Dear Oregon Labor Commissioner Brad Avakian,
Captain of the Oregon Thought Police Division, Head Appropriate Beliefs Enforcer, Lord Chancellor of Acceptable Opinions, Minister of Tolerance, greetings and salutations.
I’ve been closely following the case of Aaron and Melissa Klein, the depraved fugitive cowards who committed the capital offense of WPH (Withholding Pastries from Homosexuals), and have been attempting to evade justice ever since.
As you know, it all started when a lesbian couple came to their bakery, Sweet Cakes by Melissa, back in 2013 looking for a wedding cake. They’d been served by Sweet Cakes many times before, but only ran into a problem on this one occasion. Apparently, the Kleins are Christians. Not just any Christians, but that peculiar type who actually believe in, and try to follow, the moral commandments of their religion. How dare they?
Their faith, I’m told, explicitly condemns the homosexual act as sinful, and even more explicitly defines marriage as a covenant between man and woman. This is the kind of radical, rebellious idea that could only be held by the most insane sorts of people. Naturally, the vast majority of human beings currently living on the planet, and almost everyone who ever lived anywhere on the planet prior to the 2000s, are and were insane. For thousands of years, the world was populated by maniacs who didn’t understand the truth of marriage until modern American liberals came along to explain it to them.
In any case, the owners declined to make the cake because it would constitute indirect participation in the celebration of a gay marriage, which they consider an abominable sin. According to Google, there are dozens of other bakeries and grocery stores within a few miles of what was once Sweet Cakes Bakery. The homosexual women could have gone to any of those other locations and been served without a problem. Aaron and Melissa were not universally depriving them of a cake, they were just depriving them of a cake baked by Aaron and Melissa. Did the women have a God given right to a cake baked by Aaron and Melissa? Yes. Obviously.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and Baked Goods From Aaron and Melissa Klein in Gresham, Oregon.” — The Declaration of Independence, 1776
Despite suffering such a severe persecution, the lesbians did manage to recover from their injuries enough to procure a cake from somewhere else and have their wedding anyway. But, thankfully, they first made sure to contact the government and alert the public about the oppression they’d just experienced, thus all but destroying Aaron and Melissa’s worthless, bigoted, cake-denying lives. Soon, the Kleins were facing legal repercussions and protests from angry liberals. It wasn’t long before they had to shut down their brick and mortar location. All of the hard work and sacrifice it required to open and operate their own store was summarily thrown to the side because two lesbians were offended. This is called proportional justice.
As the head of the Oregon Bureau of Labor and Industries, you were judge and jury on the case. They still haven’t had their day in an actual court, but that didn’t stop you from announcing a verdict this past week, declaring the couple has to shell out $135,000. If they don’t pay up, they could face a lien on their home. In your infinite compassion, you decided not to send them straight to the guillotine for their offenses, as they no doubt deserve, electing only to bankrupt them and threaten them with homelessness. Your mercy knows no bounds.
Some in the conservative sphere have impugned your integrity, claiming your decision couldn’t possibly be impartial when you have taken such great pains to advertise your partiality. Indeed, shortly before you handed down this declaration of guilt, you squealed with delight on Twitter about the recent “victory for marriage equality” at the Supreme Court, and made sure to wish everyone a “happy Pride weekend.” Like the Bible makes its position on homosexuality clear, you made your own just as plain. And then you went and fined a Christian couple $135,000 for disagreeing with you.
Ah, but this is America, where expressly partisan bureaucrats can decide whether business owners get to utilize their First Amendment rights. Certainly someone has to control the beliefs and thoughts of the masses, and who better than hyper-biased politicians?
And what if the politicians weren’t there to control the exercise of speech and religion? I can scarcely imagine the death and destruction that would occur. I mean, for goodness sake, this discrimination almost killed the poor lesbians. As the Daily Signal reports, the women have since suffered from “acute loss of confidence,” “doubt,” and “excessive sleep.” Moreover, they “felt mentally raped, dirty and shameful,” and have experienced “high blood pressure,” “impaired digestion,” “loss of appetite,” “migraine headaches,” “resumption of smoking habit,”and “shock,.” And to make matters worse, they are still “stunned,” and plagued by “surprise,” “uncertainty,” “weight gain” and “worry.”
I can only assume that Aaron and Melissa must bake one hell of a good cake if being denied access to it can be considered legally analogous to “rape.”
But it’s perhaps because of this emotional and physical damage — surely, the “resumption of their smoking habit” can be nobody’s fault but two bakers they briefly encountered two years ago — that they have been barred not only from running their business according to their beliefs, but even from saying they’ll run their business according to their beliefs. Liberals have made sure to explain why this doesn’t constitute a gag order, and they’re right. It’s more of a “here are some statements the government doesn’t like so you’re not allowed to say anymore” order, which is totally not the same thing at all.
