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My 10 rules for air travel
Getty Images/Richard E. Aaron

My 10 rules for air travel

Follow to avoid becoming a victim of global communism.

1: Burbank, always.

Burbank and Long Beach are the only two airports on earth that recall the gentlemen’s era of flying, artifacts you should enjoy while you still can. In general, you should always opt for smaller, local airports, but only if they’re not ridiculously far from your destination.

You’re gonna let them force you to take your shoes off like a criminal? Give me a break.

2: Avoid LAX at all costs.

If you must, make sure to get an Uber Black upon arrival at LAX. Your family should go hungry before you step on the LAXIT bus. What’s the opposite of a wonder of the world? That’s the LAXIT bus.

Also, avoid layovers at Dallas airport, where the air conditioning is always on too high (you will likely get a cold) and where the only restaurants seem to be various forms of Pappadeaux Seafood Kitchen. Connecting in Denver is much preferable.

3: Spirit Airlines: never, ever.


4: Get both CLEAR and TSA PreCheck.

Best money I’ve ever spent. You’re gonna let them force you to take your shoes off like a criminal? Give me a break.

5: Centurion lounges are fine — but they’re not that great.

Often cramped and over crowded, and much like soho house, they’re mostly a money trap for middle class people to falsely signal high class. Often, a good airport bar is preferable to a lounge. That said, they have much healthier food than the rest of the airport.

6: Never wait in line for an espresso at the airport.

This is not espresso, it’s machine caffeine. Just get a normal coffee, it’s all the same.

7: Do not wear sweatpants.

Do not look like a slob. You will feel so much better the whole day if you dress decently and not like a cretin.

8: The fastest way to pass time on your flight is to work on your computer, blast music on headphones, and drink.

In fact, flying is one of the best “liminal spaces” to get work, particularly creative work, done. Remember the Kanye video of him making music on the plane? It’s a great feeling, one of the best in the world.

9: If delayed, don’t sit there frowning and lamenting your fate.

Nothing looks stupider than an angry person sitting and waiting for their name to be called for a crumb of standby status. Delays are another opportunity to work and drink in the fertile liminal space of air travel. Same goes for layovers — do not fear layovers. Getting air and moving the muscles is healthier than more time in the poop tube, and you’ll feel much better upon arrival.

10: If your Uber driver asks, “How’s your day going?” that means he wants to chat.

Chat with him; it’s good for you.

Isaac Simpson (@disgracedprop) is the founder of the dissident marketing agency Will and host of "The Carousel" podcast.

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