Progressive Comedian: Romney's Totally Pretending to be a 'Homophobe' Just so Those Conservative Bigots Will Vote for Him

During a segment on Current TV's "Viewpoint With Eliot [Client #9] Spitzer,” comedian John Fugelsang [who? Yeah, we don't know either] accused former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney of pandering to conservative bigots by pretending to be a "homophobe."

Fugelsang began with a fusillade of one-liners directed at former Vice President Dick Cheney:

Last week, Mary Cheney married her longtime partner Heather Poe in a same-sex wedding in Washington, D.C. Now, Mary, as y’all know, is the daughter of former Vice President Dick Cheney, or as the Secret Service used to call him in the White House, "Geppetto."

The Cheney family was undertandably [sic] delighted that Mary could finally legally marry the person she loved, right here in America. So on behalf of all the progressives in America, Cheney family, allow me to say, “You’re welcome.”

The comedian went on to introduce his audience to his brilliant new theory: Romney is a fake "homophobe."

“See, this could be a good time to remind the Cheney family that their party is about to run a candidate for president who is on the record supporting a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage,” said Fugelsang.

"Why would they support a homophobe for president?" he asked. "Because Mitt Romney’s not really a homophobe."

No! Do go on!

“See, back in ’94 he told the Log Cabin Republicans he’d do whatever he could to bring about full equality for gays and lesbians. Then he came out against civil unions. Then he came out for them. Then he came out against them. And I love it when the anti-gay guys dig having it both ways,” he said.

The plot thickens:

But in light of his previous compassionate stances, one can only conclude that Gov. Romney isn’t a homophobe — he just can’t risk losing the homophobic vote.

And a calculating non-bigot who profits from bigotry — I think — is just a little bit worse than an actual ignorant bigot.

But in fairness, at least Dick Cheney himself was ahead of the curve. He was in favor of letting gays serve in the military long before President Obama -- while doing nothing about it. He was also pro-gay marriage long before President Obama -- again, while doing nothing about it.

So at least Mary Cheney’s dad is proof of something no GOP president can ever admit -- evolution is possible.

We’re not sure which point is worthier of our derision: Fugelsang's "fake homophobe" theory or the fact that he seems only now to have discovered that Romney has a history of changing his stance -- oops! -- “evolving” on certain issues.