Once upon a time . . . NSA bugged the office of Nancy Pelosi, former Speaker of the House of Representatives. The following conversation with her Public Relations Director was captured, stored, and then leaked to the press by Edward Snowden.
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi of Calif. gestures while speaking on Capitol Hill in Washington, Tuesday, Oct. 1, 2013, during an event to mark the start of the Affordable Care Act, popularly known as Obamacare, with other lawmakers and people whose lives have been impacted by lack of health insurance. At right is Sen. Max Baucus, D-Mont. (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)
DATE STAMP: March 2, 2010
“WHAT DON’T YOU GET ABOUT THIS?”
“We . . . have . . . to . . . pass . . . the . . . law . . . before . . . anybody . . . reads . . . it!”
“We don’t want the peasants to discover they can’t keep their doctors, their insurance plans, and will be forced to accept expensive policies that include procedures they’ll never use. NOBODY, and I mean NOBODY will want a group of pencil pushing bureaucrats deciding if granny receives a hip replacement or cancer surgery."
"I need to reassure members of Congress and the public, in a sincere and heartfelt speech, that the best way to handle all the fuss and muss and fog over dear Barack’s healthcare bill is to first pass it, and then find out what’s in it.”
“Before I deliver my message, I need a little Botox here, a little Botox there, here a Botox, there a Botox, everywhere a little Botox . . . so I'll look my youthful best."
DATE STAMP: October 15, 2013
”WHAT DON’T YOU GET ABOUT THIS?”
"We . . . must . . . implement . . . the . . . healthcare . . . law . . . before . . . they . . . can . . . change . . . it.”
“If it’s delayed past January, millions more angry voters will discover the truth. They won’t support our candidates. We’ll lose Congress in 2014 and the White House in 2016."
“Barack and Valerie want me to schedule a wide-eye-and-happy-face press conference and remind voters to look on the bright side. When inferior and scam insurance plans no longer are available, this creates delightful opportunities for them to shop around. And everybody knows how Americans love to shop!”
DATE STAMP: November 1, 2013
"DON’T BE SUCH A WORRY WART! The website is locked down tight while dear Barack’s Community Organizers . . . whoops . . . I meant his Healthcare Navigators fan out across the country."
"No, of course they won’t be signing people up for healthcare. Whatever gave you that idea? They’ll do what they’re being paid to do: obtain personal information (especially social security numbers), and register democrat voters. That’s it!”
“Everybody in the White House is happy, happy, happy that the plan is working so well. Young adults take the easy way out, steer clear of Obamacare and sign up for free Medicaid."
"What they don’t need to know is that if they need a doctor, it won’t be easy to find one who accepts the low, low, low Medicaid reimbursement rates.”
“Plus, millions of young people are covered by mommy and daddy’s insurance. They aren’t going to spend their allowances to support the medical needs of older people. Insurance companies will discover they have an over-abundance of older and sicker customers and therefore, won’t have sufficient income to pay claims. Payments for medical care will be delayed. Many insurers will go out of business."
"Then, of course, more doctors will throw up their hands and opt out of the system, creating a doctor shortage. Patients will wait for weeks or months to see a primary care physician. Nobody will receive the healthcare they’ve been promised. And there won’t be enough money to fix anything. Exactly as we planned.”
“Then, dear Barack and his teleprompters will travel around the country giving speeches, and making it perfectly clear that republicans, the t-party, veterans, greedy insurance companies and money-grubbing doctors are to blame for the situation. He’ll show his oh-so-sad face about how he must cancel welfare, disability, and food stamp programs in order to gather enough dollars to pay for healthcare.”
“This will drive his entitlement slaves bat s**t crazy! They’ll demand the 1% pay more of their fair share to make Obamacare work for the 99%. They’ll march, protest, and occupy. Chaos in our streets. The scent of marijuana in the air. How delightful!”
“But, here’s the best part. Remember the millions of democrats registered by the Healthcare Navigators? Our union friends will bus them to the polls next November and hand out voting instructions (provided in English and Spanish). We’ll elect more of us than ever before (even though the Republicans and their voter ID laws make it difficult for dead democrats to vote). We’ll take back the House and I’ll be third in line for the presidency. . . again. Isn’t that a lovely thought?"
“Next week, during my press conference, I’ll start the ball rolling and hint about the possibility of cutting back on entitlements because the richest people just aren’t paying enough in taxes.”
“But first, I need a little skin tightening here, skin tightening there, tightening here, tightening there, tightening, tightening everywhere . . . so I'll look my best."
DATE STAMP: November 25, 2013
“Would you ever have imagined that Mitt Romney would be such a sore loser? When he called dear Barack a liar on the Sunday talk shows, it stuck like glue. I wish he would just fess up. He lied. Period. He can act contrite, hang his head, and beg to be forgiven. Maybe wipe away a tear. With a quivering voice, he could explain that he told a few little fibs because he wanted Americans to get on his bandwagon and help 30 million sick and suffering people obtain healthcare. He just didn’t think it was right that poor Americans and illegal immigrants had to wait in line at hospital emergency rooms.”
“Darn those Republicans, parading sick people with their boo-hoo-lost-my-insurance-coverage on the talk show circuit day and night. Valerie thinks we should round up our own sickies to give thanks for dear Barack’s healthcare program that now covers them from cradle to grave.”
“I’ve scheduled a press conference to create a couple of diversions. First I’ll declare that the healthcare implementation has gone along very well indeed and millions of Americans are signing up. Then, I’ll announce that it’s time to step up and reform immigration, bring people out of the shadows, give them green cards, ballots, and a livable wage guarantee of at least $15 an hour. That ought to distract the opposition. Republicans are such predictable ferrets. I get such a kick out of watching them chase after every bright and shiny concept we announce through our media!”
"My press conference is set for tomorrow. Gotta’ run. I need another adjustment here, adjustment there, here adjustment, there adjustment, adjustments needed everywhere because I can’t completely close my gorgeous eyes."
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