Squires: The key to building strong families is putting marriage before 'carriage'

I never thought the person who would spark some of the most spirited conversations about the black family would be an Indian-American tech entrepreneur and presidential candidate. But that is exactly what Vivek Ramaswamy has done during his nascent campaign to become the Republican presidential nominee in 2024.

Ramaswamy has tweeted several videos of him talking to audiences about the importance of family. At least two include him claiming that “70% of black kids don’t have a dad in the house.” Even though his main point was to extol the benefits of intact, two-parent families for all Americans, criticism of his comments came quickly.

Many people wondered why Ramaswamy made a habit of talking about black people to white audiences instead of talking to black voters directly. Others – myself included – noted that 70% of black children were born to unmarried parents, which is not the same as saying their father is not in the home. What often came next was the counterclaim that black dads are, in fact, the most involved group of fathers in America, a response that is familiar to anyone who knows this issue well.

This assertion is based on a 2013 CDC study that measured father involvement (e.g., reading, eating, playing) across ethnic groups. It also assessed how active fathers were based on whether dads lived with their children. The study found that among fathers who lived with their young (i.e., under 5) children, black dads (78%) were more likely to eat meals with their children every day than white dads (74%) or Hispanic dads (64%). Similarly high levels of involvement were found among black fathers compared to their peers with respect to bathing, reading, and playing with their children.

These findings surprised many people, especially those who are not familiar with the complexities of black family life. My old neighborhood in D.C. had all of the hallmarks of inner-city life, from elevated levels of crime to struggling public schools. But my informal estimates were that fathers were doing drop-offs and pickups at our old day care and charter school.

The CDC report reflected what I saw on a daily basis. My problem isn’t the study itself. It is how people use it primarily for the purpose of “correcting” narratives rather than understanding the real challenges facing black families.

One of those realities – that co-resident dads are much more involved than non-resident fathers – was one of the study’s major findings. For example, only 8% of all fathers in the study who lived apart from their young children ate with them every day, while 43% said they didn’t eat with their children at all and 27% said they did so once a week. Non-resident fathers across ethnic lines also seem to become less involved as their children get older. Only 3% of non-resident fathers with children ages 5-18 ate with them every day. Over 50% didn’t eat with their kids at all and 32% did so once a week.

Black fathers who didn’t live with their children were also found to be more involved than their white and Hispanic counterparts. The problem is that 44% of black children live apart from their fathers, a percentage far higher than any other group. That means that there are millions of black children who have sporadic and unpredictable contact – if any – with their dads.

We are reaping the effects of a decades-long social experiment that severed marriage from parenting. We turned what used to be a buffet into an a la carte restaurant. Marriage was the “price” adults paid for both lifelong companionship and the privilege of raising children. Now, putting “carriage before marriage” is the new norm in black America and increasing across all groups.

A man who stands before God and family to commit to one woman for the rest of his natural life is exhibiting a much higher level of commitment than one whose only connection to a woman is the child they share. This is why marriage is the greatest structural enabler of father involvement.

In 1965, children living with unmarried parents were either residing with a solo mom (88%) or a solo dad (12%). Now, cohabiting couples account for 35% of all unmarried parents. Unfortunately, those relationships are inherently unstable. Approximately two-thirds end before a couple’s child turns 12, as opposed to a quarter of marriages by the same time. And because people don’t stop having sex because a relationship ends, we also have an increase in the number of parents who have biological children with more than one person (i.e., “multi-partner fertility”), either within or outside of marriage. In the black community, where the non-marital birth rate is 70%, that translates to a significant number of people who have multiple children with partners they have never been married to.

This is an unstable approach to family formation. It is the world of child support orders and wage garnishment, neutral location drop-offs, splitting holidays, half-siblings, vetting an ex’s new boyfriends and girlfriends, and perpetual “baby mama drama.”This isn’t to say co-parenting can’t be done. It’s just that those relationships come with their own set of unique challenges.

Attempting to address father involvement apart from marriage is a mistake. Celebrating the fact that non-resident black dads were more likely (41%) than white (38%) or Hispanic (15%) to eat with their kids once a week is proof that many people seem to believe that the black family’s biggest challenge is bad press. This is why any efforts to make families stronger and more stable must include cultural practices, social norms, and policies that support marriage.

If the standard for a loving wife was based on whether a woman cooked for her husband once a week or had sex with him once a month, I highly doubt most men would be sharing studies trying to “debunk” the myth of husband neglect.

I recently shared a video on Twitter of a husband and wife dancing with an infant. The video then flashes back to shots of him supporting her while she goes through treatment for a serious illness. The video was a testament to the power of marriage vows. The duties and obligations a husband has to provide for and protect his family are not confined to bringing home a paycheck. A single dad who lives with his new girlfriend and her children is probably not going to risk his new relationship to support his child’s mother while she’s going through chemo.

The reason is simple: Co-parenting focuses the energies of adults on the needs of a shared child. Marriage does that as well, but it also accounts for the duties and obligations husbands and wives have toward one another. The pledge to uphold the marital union “in sickness and in health” is not part of any cohabitation vow I’ve ever heard.

Efforts to help fathers be more involved with their children are admirable. But if we want to improve the strength and stability of black families, it will require increasing the numbers of husbands and wives, not just cordial co-parents.