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Here's your daily laugh: Check out James McDice — the alcoholic America NEEDS

Here's your daily laugh: Check out James McDice — the alcoholic America NEEDS

Tired of washed up, corrupt politicians running the country into the ground? Great. Because finally, there’s a solution that all Americans can support.

His name’s James McDice, and he’s the 2024 presidential challenger that no one — not even the great Donald Trump — could have expected.

But he’s not perfect, and that’s exactly why you’ll love him.

He can relate to Americans who are down on their luck. He’s the underdog this nation needs.

Don’t believe us? Then get ready to have your minds blown.

He struggles with alcohol on a daily basis. He has also struggled with how to hide the alcohol that he drinks while he’s driving. He’s sick of those pesky laws that make it so hard to operate as a somewhat-functional alcoholic in this Orwellian world, and he’ll probably be drunk while he does away with them.

I know what you’re thinking. An alcoholic? No way.

But if you think about it, most of our politicians are probably drunk anyway. Picture Mitch McConnell, Joe Biden, or Nancy Pelosi trying to form a coherent sentence right now.

So, why not a guy who actually loves America instead?

He’s even a small business owner and has words filled with hope for Americans everywhere:

“I’ve learned from my mistakes. I got my act together, and I started my own small business selling methamphetamine to high school students, mostly the lacrosse team, who I might add, had their best season ever.”

Have no doubt about it. McDice is honest, and he has no plans to change anytime soon.

“I am a straight shooter,” he says, but adds, “sometimes I miss — like when I tried to shoot my fat neighbor’s pet ferret and hit the meaty part of her gigantic cankles instead.”

And he’s a family man.

“Sometimes, I’ll take the kiddos to their swimming lessons. And I’ll drop them in the deep end before I make my way over to that maintenance closet that runs parallel to the girls' locker room. I mean, it wasn’t me who put that hole there. But, like, if there’s a hole, you can be damn sure I’m gonna’ look through it,” McDice says proudly.

The best part about him?

“I am not Joe Biden. Like, I’m 0% Joe Biden,” he says, with an air of unmatched confidence.

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BlazeTV Staff

BlazeTV Staff

News, opinion, and entertainment for people who love the American way of life.
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