Glenn Beck has been plagued by health issues for years, many of which, he revealed on his radio program Thursday, have flummoxed his team of doctors.
Beck recently decided to go to the Carrick Brain Center in Texas in the hope they could provide some answers. Little did he know the news they would give him would require a major lifestyle change.
"So they ran all these tests, and they meet with me yesterday," Beck began. "And they said, 'Well, basically, you are being poisoned.'"
Beck's previous doctors had said the same thing, but his team was unable to determine who or what was poisoning the multimedia personality. Beck jokingly suggested it was billionaire progressive George Soros.
But the Carrick Brain Center said it is actually the food itself that is "poisoning" Beck.
"And it's a long complex thing," Beck said. "I have to change my diet entirely. It is this bizarre string of events that have brought me to this place to where my body is actually, like, eating itself."
Beck said his immune system is treating certain foods -- foods that many others can eat with no problems -- as toxins, triggering extreme inflammation and pain. A fan of ice cream and processed food, he grimaced and asked the doctors if he would have to go gluten free as part of the change.
"And they went, 'Yeah, gluten-free would be a good place to start...'" Beck said grimly.
Beck proceeded to read a list of some of the products he can no longer eat:
"Any kind of sugar, including agave, candy, chocolate, corn syrup, honey, maple syrup, molasses or sucrose ... Dried fruits ... Grains, including amaranth, barley, buckwheat, bulgur, corn, couscous, comet, millet, oats, rye, rice, spelt, wheat ... All nuts and seeds ... Cold cuts, condiments, emulsifiers, fillers, chewing gum ... All dairy products and eggs, including butter, cheeses, cow's milk, creams, any frozen dessert, goat milk, margarine, mayonnaise ... All beans and legumes ... Tomatoes, tomato sauce, all canned foods, coffee, and processed foods."
"I'm definitely selling my Kraft stock," Beck's co-host Stu Burguiere joked. Pat Gray added: "So what can you eat? Kale?"
Beck, still reeling from the lengthy list, responded: "I just don't know how to do it. I just really don't know how to do it."
He proceeded to put out a call for a "really creative" chef who heard the list and knows they can still make "fantastic" meals with the foods that remain.
"You'll be traveling the world with me," Beck said, continuing to advertise the position. "You get to be by my side all the time. Figure the fun you're gonna have! Because I'm gonna like you a lot. Slop master."
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This post has been updated