Once upon a time, there lived a greedy, mega wealthy Big Kahuna who cared not about people and felt no allegiance to any nation. His great joy was taking control of politicians and their countries by manipulating currency, interest rates, and stock markets.
And yet, he was not happy, happy, happy. Why? Because he had not achieved his greatest goal which was to control the most powerful country on the planet.
And so, he devised a fantastical plan that would bankrupt the country and fundamentally transform it into a socialistic nanny state - with himself as the Nanny-in-Chief.
But first, he must locate the perfect goon to serve as a figurehead: an attractive but self-centered and arrogant person, driven by a Messiah complex. This person would enable Big Kahuna to first gain control over all of the politicians, which would lead to control over all of the citizens.
Big Kahuna’s talent scouts fanned out across the country and discovered the perfect candidate, a weak-willed man-child with a history of drug abuse, who admired Marxist radicals, possessed no business experience or leadership skills, showed no love for his country, and displayed an ego the size of Chicago.
The chosen one became known as Little Dude Messiah. Eager to ascend to prominence, he became an adept student and learned to deliver Academy-Award caliber teleprompter speeches crafted by Big Kahuna’s script writers. They created a “hope and change” mantra that hypnotized the masses. Little Dude Messiah easily won the national presidential election.
Day-to-day care, ego-massaging, and over-all supervision of Little Dude Messiah was entrusted to a cadre of mediocre advisors who salivated over thoughts of the gi-normous amounts of money and power that would flow their way if they could keep him in line and on message.
One-by-one, Little Dude Messiah’s highly acclaimed and costly recovery programs failed, just as planned. The economy tanked, jobs were lost, and national debt skyrocketed. Staying on script, he pointed fingers of blame at the prior administration, red necks who clung to God and guns, the opposition party, ATM machines, conservative radio programs, Wall Street, and climate change.
Media promoted his blame game 24/7 to the masses who bought the deception. They cheered Little Dude Messiah’s every proclamation, wore t-shirts bearing his image, and marched in protest against the privileged One Percent who were not paying their fair share.
When he wasn’t campaigning for equality, wealth sharing, women’s rights, or playing golf, Little Dude Messiah pretended to be busy, busy, busy. He charted March Madness basketball results, polished his Nobel Peace Prize, bowed to Mid-East tyrants, played nicey-nicey with Iran, shoved Israel and Saudi Arabia under the bus, gave The Russian Bear control of the Mid-East, supplied Al Qaeda with weapons, squandered billions of taxpayer dollars on lavish vacations (disguised as “good will” trips), and increased the national debt by $4.7 trillion.
All was going well. The country moved along toward its anticipated financial collapse. Big Kahuna notified Little Dude Messiah’s mediocre advisors that it was time to launch the final vehicle of national destruction: an innocuous little cho-cho train overloaded with promises of massive redistribution of free health care. Obamacare for everyone.
Illustration Courtesy of Author
Eager to promote a health care program named after his glorious self, Little Dude Messiah faithfully read the teleprompter scripts and delivered a trinity of lies to the masses.
Like your doctor? Keep your doctor, Period.
Like your plan? Keep your plan. Period.
Save $2,500 dollars a year on your health insurance premiums. Period.
Glory Hallelujah. Period.
The Obama-Train chug, chug, chugged away from the White House as it climbed the mountain of mis-information. Little Dude Messiah’s mediocre advisors and paid-for Congress people climbed aboard chanting, “We think we can. We know we can!”
But then, whoopsie! The unthinkable occurred. Ordinary citizens discovered that implementation of Obamacare guaranteed they would lose their health care plans, their doctors, and their retirement savings as insurance premiums doubled, tripled, and quadrupled.
Little Dude Messiah had lied to them. Period.
Glory Hallelujah? No way! Period.
Illustration Courtesy of Author
His media pals turned against him. The masses turned cold shoulders in his direction. Little Dude Messiah’s popularity and job approval numbers hit the skids. He panicked.
Big Kahuna told him. “Stop whining. Stick to the master plan. Deliver the I’m-sorry-sorry-sorry speech. Then announce a temporary fix to un-cancel insurance policies for one year. Never-you-mind that it’s not possible to resurrect insurance policies that are gone, gone, gone.”
But (as you might expect), Little Dude Messiah’s oversized ego prevented him from delivering a genuine apology.
Then, the really terrible, awful truth was revealed. Little Dude Messiah’s put-it-off-for-one-year program was never supposed to benefit anyone. Its true intention was to 1) Calm the masses until after the 2014 mid-term elections and, 2) Shift blame off himself and onto the insurance companies because they would not reinstate policies that had been cancelled due to unrealistic and excessive Obamacare rules and regulations.
“You dirty rats!” The masses snarled at their democrat representatives.
“We’re outta’ here,” cried 12 jackass senators who faced tough reelection campaigns in 2014. They jumped off the Obama-Train.
As for Little Dude Messiah? He was left with no place to hide and no one to blame. In an “Emperor Has No Clothes” moment, he was revealed for being what he was: a lying, self-centered, arrogant, and morally bankrupt egomaniac.
Little Dude Messiah whined to Big Kahuna. “I want you to fix this for me. I followed your instructions. I apologized to the people. Maybe I went off message when I said I hadn’t been directly informed that private-and-employer-provided insurance policies were going to be cancelled. What difference does that make? I said I was sorry!”
Big Kahuna shouted, “Your apology was . . . TOTALLY LAME! You did not follow MY instructions. If you had groveled, the gullible masses would have forgiven you. You would have been able to stick it to the insurance companies when they refused to reinstate insurance plans that had been cancelled. And then, you could have launched a blame campaign against greedy doctors.”
Little Dude Messiah continued to cry.
“But it wasn’t my fault.”
“Nobody taught me how to look sorry and act contrite.”
“Media turned against me and leaked the truth.”
“You gotta’ give me another chance.”
“I’ll do a better job during the remainder of my term, beginning tomorrow.”
Big Kahuna shrugged. “Fiddle-dee-dee and hoop-de-do. Tomorrow’s another day. I’m moving on. Hillary, Jeb, or Chelsea might be capable enough to spearhead my next attempt to crash your economy and take control of your country.”
Illustration Courtesy of Author
Little Dude Messiah stomped his feet, “But . . . but . . . but . . . Obamacare is my signature piece of legislation. I’ll be laughed out of the history books. What will become of my legacy?”
Big Kahuna shrugged his shoulders. “Frankly . . . Little Dude, I don’t give a damn.”
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