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Liberals, if you'd like to keep losing, please continue behaving like this
PHILADELPHIA, PA - NOVEMBER 13: Protestors demonstrate against President-elect Donald Trump outside Independence Hall November 13, 2016 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The Republican candidate lost the popular vote by more than a million votes, but won the electoral college. (Photo by Mark Makela/Getty Images)

Liberals, if you'd like to keep losing, please continue behaving like this

Liberals, it's clear that you wish to continue losing.

You found the taste of defeat so novel and exciting that you've become intoxicated by it. Indeed, you've done everything you possibly could over these past few days to ensure that your losses are magnified and replicated in the future. Not satisfied to simply lose in 2016, you've now begun the project of losing in 2020 and beyond.

Truly, your performance since Tuesday has been astounding in its tone deafness. It's hard for me to believe that anyone could paint such a masterpiece of ineptitude and self-destruction by accident. I can only conclude that you're doing it on purpose because, for whatever reason, you are not satiated by just one stunning, historic loss. You want more. And if that is in fact your aim, I would like to make a few suggestions to help you accomplish the goal.

If you'd like to lose again and again, make sure to do (I mean, keeping doing) the following:

1. Continue with the hilarious melodrama.

On Saturday, SNL opened their show with Hillary Clinton's impersonator somberly playing the piano and singing "Hallelujah." After the song, the actress turned to the camera and tearfully declared, "I'm not giving up and neither should you!" That was how a sketch comedy show handled Hillary Clinton's defeat. It was not supposed to be funny. But it was. Honestly, I haven't laughed so hard at an SNL bit since at least the mid-90's.

Liberals were not laughing, though. Leftists in the media and on social media agreed that the performance was "powerful" and "touching" and "inspiring." I was reminded by more than one person on Twitter that if I wasn't "moved" by Kate McKinnon's Hillary Clinton tribute, I'm "not human." Well, I guess I'm not human then. And neither are most of the rational adults in this country who watched the clip and rolled their eyes so hard they could practically see their own brains.

It bears mentioning that SNL handled the election results more sedately and mournfully than they handled 9-11. In the liberal mind, the former is clearly the greater tragedy. And it's precisely this kind of irrational, overwrought nonsense that drives people away from liberalism. So, keep it up. Great work.

2. Continue lying.

Shortly after Trump's election, we started seeing the feverish reports of "hate crimes" perpetrated by Trump supporters. Black Americans, gays, Muslims, and women were being hunted down in the streets and assaulted by neo-Nazis and Klansmen now emboldened by President-Elect Trump. Of course, almost all of these reports have been proven false.

Normal people knew they were false because normal people are aware that, despite what they tell you on college campuses these days, America is not filled to the brim with murderous Klansmen and closeted Nazis. There are, like, 8 of them in total (give or take) and they all live in the same trailer park. If you spent less time concocting fantastical narratives about the United States and more time actually learning about the country and the people who inhabit it, you'd know that already. And then you'd at least be able to come up with more convincing lies.

3. Continue being violent.

I won't pretend that the group of black people who pulled a white Trump voter out of his car and stomped the hell out of him were representative of the liberal majority, but they do represent a disturbing trend. And unlike the "hate crimes" being carried out by phantom Trump supporters around the country, this violent incident was helpfully filmed and posted online by the perpetrators. So, we know it happened. Just as we know for certain that leftists are storming shopping malls, setting fires, trespassing, vandalizing, throwing rocks at police officers, and rioting at various locations across the nation.

Rioting has become one of the primary methods of leftists self-expression in recent years, and it is about as convincing and effective a communication tool as it's always been. Which is to say, it's sure to win tons of converts for the other side but very few for your own. That's because no one watches the news and says to himself, "Hmmm. I didn't agree with the Left about this whole Donald Trump situation, but they've really made a compelling case by tossing Molotov cocktails at police cars. I'm going to have to rethink my position."

These "protests" may be cathartic for those involved, but they accomplish precisely nothing of substance. Those who are forced to witness them will be generally about as sympathetic towards the protesters as they are towards a toddler having a tantrum in the checkout aisle because his mommy won't buy him a pack of Starbursts. The only difference is that the toddler actually deserves some sympathy. He's a toddler, after all. He can't fully regulate his emotional responses. You guys, on the other hand, are adults. And if you want to convince other adults of your point of view, you may want to consider getting a hold of yourselves and speaking in complete sentences for a change.

