2020 has been a rough year already. We're aging in dog years now. We've already been through an impeachment, the worst pandemic in a century, the worst economic recession since the Great Depression, and now we're unmasking perhaps the greatest political scandal in American history. And it's not even June.
We need healing as a country. As I'm told, frequently, we're all in this together. To that end, we need something to rally the nation as one people once more, and this is how we're going to do it — one troll to rule them all.
Donald Trump is more than just a president. He's America's troll-in-chief. From "low energy Jeb" to "fake news" and "lock her up," he masterfully used the quick-draw capability of social media to brand his political opponents all the way to the White House. Which is why I must confess to being surprised he has yet to realize he's sitting on the greatest troll of all time. The troll of trolls. The greatest troll ever trolled.
President Trump should pardon Barack Obama for "ObamaGate."
Just think of President Trump standing up at one of his rallies, maybe even holding it in Obama's home state of Illinois, and announcing the following on national television in front of one of his adoring crowds:
This country has been through Hell this year fighting the invisible enemy, coronavirus. But we're coming back, and coming back strong. This will be one of the great American comeback stories, except there's one thing we still desperately need right now. We need less division and more unity in our country. We all suffered together, and we can only come back together.
And I think as your president, it's my place to make the first move.
That's why tonight, in front of all of you and the nation, I will be taking the extraordinary step of signing a full presidential pardon for my predecessor, Barack Hussein Obama. Because the last thing this country needs right now is another investigation and distraction. We've had enough of those the past few years. Trust me, I know that better than anyone else. It's time to get back to Making America Great Again.
We have to confront China for what they did to the world, restore the greatest economy in history, and then save this country from Sleepy Joe Biden's dementia-riddled mind. If people wanted to go back to the Obama years, they would've elected Hillary in 2016. We all want to move on, and get back to where we were before the coronavirus.
But we can't do that if we keep looking back. So as Obama himself once said — Forward!
I know Barack Obama orchestrated the greatest political scandal in American history. I know that he unleashed illegal surveillance of an opposing presidential campaign. I know that he permitted the FBI and deep state to target and entrap innocent people like Gen. Flynn, one of our military heroes. I know these things, because I was the target of "ObamaGate."
But it wasn't just me, as much as all of you that are here tonight. You dared to take your country back from the deep state and bureaucrats who think they're better than you, so they committed a series of high crimes and misdemeanors to steal the election you won, in collusion with enemy media. Some of whom are here tonight. They accused me of collusion for four years, when they were the ones colluding. The only collusion was the deep state with enemy media.
We already wasted too much of my first term you gave me fighting back against their clumsy coup attempts. I don't want to waste the second term you'll give me in November doing it all over again. That's why now, tonight, is finally the time to put this all behind us. And for Joe Biden and I to share our contrasting visions for the future, if Sleepy Joe can even remember what his is.
To that end, I now sign this full pardon of Barack Obama. Though he deserves to be locked up right next to Hillary, we don't need any more FISA warrants, Fake News leaks, and corrupt FBI officials distracting us from Keeping America Great on CNN.
(Trump signs the pardon)
And with that, I wish Barack Obama well, and congratulate him on his new $12 million home in the Hamptons. Of course, mine's bigger, but I still want you and your lovely bride free to enjoy all the riches you apparently acquired all those years struggling in public service.