil spigot that supplies 30 percent of oil needs for European Union members?

Who has missiles that can reach break-away states on Russia’s fringe?

Who has no fear of reprisal since you broke agreement to build missile shield in Poland?

Who is manly, idolized, national hero who swims in freezing rivers, rides horses bareback, and can rally his country to reestablish Soviet Union boundaries (USSR.2)?

In case you do not know, Mr. Barack Obama, I am that WHO!

Your childish diplomacy is not welcome in my arena.

Go play golf game.

In this Aug. 11, 2013 file photo, President Barack Obama reacts as he misses a shot while golfing on the first hole at Farm Neck Golf Club in Oak Bluffs, Mass. , on the island of Martha's Vineyard. President Barack Obama's fourth summer vacation on the Massachusetts island of Martha's Vineyard is humming along with the usual golf games and basketball. But the family vibe is different. For the first time, daughters Malia and Sasha are missing, away at summer camp. (Credit: AP) 

I play war game.

This is none of your business.

What happens in Ukraine, stays in Ukraine. Period.

P.S. Want a little more snark in your day? Additional fables are posted on Molli’s blog, www.grannyguerrillas.com. You’ll enjoy the story about Prince Hope-n-change and his ascension to the throne. Molli tweets @grannyguerrilla.

–

TheBlaze contributor channel supports an open discourse on a range of views. The opinions expressed in this channel are solely those of each individual author.