On a related note...

4. Continue your rapid march back into childhood.

There have been many examples of this kind of thing, but let's focus on the funniest one. The University of Michigan Law School scheduled (and then, after public mockery, canceled) a therapeutic event for students distraught by the election. They called it "Post-election self-care with food and play." If that sounds like something from a bizarre, oddly politicized daycare center, that's because most colleges these days are nothing but bizarre, oddly politicized daycare centers.

This is how they described the event:

Join us for delicious and comforting food with opportunity to experience some stress-busting, self-care activities such as coloring sheets, play dough, positive card-making, Legos, and bubbles with your fellow law students.

Play dough. Coloring. Bubbles. Bubbles, for God's sake. I'm not sure what "positive card-making" is exactly, but I'm guessing it's about as creepy and pathetic as the rest of the scheduled activities.

You're not going to win back the working class as long as they (fairly and accurately) surmise that modern liberalism is an ideology designed for grown ups who wear footed pajamas to bed. Worse, if it's an ideology that turns you into the sort of grown up who wears footed pajamas to bed.

The average adult has kids to care for and a mortgage to pay and a job he has to get up for in the morning. He doesn't have time to crawl into a ball, weeping as he tries to express his emotions with Play Dough sculptures, all because his favorite candidate lost an election. The average adult simply can't relate to you guys, and if you'd like to lose in perpetuity, please make sure to continue your regression into pre-pubescence.

5. Continue calling everyone who disagrees with you racist.

It's a settled fact on the Left that Trump won because 60 million people are slobbering, inbred racists. On that point, I'd like to arrogantly quote myself from a piece I wrote last week:

It turns out that white people don’t like being called racists every second of the day. It seems that guilt, shame, and self-loathing are not the best ways to generate electoral turnout. Evidently, “Repent, you bigots!” is not the most effective rallying cry.

On a related note, it’s not true that all white people are racist. Of course it isn’t true. Again: stop being ridiculous. You can’t take some random sin or vice and assign it to an entire group of people based solely on their skin color. In fact, do you know what it’s called when you accuse everyone in a certain racial group of possessing some negative characteristic? Racism, by definition.

The other problem with writing off all of your political opponents as racist is that, if you come to believe your own propaganda, you'll quickly develop a deep hatred for the half of the country that disagrees with you. And if you hate people, you tend to alienate them. For example, take the Democrat strategist on CNN who sarcastically blurted out, "Oh, poor white people" when she was asked about the white Trump voter who'd been savagely beaten by a group of black protesters.

If you really believe that all white people are despicable racists -- or at least the white people who don't vote Democrat -- you will not be able to muster even the pretense of empathy or concern when white people are attacked. White middle class voters have taken note of this, understandably. And now they are a bit hesitant to vote into a power an ideology that detests them.

6. Continue relying on loudmouthed celebrities to get your message across.

Last week after the results came in, celebrity feminist Lena Dunham -- who campaigned for Hillary Clinton alongside Will Ferrell -- wrote a blog post that contained this paragraph:

It's painful to know that white women, so unable to see the unity of female identity, so unable to look past their violent privilege, and so inoculated with hate for themselves, showed up to the polls for him, too. My voice was literally lost when I woke up, squeaky and raw, and I ached in the places that make me a woman...

These few sentences encapsulate Dunham and her elitist celebrity cohorts. All of the bases are covered:

Nonsensical phrases like "violent privilege" and "unity of female identity"? Check.

Insulting an entire demographic group? Check.

Person doing the insulting also belongs to that demographic group? Check.

Accusing white people/women/gays/Muslims of "hating themselves" if they don't toe the liberal line on every single issue? Check.

"Literally"? Check.

Overwrought and melodramatic? Check.

Preoccupation with female genitalia? Check.

I suppose this is all quite soothing for the misguided souls who are already prone to agree with the likes of Lena Dunham, but that's a relatively small group. To the rest of humanity it's gibberish. Regular humans don't think like this or speak like this. A regular woman doesn't wake up the morning after an election and declare that the results made her vagina hurt. Regular Americans probably don't know who Lena Dunham is, and if they do know, they just want her to shut up and go away.

So if you want to keep losing, definitely make sure that she and her Hollywood feminist pals are your messengers.

Follow all six of these steps -- as you've done so well up until now -- and years of glorious defeats await you. Good luck and Godspeed.


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