Michelle Antoinette, Fabulou$ at 50

Once upon a time, 8-year-old Sammy’s parents discussed Michelle Obama’s “Fabulous 50” birthday celebration. He decided to write her a happy birthday letter.

Dear Mrs. President,

Happy Birthday to you,

Happy Birthday to you,

Glad you had a Happy Birthday,

That lasted real long too.

Daddy told me that Mr. President gave you an early birthday present. One extra week of vacation in Hawaii all by your lonesome. Wow! And a special plane to fly you and your cars and your helpers and your cooks and your food tasters and your secret service protectors back to the White House.

Mommy helped me add up all the costs of your special plane ($140,000) and paying for your helpers ($60,000) who stayed to take care of you. It came out to be $200,000 for a week of camping out at Oprah’s house!

If I had $200,000 to spend on whatever I wanted, I would buy a Big Mac and fries and vanilla milkshake and a piece of chocolate cake every single day for 50 years. (Mommy said I wouldn’t live that long because I’d get really fat and probably die of corrugated artery disease.) 

Illustration Courtesy of Author. 

Mommy told me you gave yourself a birthday party for 500 of your very best friends, and fed them chips and dips. I guess there wasn’t enough money for food since you spent $200,000 on your early birthday present. I got worried that your friends might have been all upset over not having real food, and decided not to bring you any presents. So, I painted you a rock. You can use it for a paperweight AND toss it around to make your arm muscles even bigger. But, don’t throw it inside the White House ‘cause you might hit Mr. President or a lamp.

Daddy and I thought of a really easy way for you to save enough money.

For your 51st birthday, make something special, like pork BBQ. When you take your next vacation in a couple of weeks, fly on Delta to get lots of frequent flier miles. Then use them whenever you go back to Hawaii or re-visit Africa or Spain or have another lunch with Mr. Bono in Ireland. 

Daddy and I decided to make a list of other ways you could save at least $140,000: by not using a special plane to fly you and your cars and your helpers and your cooks and your food tasters and your secret service protectors back and forth from Hawaii.  

[sharequote align="center"]To fly Queen Obama from Hawaii to Washington covers 50 year’s worth of Big Macs, fries, and colas.[/sharequote]

Did you know there are about a gadzillion empty FEMA trailers just sitting around in Lousiana? How about this! Clean them up real nice and then use some to make trailer parks outside veteran’s hospitals. This way, soldiers (like my grandpa and Aunt Barbara) will have cozy places to stay while they wait for hours or days or weeks or months to see their doctors.

FEMA travel trailer staging areas like this one in Purvis, Miss,. have caused concerns for neighbors — like Phillips — who worry about formaldehyde fumes and are suing the federal government. Photo Credit: Pam Fessler/NPR

Then, when Mommy showed me pictures of the broken-down schools right down the street from the White House. BAM! Another idea. Turn them into classrooms!  

When I told Daddy he snort laughed through his nose and said the teachers’ unions would love this ‘cause they could warehouse more kids and get paid more money for not teaching them anything. (I think he was kidding . . . but maybe not.)

Then DOUBLE BAM! I got an even better idea. How about parking FEMA trailers around the capitol building? Give every senator and representative their very own trailer. Who wouldn’t love that? This way, when they’re away from their families and working for us in Washington, they would have a bedroom, a kitchen and an office, all in one handy dandy trailer.  

The kitchen and dining area of a standard FEMA travel trailer. FEMA is working to quickly place and lease trailers for use as temporary housing to residents who lost their homes in the central Florida tornadoes. Photo Credit: Mark Wolfe/FEMA

Then, (and this is the best part of my idea), turn their old offices in the capital building into classrooms for kids in your neighborhood. Wow! Your girls could walk to school instead of being driven. Mommy said this would set a good example of your “Let’s Move” program.

Daddy told me that you and Mr. President talk a lot about sharing. Sharing is good. When your girls go to school with kids from your neighborhood, they could share books and snacks with other kids who might not have any. Maybe you could be a room mother and teach everybody about eating carrots and lettuce that they grow in their own backyards like you do.

Illustration Courtesy of Author. 

Speaking of sharing . . . Daddy came up with a good idea about how to share some of the money you’d save by not using a special plane to fly you and your cars and your helpers and your cooks and your food tasters and your secret service protectors from Hawaii to the White House. You could help a lot of families pay for health insurance after they lost the plans they liked and used to be able to afford. I don’t really know what that means, but Daddy said you would.

Speaking of the White House . . . since there would still be some money left over, how about paying White House workers to unlock the doors. This way everybody could walk inside and maybe meet your dog BO. (I was wondering. Is he named after your husband, Barack Obama? Or does he have BO?)  

And speaking of opening stuff . . .  here’s a real easy one, now that Mr. President has decided to re-open the World War II Memorial so all Americans can visit and say prayers for our soldiers. How about buying little American flags and pocket Constitutions with the picture of George Washington on the cover and giving them to visitors? That would be nice, don’cha think?

Speaking of George Washington . . . Mommy showed me a picture where you were all dressed up. I thought maybe you were pretending to be Martha Washington. But, Mommy said you were pretending to be the Queen of America. She thought you should change your name to Michelle Antoinette. Then, at your next party, you wouldn’t have to give anybody dinner or even chips and dips. Instead, you could let them eat cake . . . even if it gave them a little bit of corrugated artery disease.

Illustration Courtesy of Author.

I hope this helps. Happy Birthday.

Your friend, Sammy.

P. S. Dear Reader: Do you have any creative ideas about how to use the $140,000 that Michelle Antoinette squandered on the special plane that returned her and her cars, helpers, cooks, food tasters, and secret service protectors from Hawaii? Please share. Maybe Sammy will include them in his next letter to Mr. and Mrs. President. 

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