Something old, something new, something borrowed, and...something from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention? Yes, the government bureaucracy has seemingly grown so large that it is issuing a "survival guide" (their term) for weddings!
In an article seemingly better suited for a doctor's office magazine than a government release, the CDC begins:
As you gather your nearest and dearest to celebrate what should be a joyful time, Mother Nature, clashing personalities, and unexpected situations could easily thwart even the best laid plans. Being in the throes of wedding season, many of us here at CDC realized that planning for a wedding isn’t that much different from planning for a disaster. Just remember: Get a Kit, Make a Plan, and Be Informed.
Read what the government has to say about the ideal wedding kit, below:
You’ve put in a lot of work leading up to this event, so the idea of a back-up emergency kit shouldn’t be too far-fetched. The bridal kit should include extra safety pins, makeup for touchups, maybe a few sedatives. It also wouldn’t hurt to have the essentials from a home emergency kit or “go-bag” by your side. You never know when you might need to bandage up a clumsy flower girl, revive a passed out reception guest, or even evacuate. A first aid kit, bottles of water, snacks, medications, extra cash, and important documents are just a few of the more practical items to have handy. [Emphasis added]
Because there's nothing better than a drowsy (or delirious) bride, and no one in the wedding party would have extra makeup without a government official reminding them. And what happened to preparing for an emergency being crazy talk?
The CDC continues in the same "chick-lit" magazine style:
Emergencies could range from a tear in your wedding gown, tornado, health issues, monster-in-laws, or bridezilla on the loose. It’s important to be aware of the possible issues and to do your homework. Just like you know the risks of putting feuding family members in one room, you should also know to check the weather report.
You never know when Bridezilla might pop up. When dealing with an emotional bride, try to remember your loved one is probably stressed out and will soon return to her caring self after the wedding is over. Be supportive and have some bottled water from your emergency kit and a box of chocolate on hand. And remember there’s safety in numbers; divide the bride’s demands to other bridesmaids, groomsmen and family members to help ease your own stress. [Emphasis added]
The CDC has a history of preparing American citizens for the "worst." In May, they issued a report on how to prepare for a "zombie apocalypse," complete with dramatic photos.
Next time there's a debt ceiling crisis, and we're told that we have a choice between more taxes, more debt, or cutting the jobs of teachers and firefighters, perhaps it's time to consider scaling back some other miscellaneous government agencies. No offense to the CDC, but there's a strong possibility Americans can "survive" a wedding (or even a zombie apocalypse) without government assistance.
Click here for a breakdown of how the CDC will be spending its 2013 budget.