Allow me to be perhaps the first person in conservative media to come out in favor of impeachment.
Of course, my reasoning is way different from that of the Democrats, but I vote yes nevertheless. Because this is probably the only way to guarantee the vast majority of these taxpayer-subsidized hacks, regardless of party, will be doing any work up there on Capitol Hill all day.
Let's face it, the main reason we're going to see this vapid political theater through to the bitter end is because the political class is bored, and so are the media. The political class has schemed to cynically take all the meaningful domestic policy debates off the table until after the next election. And there are only so many times you can be Politico's anonymous source in between waiting for federal judges to die and be replaced. I feel you, dog.
Then there's we in the media who are so desperate for material we're now click-baiting each other over Swedish children being exploited as Soviet agitprop. That's right, not American children but Swedish children. Where have you gone, David Hogg? A nation turns its lonely clicks back to you.
Indeed, we have so exhausted, abused, and ignored every other morsel of our Constitution except impeachment, why not go ahead and throw another shrimp on the barbie? When in the midst of a cultural implosion, leave no founding principle behind I always say. Get busy dying, or get busy dying.
Sure, it seems a tad ironic that the folks who think the Constitution is a dead letter are here to save it from the cretin in the White House. After all, when putting such relics in the hands of those who don't know what a gender is, what could possibly go wrong? Other than pretty much everything, of course.
That doesn't mean Trump is pure as the driven snow, because he never is. But if the choice is handing the country over to those claiming we're all going to die in 10 years because of what the temperature might be 10,000 years from now, or Trump's lame attempts to live out his Frank Underwood fantasies, I defer to the keen judgment of the great prophet Norm Peterson from Cheers: "Trump...can't live with him, pass the beer nuts."
So impeachment it is, then. Not because we care, but because we don't. Teapot Dome, Watergate, a president committing perjury under oath — now those were a better class of corruption. Scandals worthy of their times. Back when men had hair on their chests, as opposed to now, when the non-binary being does.
Instead, we're going down the only way we know how — passive-aggressive. With a president potentially attempting to kind of, sort of threaten but not really a foreign country to give him the dirt on his political adversaries. Which if true could be the dumbest thing Trump has done yet. Why didn't he just use the FBI, like everyone else does?
Many of those crying for impeachment should themselves be impeached, if not incarcerated. Only in a time as stupid as ours would the debate be about threatening to take back the American people's money from the Ukraine, as opposed to giving Ukraine even more of it.
But if you gotta go, go with a smile. At the very least, this promises to be damned funny. With Nancy Pelosi attempting to speak through her face-lifts, Joe Biden attempting to speak at all, and Trump taking a timeout from making indecent proposals to North Korea to punk Mitt Romney every step of the way.
This may not be the impeachment we need, but it will certainly be the impeachment we deserve.