From The U.S. Department of Language - Your New Politically Acceptable Holiday Greeting

To all citizens and earth species:

For far too long (Warning: Extremely offensive language immediately ahead!), Merry Christmas has been the standard greeting or saying during this winter solstice season that we are now in. This quaint old holiday greeting of yore, perpetuated by our forefathers in a certain display of patriarchy and theocratic fascism meant to enslave religious minorities, atheists and any other minorities as they were wont to do, can no longer stand in a more enlightened and progressive society.

Hey hey, ho ho, that hurtful phrase has got to go! It’s time to move forward into the 21st century.

In an effort to rid this time of year of the rigid, rhetorical imperialism of the Christian fundamentalists, previous forward and diverse thinkers adopted a less divisive and more inclusive greeting – Happy Holidays.

While we certainly applaud their effort, it still falls woefully short of the goal of a non-offensive and fully inclusive winter saying that we can all use. We of the new generation, the generation of inclusiveness, diversity and advocates of a life away from forced structured norms, feel that further changes can and should be made to the greetings we use at this time of year.

The previous generation could not have anticipated the future oppression and deep suffering that was buried with their “happy holidays” greeting, much like a ticking emotional time bomb waiting to detonate.

Note: We apologize to anyone who is offended by the bomb analogy. We meant no offense to those affected or offended by military imagery and using the tools of death of minorities to illustrate a point.

First of all, “happy” could be problematic in many ways. Happy, in some fundamentalist and patriarchal definitions, was also known as gay. To single out our homosexual fellow earth species is offensive and ostracizes them from the full inclusive community.

Perhaps, one day, this ugly connection between happy and gay will be lost to history, much like the terms “individual,” “responsibility” and “constitution” were, but until that day, we will stand up for their right not to be singled out, bothered or even upset by our hurtful usage of words.

Note: We apologize to any gays for possible offense at calling them gay or homosexual, whether present or future offense. These antiquated or future antiquated terms just underscore the need for more reform and inclusiveness.

The greeting “happy holidays” also could be interpreted as a command as if you were being ordered to be happy. Not only does that too closely represent the militaristic command structure, but it is emotional slavery. This kind of commanding greeting does not allow for the diversity of choice in emotion or personal life choice to be sullen, thoughtful, reserved, neutral or possibly emotional-questioning.

Then we get to the word “holidays.” Using this straightjacket term confines us to a forced celebration that once again reminds us all of the theocratic domination of society in which white religious celebrations took precedence and excluded those who choose an alternate lifestyle or form of celebration or even no celebration at all.

Note: We apologize for any offense the phrase “alternate lifestyle” may be causing or may cause in the future to anyone. We in no way are implying that any lifestyle is outside of the realm of normal or acceptable in today’s modern society.

Understanding the previous greetings and their pitfalls, both present and possible future ones, we have labored to come up with a proper salutation or phrase for any earth species during this time of the year that embraces the spirit of inclusion, diversity and progress toward a perfect society.

First, this verbal greeting is good for any part of the year, as this particular month or season holds no special relevance or importance in the modern enlightened society. It is a season-neutral, inclusively diverse greeting for all occasions.

Second, this isn’t only a greeting. Greeting implies that we possibly do not know each other. Such implications are that of a society revolving around separate individuals. We in a collectivist society are all part of a central group and are therefore already known by all, as knowing one is knowing all. As such, this is not necessarily a greeting, but a verbal well-wishing for fellow earth species.

Below is, for now, the most inclusively diverse and non-offensive verbal well-wishing phrase that we can share with other earth species during this equally important part of the year that captures the essence of its importance within our hearts:

“Hello.”

Note: We would offer apologies to anyone offended by the fact that “hell” is part of the greeting, but you are most likely an imperialistic, theocratic Christian and therefore do not deserve said apology. In fact, we would appreciate a written apology from you for even making us balk at using such a non-offensive and inclusive word.

Thank you earth species for your continued striving toward a more perfect society in which no thought is expressed or said that could, in any way, be hurtful, offensive, exclusionary or uncomfortable for any other member of society.

If you do hear anyone utter such painful and hurtful phrases as mentioned above – we will not repeat them here – please remind them of our goal of inclusiveness and diversity to all say the same thing. Any further violations of decency should be reported to our enforcement office immediately.

The Department of Language

U.S. Government

For other articles and writings by Darrell, please visit the Milk Crate.

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