Alternate headline: "How to ensure your house gets egged this Halloween"
For Americans gifted with zero self-awareness and utterly lacking any creativity to carve a simple funny or scary face on a gutted pumpkin, the federal government is here to help this Halloween.
Left-wing enviro-nerds are going ape for the U.S. Department of Energy's downloadable pumpkin-carving patterns. DownToEarthNW.com's Paul Dillon, a Pacific Northwest uber-greenie blogger, is just super-excited:
If you haven't carved that pumpkin yet and are unsure of what to do, I've got your back. ... If you didn't know, October is National Energy Action Month, so it's a great way to show your support during Halloween. Win-win!
Oh, yeah. Win-win. Just check out how cool your front porch (more likely, your mom's front porch) could be:
Want to promote those loser curly-Q bulbs? You're covered:
Looking for some weird sort of recycling leaf/globe biomass pattern? Check.
For those wanting to promote the murder of endangered birds, the feds have a windmill image you can show off.
If solar power is your bag, baby, there's this:
Strangely, we've actually got a pro-nuclear image if you're wanting to push the nuke energy agenda (which is weird -- even though it's a clean and powerful source of energy that we should be developing, left-wing scaremongers have been standing in the way for decades).
But how are you to light such a Jack-o-lantern in order to glean the maximum mockery that is sure to come your way?
Never fear, the room-temperature-IQ feds at the Energy Department have an answer. This particular advice came from a federal nanny named Kristin Swineford, who was, at the time at least, an alleged "communication specialist" for Weatherization and Intergovernmental Programs for the DOE. Yeah, that's right, you paid her to produce this drivel that's cleverly titled "Happy Hallogreen" (see what she did there?):
It is important to remember that even for a dark holiday the sun can still play a major role. Last year, my neighbor used a solar walkway lamp, instead of a candle, in his jack-o-lantern. Not only did he avoid candle mishaps and flame outages, his pumpkin looked great and he was able to use the opportunity to educate children about solar energy, while saving a substantial amount of energy himself. This is such a simple and cheap way to make Halloween fun and eco-friendly. A solar walkway lamp can be purchased for around $3 at most hardware stores.
A couple things:
First, any kid worth his bag of candy will react to being "educate[d] ... about solar energy" on Halloween night by kicking in the home-owner's Jack-o-Lantern. I don't promote vandalism, but one might argue that you have it coming when you pull a stunt like that.
Second, according to our dear Kristin, her neighbor saved a "substantial amount of energy" with this little trick. Not only that, it was a "cheap way" to light his pumpkin and was "eco-friendly."
Wait a minute. How do you "save" energy by using an electrical product that had to be manufactured, packaged, and shipped to retail stores instead of a candle that's cheap and easy to produce and sell?
And how is it the "cheap way" to light a pumpkin? How expensive is a frigging tealight? For about the same price as one of Kristin's favorite solar walkway lamps, I can head over to Ikea and buy a bag of 100 tealights. Of course, that means spending time at Ikea around hundreds of "Kristins."
And using an electrical product (which, again, had to be manufactured, packaged and shipped) is more "eco-friendly" than a candle? I seriously doubt it.
But lack of logic aside, I'd say that if you live in a neighborhood that tolerates Jack-o-Green-Lanterns, then you probably live in a neighborhood where, if you don't have one of them, then, at best, you'll be looked on with disdain. Just wait until the pumpkin propaganda police in your hoity-toity neighborhood notice you don't have a lame, solar-powered pumpkin.
Eco-nannies are everywhere. How about this for an idea, greenies: Leave Halloween the freak alone.
The next thing you know, we'll have a government-led campaign to eliminate delicious sugary treats.