Once upon a time there lived a woman called Hillary, who wanted to be the Queen of her country because it was, after all, her turn.
For eight long years, Hillary had played the role of dutiful First Lady while her husband, Bill, enjoyed his stint as Commander Philander. She kept herself busy, busy, busy as she:
Cultivated hem kissers,
Trained media lapdogs,
Commanded the Bimbo Patrol,
Compiled the Clinton Enemies List,
Snooped on foreign allies,
Birthed and buried Hillary-care,
Endured “Monica Mania.”
At the end of Bill’s term, Hillary (who wasn’t getting any younger) was about to be cast out of the limelight.
Illustration courtesy of author.
In order to stay in the public eye while the Bush dynasty played itself out, Hillary packed her suitcase and sang:
Carpet bagging sets up opportuni-ty
for me to run for the Presiden-cy,
and ensure my place in histo-ry.
Hillary relocated to New York and became a junior Senator. She kept herself busy, busy, busy with her usual activities (see above). Finally, when the 2008 election cycle approached, she declared, “Now it’s my turn (and I’m not getting any younger.)” She sang:
My election is lookin’ good you see.
First woman to win the Presiden-cy,
Hip! Hip! Hippy! Hooray for me!
But, alas and alack. From behind the Bushes emerged the “chosen one,” overloaded with charisma, teleprompters, and a wife who’d just become proud of her country for the first time. He wrangled the presidency away from Hillary who lamented:
What now will my future be?
In eight years I’ll be too old for the Presiden-cy.
Am I destined for political obscure-ty?
Poor, poor pitiful me.
But then, in an amazing twist of fate, Hillary was appointed to become Secretary of State. “Hip! Hip! Hippy! Hooray!” she exclaimed. “I’ll travel the globe for photo ops with world leaders, deliver ineffective speeches, rack up a million frequent flier miles, and hope no one notices that I’m not getting any younger.”
As she flitted from country to country, Hillary decided to write her memoirs to chronicle her multiple accomplishments before she forgot what they were. “Uh-oh!” Big problem. She actually hadn’t achieved much of anything. Would anyone care about her life as a political parasite, grasping onto her husband’s coattails? Did it make a difference that, as Princess Pantsuit, she had become a fashion icon for pear-shaped, older women?
Illustration courtesy of author.
Uh-oh! It quickly became apparent Hillary had zip, zero, nada accomplishments. She had failed at everything she touched. However, following the example of her boss, “don’t-blame-me-Barack,” Hillary decided to reframe her lack of success.
- The Truth: Under Hillary’s watch, $1 billion taxpayer dollars in aid and bribes were given to North Korea. Hillary hap, hap, happily announced the little crazy dictator with spikey hair had suspending his nuclear program. Really, truly? Then, KABOOM! North Korea tested their first nuke. Woozer! Who could have seen that coming?
- Reframed Accomplishment: North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Un, hasn’t nuked South Korea, Japan, Hawaii, or Starbucks in Seattle . . . yet.
- The Truth: Hillary and her doofus negotiators shifted their failure-prone efforts to Iran. They threatened terrible, horrible, awful boycotts if Iran insisted on joining the nuclear club. The talks dragged on and on and accomplished nothing (other than giving Iran time to further develop their nuclear program.)
- Reframed Accomplishment: Iran hasn’t quite become nuclear and therefore, has not obliterated Israel . . . yet.
- The Truth: Hillary’s “lead from behind” bombing strategy to halt civilian persecution cost America $600 million taxpayer dollars, ended Gaddafi’s dictatorship, and fractured Libya into dozens of warring tribal states
- Reframed Accomplishment: Under Hillary’s watch, civilian persecution halted for thousands of Libyan citizens (who were killed during the bombing). The country now is being unified by . . . al Qaeda, although the terrorists haven’t totally taken over . . . yet.
- The Truth: Hillary ignored protection requests for the Benghazi Embassy before and during the Sept. 11, 2001 commemorative attack that killed four brave Americans. That night, 400 surface-to-air missiles disappeared, POOF, from an ammo supply facility.
