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Progressivism is a cult: It's just a chicken sandwich

Conservative Review

How did the social media grievance commissars forget about cows?

Remember last week when I told you that eggplant and hotdog emojis were somehow evidence of hate speech to the SJW victim class? Well, if cows keep telling us to eat more chicken, like they do on behalf of Chick-fil-A, then how on earth can the cow emoji not become enemy No. 1 in the growing fight to make absolutely no sense whatsoever and destroy your nation while doing it?

Chick-fil-A is, gasp, a Christian business that has showed support for actual marriage in the past. That makes it totally not bigoted at all for a “journalist” like the woke but not always woke Soledad O’Brien to take to Twitter and question its CEO for daring to eat there during LGBTXYZ666 pride month.

Which in turn caused that CEO, the sissified Jack Dorsey, to recant his grievous mortal sin, brought on by what can only be evil cow witchcraft.

Which in turn caused the Huffington Post to move rhetorical heaven and earth at this existential crisis of our times, by calling everyone who henceforth dares to eat at Chick-fil-A a despicable cow of the most virulent sort who can’t be trusted with the keys of progressivism ever again.

It’s us versus them! Over chicken.

Which makes the answer to the question “How is my gay marriage going to impact you?” from not so long ago even more surreal than ever. If you chose “with limited access to tasty poultry” as the answer, then you are a sage and a prophet, my friend, who has won nothing but the opportunity to be hazed and/or fired along with the bakers and the florists — those fiends.

It’s a growing club. We’ve got jackets made of sackcloth and ashes.

I swear, if a peaceful alien race with absolutely no history of violence or warfare actually discovered us at the present time and attempted to befriend us, they would not only be reflexively forced into inventing weapons of mass destruction after witnessing the folly of our collective preposterousness, but totally justified in using them on us posthaste, of only to make sure such a loathsome contagion doesn’t spread into the rest of the universe.

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