SCRIPT: It's halftime. Both teams are in their locker room discussing what they can do to win this game. But we’re thinking about the president.
Because it's halftime in America, too. People are out of work, and they're hurting. And they're all wondering what a bunch of politicians who can double the debt without passing a budget will do to save the economy.
And we're all scared because this isn't a game. Because we don't know what to do without Ray LaHood’s wisdom. Because it just wouldn't be 2012 without a vapid campaign ad masquerading as a patriotic car spot ruining one of the very few non-politicized events left in the country.
Hey, you and I know this country can't be knocked out with one punch. It could take at least two four-year terms of punches to get the job done.
Usually, though, we get right back up, administration after administration. And next time we get up, the world is going to hear the roar, er, the hum, of a 400-pound battery charged with coal-powered electricity -- at approximately 40 miles a pop, if you’re really lucky.
So what really matters now is what’s ahead. Stop harping on the misery of the past few years. How do we come from behind? How do we come together?
And how do we win? Isn't the answer obvious? Import Detroit.
As you know, the people of Detroit know a little something about ruin. They almost lost everything. After decades of mismanagement, they needed help. So Democrats pulled the nation out of its ugly and clingy selfishness, and now Motor City is fighting again.
Did I mention we sold, like, 281 Volts last month alone? Not too shabby, considering you already paid for them.
Detroit's showing us how it can be done. Nothing says winner like Detroit. And nothing says Detroit like unsustainable union pensions, a fleeing workforce and compact cars that would cost more than 100K without federal subsidies.
It's us against the world.
So take that, China.
And you, too, nonunion Honda assembly plant in Alabama.
You know what? I’ve seen a lot of tough eras, a lot of downturns in my life ("Pink Cadillac," "Honkytonk Man," "J. Edgar"). It's true; there were times when we didn’t understand each other. Other times, it seems as if we've lost our heart (2010 midterms). But when the GOP fog of division, discord and blame made it so that we had to deal with unnecessary partisan squabbling, He acted. And if we don't reward failure, who will?
So it's time to divide the nation by the 1s and 99s, by filthy despicable rich and decent folk. It's time to find a common adversary. It's time to be almost united. Because through all our tribulations, we've rallied around what was right (except during the 2010 midterms). Because freedom isn't worth anything if you don’t fall in line.
In the past, we've fought wars together and we've built wondrous highway systems (which we really shouldn’t be using so much, by the way). Today we continue that tradition by handing favored corporations taxpayer-funded cash giveaways so that cronies can sell out to Italian car manufacturers.
Yeah, it's halftime, America. And our second half's about to begin.
Thank you, Mr. President.