Slippery slope: First plastic bags are banned, now plastic straws?

First they came for our plastic bags. Now, liberals want to snatch our straws.

John Metcalfe at the Atlantic argues that plastic straws are naturally the next plastic product cities should target for abolition. Why? Because "slurping beverages through a bendy straw makes you look like a giant baby," he writes.  Let's dissect his case...

Rule No. 1 in garnering support for pointless policies like this one: Try to convince people that they'd actually benefit by limiting their choices.

Unlike plastic bags or utensils, which harm the environment while actually serving a useful purpose, drinking straws have no reason to exist other than to provide a crumb of luxury to a paying customer.* Nobody will suffer unduly if these plastic tubes are removed from their mouths; in fact, that would only streamline the traditional drinking method of lips-meet-liquid. Not to mention that they don't make drinking much easier. When used to suck soda, they add an undesirable amount of fizziness to the brew; try to stir coffee with them, and you might as well be using toothpicks.

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Rule No. 2:Use peer pressure -- insist that all the cool kids are doing it and therefore you should too.

Environmentalists have kicked off a campaign called "Straw Wars" to rid London's Soho district of drinking straws. Businesses that sign up to the effort promise not to give out straws to customers unless they're requested; so far, 31 bars and clubs have joined the anti-straw crusade. [...]

This isn't the first time environmentalists have tried to rein in the tubular accessory. Earlier this year, Miami Beach banned hotels from giving out straws because they always seemed to wind up littering beaches. Given the wave of plastic-bag bans sweeping across America, it's also likely this won't be the last effort to stop straws.

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Rule No. 3: Include an animated video that uses humor to make people more comfortable with your ridiculous demands.

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Rule No. 4: Insist that you're going to move forward with your demands even if people don't agree with them.

So if you can't live with enjoying your drink straight from the glass, perhaps it's time to invest in one of these stainless-steel numbers.

Get ready, America -- useful idiots are coming for your straws.

What will liberals ban next?  Let us know what you think with a comment!