I Wish The President Had Talked About Sour Gummies

Last night President Obama failed to mention a grave threat to the tooth enamel of America's children: Sour gummies.

Part of me was really hoping that during his speech he would point to my son sitting in the gallery and tell America, "Here's a very young little boy who has eight cavities and needs three root canals and a freakin' extraction."

Because of sour gummies.

I'm not kidding. After conferring with two dentists, it turns out that my son's passion for sour gummies is going to cost me an absolute fortune. Why? Because on the pH scale, the sour part of all sour candy is on par with battery acid. The stuff obliterates a child's teeth. It is to tooth enamel what Charlie Sheen is to a hotel room.

And the gummy part of sour gummies? That helps the acid adhere to your child's teeth. Like Semtex.

President Obama had a chance to warn Americans to stay away from sour gummies, but he did not. It was all about education and economy and America and stuff. I was hoping for straight talk about sour gummies for a change.

Speaking of change - I'm thinking the Tooth Fairy gives 25¢ and leaves a note blaming the economy.