Ted, Donald, and The Skinny Jeans Insurgency

I had a buddy who once explained to me how the “hipster” movement would destroy itself based on two of their unwritten statutes: the need to wear skinny jeans and riding single speed bicycles.

According to my friend’s theory, the hub of “hipsterism” was centered around cities like San Francisco and Seattle where the terrain was very hilly. Once a hipster rode a single speed bike around those areas for too long, their legs would naturally get bigger due to increased muscle mass and would, therefore, be unable to wear their signature skinny jeans—thus being ostracized out of the sub-culture.

Courtesy: Shutterstock

Besides the obvious humor behind his observations, there was an element of truth to what he was saying; not only as it related to hipsters but as it relates to the current state of the GOP.

The GOP has historically adhered to a set of principles that the party determined defined the core of “republicanism”—our metaphorical skinny jeans. Since the 1980’s, we looked pretty damn good in our jeans. It was a classic look with durability. Unfortunately, our leaders have been slowly outgrowing those jeans and voters have taken notice.

The Republican constituency has been sending politicians to Washington who have promised to cut away the fat, and for years, voters have watched the GOP’s skinny jeans become uncomfortably tight—in the unflattering, muffin top way.

Politicians continued to promise a balanced budget, to repeal and replace Obamacare, and to fix the immigration problem at the Southern border. What have we gotten in return? More than $19 trillion in debt, increased health care premiums, and the same border problems—exacerbated by mass emigration from the war torn/terrorism-rich Middle East.

This continued effort to ignore the constituency has not only turned off Republican support for anyone even remotely thought to represent the establishment but has motivated voters to the polls to enact change.

Super Tuesday 2016 had an 81 percent increase in voter turnout from 2012. That should be a clear indicator to the GOP establishment that voters are not happy with how fat and lazy it has become. Unfortunately, the establishment has grown deaf to the will of the people, and plans are underway to “fix” the current insurgency. But it may be too late for an 11th hour save by the establishment.

So what happens to the fat cat establishment types that no longer fit the desired mold? According to my friend’s theory, there were a few groups where they could potentially laterally transfer.

The first was the cross fit community—a place where strong, fit legs are indicative of adherence to the priority of #legday. This could be a good fit for John McCain, Lindsey Graham, and the other hawkish neocons. After all, democracy-building and cross fit have both enjoyed a surge in the last decade.

Another natural transition would be to buy a road bike and a spandex race suit and become a cyclist. This might be a good fit for both Mitch McConnell, Paul Ryan and all the other omnibus spending bill supporters. As they cycle around, conserving on fossil fuels, perhaps some of that conservation will manifest itself in their approach to future fiscal responsibility.

Then, of course, there were the former hipsters, who flee into pseudo-exile, only to reemerge after months of inactivity wearing a fresh pair of skinny jeans. This is the preferred course of action—a return to the purity of the “republicanism” we all adore and were proud to be affiliated.

The reality is, there is no easy fix for gluttony, and change is always met with opposition. Hence, voters are in the process of sending someone to Washington who is anti-establishment. An outsider who shares a mutual contempt and disgust with what the party has become.

Fortunately for the establishment, civility is something we Republicans still adhere to. The establishment shouldn’t be concerned that our cure for the gluttony is “Seven-esque” in nature. On the contrary, it’s more like a civilized discussion informing a runway model that she is now going to be the face of the plus-size collection. Establishment members, however, should not confuse our etiquette for weakness. If you don’t comply, we are more than willing to fat shame you all the way out the door.

So there you go establishment fellows. Fall in line with the insurgency, or reinvent yourselves. Try a trendy ego diet, exercise your humility, do whatever it takes and help return the Republican Party to its old self—its skinny jeans self.

Ted or Donald will be along shortly to help with the transition.

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