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The impeachment circus is a childish spectacle


15 things for you to do instead of wasting your time with it

Jim Lo Scalzo/EPA/Bloomberg via Getty Images

Here are some of the things that nearly all carbon-based life forms would rather talk about, watch, or take more seriously than the obvious sham — "Hearsay can be much better evidence than direct [evidence]," Democratic Rep. Mike Quigley (Ill.) said — that is this week's House impeachment hearings.

But just in case you've forgotten, this entire thing is apparently about Democrats being butt-hurt that one politician (President Trump) looked into the possibly shady dealings of another politician (former Vice President Joe Biden). Regardless of the clear constitutional prerogatives of the office of president as negotiator of foreign relations, and as carried out without ambiguity in the form of quid pro quo by others in that office before him. Yet because the two men are potentially running against each other in the future, it means acting as president magically becomes criminal.

Put more simply: I'm the rubber, you're the glue. What bounced off me, sticks to you. Oh, and you also stink. That's how dumb and childish all of this is.

So without further ado, please get on with your life by avoiding this swampiest of swamp stories and doing other fun stuff like:

  • Actually engaging in Russian Collusion.
  • Signing Colin Kaepernick to be your NFL quarterback.
  • Working the Green Room before and after drag queen story hour/sex-ed edition at the children's library.
  • Giving Megan Rapinoe a purple cream rinse while she lectures you about the curse of her whiteness.
  • Boycotting the Salvation Army because they are a bunch of totally unsexy squares like the Little Sisters of the Poor.
  • Giving Ruth Bader Ginsberg her nightly embalming fluid bath to help preserve her for all eternity.
  • Listening to Joel Osteen correct Kanye West's theology.
  • Paying respect to veterans on Veteran's Day if your name is Don Cherry.
  • Chasing down the rat at ABC/CBS news/propaganda syndicate who refused to protect a sex criminal like the rest of the hard-working journalists.
  • Committing to play a women's college sport that men in lipstick are about to take over any day now.
  • Asking Hawaii Sen. Mazie Hirono (D) to define “religion."
  • Asking Mayor Pete Buttigieg to define “Christianity."
  • Going snorkeling with Pope Francis in the Tiber to rescue the Pachamamas.
  • Running Kamala Harris' campaign.
  • Standing between Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren as you open up your wallet.

On second thought, those alternatives aren't any more noble or real than this impeachment, so as you were.

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