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If Bill Nye is a 'scientist,' so am I

Dave Kotinsky / Stringer / Getty Images

It has come to my attention that anyone can call themselves a "scientist" these days. Anyone can call themselves anything these days, it seems, and the whole mass of humanity must comply. A man can call himself a woman. A woman can call herself a man. Beyonce can call herself a singer. And a guy who made soda volcanoes on television in the 90's can put himself forward as a scientific authority on all subjects. In fact, Bill Nye is apparently such a sciency scientist that he feels perfectly comfortable lecturing any news outlet who dares interview any scientist other than himself, even though he is not himself a scientist, strictly speaking. But he calls himself a scientist, and so he is. And so am I.

Bill Nye is obviously an expert in every area of science, but his primary focus seems to be on the unrelated fields of environment and sexuality. His credentials in these areas cannot be disputed. Bill Nye knows about the environment because he has, I'm told, lived in one. He knows about sex because, well, I guess we'll just have to take his word for it. The point is that Bill Nye, who became famous for showing 8-year-olds how to make static electricity by rubbing a balloon on their heads, has demonstrated a very scientific grasp of both scientific fields.

Over the weekend, Bill Nye took part in the "March For Science" -- a "moment that was made for him," says the Washington Post; a "moment that made no sense," says almost everyone else -- in order to call attention to, among other things, the fact that the polar ice caps are going to melt and completely drown New York City by the year 2015. This will happen two years ago because human beings are driving cars and flying in airplanes. It's so important to alert the public to this fact that thousands of people had to drive cars and fly airplanes to D.C. to tell us about it.

Following on the scientific heels of this scientific display, Bill Nye then scientifically debuted his new science show humbly titled, "Bill Nye Saves The World." I thought he already saved the world with his last show where he taught 5th graders about paper airplanes, but it looks like the world needed to be saved again. This time he appears to have taken a slightly different approach, though. He spends one of the first episodes shouting curmudgeonly about sex and gender, explaining very scientifically that these things exist on a spectrum, and a man who wears a dress is really a woman because he has a woman trapped magically inside of him. This is all heady, academic-type stuff, and those of you who are not scientists like Bill and myself can't be expected to comprehend it. It should be noted that many scientists are transphobes who hatefully disagree with the idea that a human being can change his biological identity just by the force of his emotions. Among the scientists who disagree with Bill Nye's view of gender is Bill Nye. But we must trust the new Bill Nye over the old Bill Nye because the new Bill Nye is, scientifically, about 40 percent more woke.

Fortunately, Bill (all of us scientists are on a first name basis) really helps to break the gender issue down by bringing a woman from a sitcom on stage to sing an ode to gender fluidity called "My Sex Junk."  As my esteemed colleague danced orgasmically in the background alongside a girl in a horse costume, the sitcom character sang about talking vaginas and "butt stuff" (yes, this really happened). Many people who are not scientists don't understand that this is how we make our scientific arguments in the science community. Last year, for example, I attended an astrophysics conference where a Harvard professor of astronomy twerked in a unicorn suit as he presented his findings about aberrations in extra-galactic nebulae.

There are some who might find something negative in the fact that Bill Nye dancing to a song about sodomy and cross dressing is what passes for science in our culture. There are some who might even watch Bill Nye's new show and then drop to their knees and pray desperately for God to send an asteroid. There are some who might feel that liberals have taken the word "science," which used to bring to mind names like Einstein and Copernicus, and turned it into a code word for Leftist fetishes and superstitions. But, scientifically speaking, these people are all racist.

Personally, I see nothing bad about any of this. I see, rather, an opportunity. I see the chance to finally be the great scientific and mathematical mind that I'd previously been prevented from becoming due to bigotry and my inability to perform long division.

Inspired by Professor Nye's science activism, I am now officially declaring my own entry into the science community. I will now list my fields of expertise, followed by a brief overview of my scientific credentials:

-Paleontology. Credentials: have viewed Jurassic Park fourteen (14) times.

-Astrophysics. Credentials: have looked at sky.

-Botany. Credentials: salad.

-Meteorology. Credentials: it's raining.

-Geology. Credentials: have experience with rocks.

-Zoology. Credentials: saw preview for Matt Damon's 2011 family drama, "We Bought A Zoo."

This is just a brief overview. I certainly am not as respected a scientific authority as Bill Nye, but with several more years of experience doing things and looking at stuff, I hope to one day climb to the pinnacles of scientific discovery and achievement that only Bill Nye has reached.

I will now log off and await the flood of honorary degrees and cable news interview requests that are sure to follow. Please proceed to refer to me by my proper title, and afford me the deference and respect due to someone of my stature. Thank you.


Doctor Professor Matt Walsh, PhD, MS, MD, DVM, DMV, ABC, MIA, FBI, CIA

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