As channeled by impersonator and comedian John Di Domenico, President Donald Trump wanted to wish the Earth a happy birthday and make sure all of you know that a year’s membership to Mar-a-Lago would be a tremendous gift.
Of all the planets, Earth is the best planet, and President Trump knows his planets. He spoke out against the people who are saying that the Earth needs to be treated differently just because she is older than we are:
“Some people are treating the Earth as if she’s too old and sick and needs our help. But I have to tell you something: I think the Earth is tremendous and does not need our help. She’s got many, many good years left. And I have to say, our seniors deserve our respect and support, and they can still do many, many things.”
In recognition of Earth Day, which is sponsored this year by ExxonMobil, President Trump had an important message on how everyone should celebrate: by going for a very, very long drive and riding in style in a 1972 Mercury Monterey V-12 if possible.
“You’ll enjoy this so much; it’s like a living room with wheels. It’s really tremendous.”