In your decree, you insist that this case is “not about a wedding cake or a marriage.” An important stipulation, considering that, to the naked eye, the whole case would appear to be precisely about a wedding cake and a marriage. To the untrained observer, this is as much about a wedding cake as “Jaws” is about a shark and “Animal Farm” is a dystopian allegory about the Oregon state government.
Sometimes, though, things aren’t always as they appear.
It’s important, as you and other liberals have repeatedly done, to reinforce the notion that Melissa and Aaron refused to make the cake because of the lesbian couple’s sexual exploits, and not because it was a cake for a gay wedding. Sure, the women themselves admit they were served at this location prior to this incident — indicating they weren’t turned away simply due to their sexual orientation — but we can’t let the public focus on that detail.
We must speak about this case as if the Kleins required customers to fill out questionnaires about their fetishes and sexual urges before placing their pastry orders. We must equate their specific objection to serving a gay wedding with them hanging a sign on the door saying “no gays allowed.” We must give people an impression of this situation that isn’t strictly speaking “accurate,” but will lead them to the correct, state-sanctioned conclusion, which is far more important, and far safer, than the truth.
And let’s continue to compare the Kleins to racist business owners who turn away black customers. A majority of black Americans are opposed to gay marriage, but let’s exploit their plight and the plight of their ancestors to push an agenda they mostly oppose. That’s not racist or anything.
Now, admittedly, there are some who would argue that gay marriage is an activity, something you do, whereas your race is what you are. These homophobic terrorists would say that the act of celebrating a gay wedding is just that — an act. An act with a moral component to it; an act which most of the world, and a vast, enormous, overwhelming assembly of all humans who have ever lived, would and did and do find sinful. These anti-gay anarchists would claim that one might object to this act, and therefore object to being directly or indirectly involved in it, without objecting to the existence of the people participating in the act.
That’s what the homophobes might argue. And they’re wrong because … well, just because.
Anyway, all I can say is thank God for liberalism. Thank God for men like you, Oh Supreme Judge of Proper Religious Expression. And thank God for liberals across the land who have meted out punishments to photographers, t-shirt makers, florists, owners of wedding venues, and other Americans who have attempted to tyrannically operate their businesses by the tenets of their faith. Thank God liberalism is here to protect us from these insidious, bigoted, hateful apes. And I say that with love, of course.
What would we do without you? I wake up some nights in cold sweats panicked by nightmares of the chaos that would surely ensue if liberal bureaucrats weren’t around to defrock, castigate, and discipline Christians who dare to be Christian anywhere outside of church.
In fact, early this morning I bolted out of bed screaming. My wife sat up, concerned, asking what was wrong. I told her I just had a dream that a gay couple in Oregon was refused a wedding cake, forced to go to literally one other place to procure one, and yet the Oregon Bureau of Labor and Industries wasn’t there to ensure they were compensated with a six figure settlement for their troubles. My wife patted my head, gave me a glass of water, and assured me that everything is OK.
“The Oregon Bureau of Labor and Industries is still there, and it will protect the people of Oregon, and indeed the people of America, from beliefs that are mean and different and make our tummies hurt. Go back to sleep, honey. You’re safe.”
Still, I can’t shake the unsettled feeling. I can’t help but wonder what the country would look like if business owners could make choices about who they associate with, and customers could also make choices, and everyone could choose to live by their own moral convictions. I can’t stop myself from imagining what would become of this country if homosexuals weren’t afforded special protections and entitlements. I don’t want to contemplate such horrors, but still in terror I wonder: What if the government was more focused on governing than on repairing the damaged emotions of America’s perpetually offended population?
What if? What if such gruesome chaos ever befell our peaceful land?
What if I didn’t have liberal bureaucrats around to hold me close to their bosom and shield me from scary opinions? What if liberalism didn’t have a vice grip on the government, the media, and the culture? What if America valued rights, liberty, and open discourse instead of conformity and political correctness? What if Christians were allowed to be Christian? What if we took the First Amendment literally? What if business owners didn’t forfeit the entire Bill of Rights? What if the free market actually existed?
I can’t bear the thought.
As many liberals have pointed out, if bakeries and photographers were allowed to go around, all willy-nilly, deciding who they do business with, homosexuals would surely perish en masse. They would all starve to death, because gay people apparently only eat cake, and only at weddings.
So thank you for the work you’re doing. And I have no doubt that, far from liberalism losing its suffocating stranglehold on our culture, this current trajectory will only continue. It must. After all, Christians should obviously not be permitted to be Christian outside of church, but what about inside? Why should we afford them even that generous accommodation? If all gay people are cosmically entitled to have their lifestyle recognized and endorsed by all people everywhere, no matter what, why should churches get off the hook? Disagreeing with gay marriage is akin to slavery, isn’t it? And churches can’t have slaves, can they?
Clearly, there is much work left to be done.
Eventually, all challenging beliefs and opinions must be eradicated and criminalized. Only then will we be safe.
Until then, march on, Comrade.
Another fragile and submissive serf.
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