Political pundits have written volume upon volume explaining what Trump can do to calm the storm, get the media off his back, and reestablish control. Needless to say, all of their prescriptions are wrong. Their prescriptions are always wrong. Political pundits, like psychics and weathermen, are essentially paid to be wrong. So, let’s ignore their analyses and focus on real solutions for a change.
I have devised a plan that would not only accomplish everything I outlined in the first sentence, but automatically make Donald Trump a cultural hero and icon. He would morph from the most hated politician in America to the most beloved. Or, at the very least, the hatred would be tempered and those who hate him would have to be very careful in how they express it, as opposed to now, when they can just come right out and accuse him of performing oral sex on Vladimir Putin.
The plan is very simple: President Trump must come out as a woman. A cisgendered Trump will continue to be reviled by the Left and despised by the media — even if he stops inflicting wounds on himself — but a transgendered Trump would be playing in an entirely different field by an entirely different set of rules. Truly, the only solution I can see is for Donald Trump to transition into Donna Trump. She will not get this kind of advice from her advisers in the White House or her surrogates on television. The responsibility has been left to me, and, as a patriot, I feel compelled to fulfill it.
Let me outline the four great advantages to my plan:
(1) Trump would rise to the top of liberalism’s Victim Pyramid.
Victimization is the currency of the Left. To be a victim is to have power. The more victimized you are, the more insulated you are from criticism. But there is a hierarchy of victimization on the Left. At the moment, Trump is at the bottom — that is, the least victimized, thus the most subject to criticism — because he identifies as a cisgendered, heterosexual, white, Republican, Christian male. The fact that he’s also the President isn’t necessarily relevant. Obama was the president, yet he was permitted to play the victim. Hillary Clinton is one of the most influential failed politicians in America, yet she trades in victimization like it’s her job (because it is). Actual power and influence aren’t that important to the leftist victim equation. Identity is all that matters.
Now, the positions in the hierarchy tend to change over time as the various groups struggle to be the most victimized, but cisgendered, heterosexual, white, Republican, Christian males are always at the bottom, and anyone who can squeeze themselves into the LGBT acronym always stands perched at the top. Cisgendered women, black people, Hispanics, Muslims, etc., are in between, sometimes flipping positions depending on the news cycle. But the LGBT camp, as those entrusted with carrying forth the banner of sexual liberation, will remain forever at the pinnacle. And, arguably, at the pinnacle of the pinnacle sits the genderfluid, transgendered, genderqueer, gender-questioning, and genderless. If Donald Trump were to join this hallowed group, it would change the political landscape in an instant.
(2) Trump would be the first female president.
As we learned from Bruce Jenner’s “Woman of the Year” award, sometimes men make the best women. Who better, then, to shatter the glass ceiling than a man? I mean, a woman.
The Left may still oppose Donna Trump for her policies and her political positions, but they’d have to admit that her presidency was worth it, in the end, because of how it inspired our daughters to believe in themselves and reach for the stars. What a story it would be: a female CEO finally breaks into the presidential boy’s club and proves once and for all that women can do whatever they set their minds to. As long as they’re men.
(3) Trump’s propensity to be a loudmouth would suddenly be viewed as admirable.
A man can’t get away with saying what he says and tweeting what he tweets, but if he were a woman, his ranting would immediately become an inspiring expression of feminine strength and confidence. If anyone criticized him for it, he could simply respond, “Oh, you’re intimidated when a woman asserts herself? Tough luck, misogynist.”
(4) The Left would collapse in on itself like a dying star.
The phrase “it would make their heads explode” is painfully cliched and overused, but, in this case, I think it may be literally true. Identity Politics and the Victim Hierarchy are the two great weapons of the Left. Imagine what would happen if their ultimate Super Villain seized it and used it against them. Like Kryptonite, identity politics is what gives them power, but it can also destroy them (I’m not really versed in Superman mythology so this analogy may be flawed, but you get the point).
Now, I know the critical reader may, though rightly stunned by the brilliance of this strategy, still offer a few objections. Allow me to respond to them ahead of time:
(1) Objection: But Donald Trump is not a woman.
Answer: False. You should be ashamed of yourself. If Donald Trump says she’s a woman, she’s a woman. The Left has made this plain. They would be committing an actual hate crime if they even so much as hinted at the idea that Donald Trump can’t be a woman, or is not quite a woman, or is any less a woman than women who were born women. They have set the rules here and made those rules exceedingly clear. If a man says he’s a woman, then he’s a woman. Period. End of discussion. This is science, folks. Just ask Bill Nye.
(2) Objection: But what about Trump’s family?
Answer: This is actually an advantage. I would never suggest that Donna ought to leave her wife. Rather, in staying with her wife, she’d be racking up another Victim Point. She’d not only be a transgender woman, but a gay transgender woman.
(3) Objection: But Trump wouldn’t look very good in a dress.
Answer: What’s that supposed to mean, bigot? Also, who says she has to wear a dress, bigot? Who says she isn’t a non-binary gay transgendered gender-nonconforming woman who, though a woman, dresses, speaks, and acts exactly like a man? Donna need not make any changes to her life or her appearance at all. She need only say out loud, even in passing, or perhaps in a tweet, that she’s a woman. And she’d be a woman. Again, this is science.
(3) Objection: But he’d still be a Republican, thus still hated.
Answer: Stop misgendering the president. But, yeah, good point. I admit my plan is not completely perfect, but it’s better than any other I’ve heard. And, as I said, even if she’s still hated, it would require them to be more careful and restrained with their hate.
Perhaps, in consideration of that last objection, Mrs. Trump may consider adding a few additional Victim Points, just to provide herself with some extra cover. She could also come out as Muslim. And — who knows? — Native American. Maybe she’s from the same tribe as Elizabeth Warren. Who would dare criticize a gay transgendered gender-nonconforming Muslim Native American woman? Has she not faced enough intolerance and prejudice in her life?
Look, my solution would not usher in some kind of Utopia. Only socialism can do that. Trump would still face attacks as a woman, I know. Surely, sexism won’t suddenly go away. The Patriarchy won’t just pack it up and call it quits. Still, we’d finally — finally! — have a lady in the White House. We’d finally have a kick-butt diva showing those other presidents how it’s done. We’d finally have a Queen Bee sitting on her throne in the Oval Office, slaying misogynists like Beyonce. Sometimes it takes a woman to do a man’s job, I say, and sometimes it takes a man to be a woman to do a man’s job.
And when all is said and done, maybe Donna won’t have ended chauvinism all on her own, maybe the Patriarchy will land a few blows here and there, but the Left would have to offer her a salute and say, at least, with tears of gratitude in their eyes, “She persisted.”