Ding dong the witch is dead.
I woke up humming that little ditty for some reason. Leftists, on the other hand, appear to have gotten no sleep at all. They've been wide awake since last night rending their garments and screaming that Literally Hitler was just elected. He's not a legitimate president, they say. Racism and sexism and Islamophobia have won! The planet is doomed! This is a national day of mourning! Woe is me! It's the new 9-11! The streets are flooding with the tears of pop stars! Quick, Stockpile birth control before he comes and steals it! The walls are closing in! It's getting so dark! Dear God, what is happening? Why me, why me? The end is nigh! I'm so cold, so alone, so scared! Everyone panic!
I'm a Christian man so I should not find the pain and suffering of my fellow citizens so delightful, but I admit that I cannot help myself. God forgive me. Perhaps if they'd run someone halfway decent and at least partially law-abiding against Donald Trump, I'd have a bit more sympathy. But they didn't. They nominated Hillary Clinton, the worst presidential candidate in the history of the United States. And so they lost. And, I must admit, I find it immensely satisfying. Even more satisfying when I remember that some of the most irritating celebrities in Hollywood have pledged to flee to Canada if Trump wins. Well, Amy Schumer, time to start packing. I hear Saskatchewan is lovely in the winter (don't forget to bring a coat).
But rather than sit here and gloat over the end of the Clinton Dynasty (assuming the Democrats don't give Chelsea a try in 2020 -- and I certainly wouldn't put it past them), I'd like to be more productive. Leftists, I'm going to try and help you sort through things and make sense of what just occurred. You feel quite sure that Trump's election was the result of sexism, racism, ethnocentrism, and all of the other -isms, along with Islamophobia, homophobia, xenophobia, arachnophobia, and all of the other phobias, but as comfortable as that delusion might be, it will only make your situation worse if you indulge it.
Your loss, in fact, had nothing to do with -isms and phobias and everything to do with the following three factors:
1. You nominated a corrupt, deceitful, detestable crook who was the subject of at least two active FBI investigations.
This, it turns out, was not the most effective strategy. It seems that the American people are rather hesitant to elect a woman who both looks and acts like the shadowy dictator in every dystopian young adult novel ever written. When given a choice between a character from reality TV or the villain from the Hunger Games, the American people chose the former. Rather than lecture them over it, perhaps you should look deep within your hearts and figure out why you put the fate of your party in the hands of President Snow.
You should have risen up and purged the Clinton disease from your system years ago, leftists. You can say that Republican voters have really rolled the dice on one Hell of a wildcard here, but at least they've demonstrated, yet again, that they have very little tolerance for leaders who fail them. That's why you always hear about the "infighting" and various "civil wars" happening within the GOP, and why you will continue to hear about them, because we on the right do not play Follow The Leader very well. We are very skeptical of our political representatives -- and I will be encouraging conservatives to remain vigilant and skeptical -- and, yes, that skepticism creates tension and a bit of chaos, but at least we don't end up with an actual crime family hijacking our movement for 30 years.
Hillary Clinton is truly terrible. You couldn't see it because your tribal mentality tells you that any criticism of your leaders must be the result of bigotry towards whatever demographic they belong to. But it had nothing to do with her demographics. Nothing to do with her chromosomes or her genitalia. Stop being ridiculous, leftists. Do you really think conservatives hate women? Half of us are women, you fools.
You don't have to hate all women in order to despise the worst woman to ever emerge on the American political scene. And she is the worst, I'm afraid to say. Everybody can see it but you. And I think maybe you can actually see it. That's why you didn't turn out for her the way the pollsters thought you would. The way you thought you would. Because she's awful and she deserved to lose. And so she did lose. It's really as simple as that.
2. White working class Americans are tired of being scolded and lectured.
In recent years you've fully embraced the mantra that all white people are inherently racist. It became such a mainstream leftist idea that even Hillary Clinton publicly professed it. Well, it turns out that white people don't like being called racists every second of the day. It seems that guilt, shame, and self-loathing are not the best ways to generate electoral turnout. Evidently, "Repent, you bigots!" is not the most effective rallying cry.
On a related note, it's not true that all white people are racist. Of course it isn't true. Again: stop being ridiculous. You can't take some random sin or vice and assign it to an entire group of people based solely on their skin color. In fact, do you know what it's called when you accuse everyone in a certain racial group of possessing some negative characteristic? Racism, by definition.
In similar fashion, straight white men, specifically, are tired of being called sexist just because we're men. And we're tired of being called homophobic just because we're straight. And we're tired of being told about our supposed "privilege," especially by metropolitan liberals and smarmy college kids. You should take note of the fact that Trump is now the president-elect because he won in places like Pennsylvania, Ohio, Wisconsin, and Michigan. If you've ever been to the small rural counties in those states (and you probably haven't, which is part of the problem), you may notice a startling lack of this alleged privilege. These are blue collar folks who work for a living and have very little, if anything, leftover after all the bills are paid. And when a truck driver or construction worker from north east Pennsylvania hears some bratty, self-righteous college girl inform him of his "privilege," he tends to roll his eyes and ignore everything else she says.
"You're a privileged, racist neanderthal. Now here's who you should vote for..."
He didn't hear that second sentence. He heard the first part and tuned the rest out, justifiably so. Most of you know nothing of the lives of these "privileged" and "racist" folks in small town America, and until you get a clue, you're destined to keep losing.
3. Your policies don't work.
Most of your policies have proven disastrous, but let's just focus on the big one for right now: Obamacare. It's collapsing. We told you it would collapse. We told you it wouldn't work. It can't work. You didn't listen, and now you're suffering because of it. We're all suffering because of it.
People across the country are in a true state of panic because their premiums are skyrocketing. Health care has never been cheap, but for a lot of people it's worse now than it's ever been. It's no use trying to tell them why it's actually good that they can no longer afford health insurance for themselves and their families. You can write all the Vox explainers you want, but the average American only has to make one calculation: "I could afford health insurance before Obamacare. Now I can't." All the blog posts in the world won't make that fact more palatable. Failure can't be made to look like success when the failure is being felt by real people.
"I know I just shot you in the leg, but please read this article on the Huffington Post which explains why the gaping, bloody wound in your shin doesn't actually hurt." That's a tough case to make, leftists. Maybe, if you're clever enough and you're talking to someone who is gullible enough, you can convince him that a gunshot wound won't hurt. But once you've pulled the trigger the jig is up. The secret's out. Your explanations and rationalizations are now officially worthless.
I think part of your problem is that the liberal coalition consists largely -- not entirely, but largely -- of people who don't really understand what it means to work for a living and pay their own way and feel the pain of the average, middle class American. You've got the elite metropolitan liberals who have enough money that they don't have to worry much about these things. You've got the college liberals and millennial liberals who have spent all or most of their adult life in school, often depending on the charity of their parents. And you've got a lot of Democrat voters in the cities who live relatively close to the elite metropolitan liberals, but under much harsher conditions, and often depend completely or mostly on government programs.
Where is your coalition of people who work 9-5, are not wealthy, but do not depend on government handouts? You need those voices in your ranks to talk some sense into you. But all you've done is push them away and scream invective at them. And now they're gone.
And that's why you lost, leftists.
It's your fault. It's on you. Own it now, or continue your march into irrelevancy. The choice is yours.