- Reframed Accomplishment: Hillary double-pinky promised the Benghazi perpetrators would be revealed and punished. Then she tripped and fell on her head which caused temporary amnesia. “What attack? Ben who?” (Rest assured she will regain full memory and explain her involvement on the exact summer day when Hel . . . sinki freezes over.) What about the missiles? Although Hillary forgot to dispatch CIA bloodhounds to locate 400 stolen missiles, they haven’t been used against American military and/or civilian airplanes . . . yet.
Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. (Getty Images)
- The Truth: Hillary’s “reset” of relationships with Russia elevated President Putin to become Mighty Mouse, the number one power player in Europe, the Mid-East, and Northern Africa. The promise (made by Bush) to construct a missile defense system in Poland, evaporated in the mists of her declining memory.
- Reframed Accomplishment: Preoccupied with gobbling up the Ukraine and searching for his missing shirt, President Putin hasn’t attacked Poland . . . yet.
- The Truth: During Hillary’s watch, Syrian dictator Assaud and his mixed bag of military/terrorists subjected his own citizens to “civilian persecution” and slaughtered 100,000 plus of them in a non-stop civil war.
- Reframed Accomplishment: Assaud didn’t cross Obama’s “red line” and use chemical weapons until after Hillary resigned. However, he continues to hide 80 percent of his chemical weapon stockpile, amassed during Hillary’s watch. But, so far so good. They haven’t been used again . . . yet.
- The Truth: Hillary danced with the Muslim Brotherhood wolves in Washington (and around the world) in celebration of the election of Morsi, their “chosen one.” When a military coup imprisoned Morsi and banished the Brotherhood, Hillary yap, yap, yapped about withholding weapons and dollar$. Ho hum. Didn’t happen.
U. S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, left, and Egyptian President Mohammed Morsi laugh during a photo opportunity at their meeting at the Presidential palace in Cairo, Egypt, Saturday, July 14, 2012. (AP Photo/Maya Alleruzzo)
- Reframed Accomplishment: The Muslim Brotherhood have more-or-less moved away from the cities and into the territory that surrounds the Suez canal. But, they haven’t seized control of this vital passageway for mid-east oil . . . yet.
- The Truth: Hillary suffered a brain freeze and forgot Israel was America’s closest ally in the mid-east. She threw her considerable weight in favor of Palestine to shove Israel under the bus. This motivated Israel to form an alliance with a former enemy, Saudi Arabia, to fight against al Qaeda and the Iranian terrorists who flood into Syria.
- Reframed Accomplishment: Armed to the teeth and determined to protect their country, Israel hasn’t nuked Iran’s bomb producing facilities . . . yet.
- The Truth: Despite China’s growing threats against America’s currency, trade, and security, when asked about Red China, Hillary responded, “It looks lovely on a green tablecloth.” Whoopsie! Must be that memory issue again.
- Reframed Accomplishment: Despite superior ability to hack, track, and steal information, the Chinese have not launched a full scale cyber attack against America . . . yet.
Iraq and Afghanistan
- The Truth: Hillary’s inept State Department negotiators failed to create an agreement that would have left American warriors behind to protect Iraq’s fledgling democracy. As a result the country has become overrun by Iranian terrorists and falls back into chaos.
- More Truth: Under Hillary’s watch, Afghanistan, despite millions of bribery dollars, continues to fall under growing Taliban control.
- Even More Truth: The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have taken the lives of 5,800 brave warriors (moms, dads, sons, and daughters) at a cost of over $1.2 trillion taxpayer dollars.
- Reframed Accomplishment: When questioned about these massive failures that happened during her watch, Hillary sticks to her trademark response: “Oh what difference, at this point, does it make?”
But, alas and alack, even with the tweaking, Hillary’s memoir was not going to happen. Nothing could mask the truth about her: self-centered, vicious, lacking in leadership qualities and accomplishments, Hillary had the potential to become even more of a failed president than the current one.
Then, voila! A change of plans. Hillary sang:
When Fox reporters question me
about how I qualify for the presiden-cy?
I’ll divert talks to Ben-ghaz-ie,
then become weep, weep, weep-ie
and blame the right wing conspira-cy.
Ignoring China, Russia, and Iraqu-i
will keep me on track for the presiden-cy,
Hip, Hippy Hooray for the Queen to be!
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