The 5 things I don’t understand

Let's get this out of the way from the jump: The headline here is totally Fake News, because if you know me at all, then you know there's a lot more than just five things I don't understand. In fact, it's been said by some very smart people that I have a very bad brain and don't really understand much of anything.

And that's exactly why working in the media is perfect for me!

Still, there are five current conundrums making my head hurt more than any others. I'm sure it's totally my fault why I just don't get it in these cases. Thus, I'm hoping that by transparently sharing my inadequacies, I might find someone out there who can help me come to humble clarity.

5) Tariffs are good for jobs and trade wars are easy to win.

President Trump has been assuring us of this truth since he was Candidate Trump. And since he's a billionaire and I'm not, I have to assume he knows more about basic economics than a beauty school dropout like me. And yet, while in line at the grocery store in Iowa where I live, I'm listening to consumers complaining about how much more expensive their eggs suddenly are. Furthermore, U.S. Senator Joni Ernst from my state claims that Trump's tariffs are "hurting farmers."

Well, isn't farming a job? Therefore, isn't an American farmer an American with a job? So how could the Trump tariffs be hurting these American jobs, when the president assured us they exact opposite would be the case? And if trade wars are easy to win, as the president claims, how long does it take to win them? I'm not tired of all the winning yet, so I can't wait to win this, too.

4) North Korea is self-identifying as peaceful now.

I know we live in an era when a dude with a penis can declare he has a uterus, but shouldn't we be at least a little skeptical of North Korea's claims to be mothballing its nuclear program? Have we received some sort of independent verification of this stroke of luck? I know this could be my heteronormative white privilege talking (which I'm actively trying to check, I assure you), but doesn't North Korea have a bit of a well-earned reputation for being a tad sketch?

3) Democrats are trying to protect election integrity now.

Longtime Democrat Party operative Donna Brazile just wrote a column that claims "if Trump won't protect elections [Democrats] will." I'm all for protecting the integrity of our elections as well, which is I'm confused why Democrats oppose requiring the same identity verification to vote that it takes to buy Sudafed over the counter. I know Democrats respond to that charge with "you have a right to vote, not to Sudafed." But aren't these the same people who claim health care is a right? Then why wouldn't I have a right to medicine like Sudafed? And if I do have a right, why do Democrats approve of requiring photo ID to purchase it? Or if health care is my right, why do I have to purchase the Sudafed at all? Finally, if Democrats think requiring identity verification is discriminatory, why do they require photo ID to attend their own party's national convention?

2) Neil Gorsuch was defending the rule of law by voting with the lawless leftists on the U.S. Supreme Court.

I saw this mantra repeated frequently by conservative media, which on the surface seemed a little counter-intuitive to me. I mean, Clarence Thomas is probably the most conservative justice of his generation, so you'd think he'd tend to side with the rule of law, and he voted opposite Gorsuch. But what do I know? I got my law degree from Costco, and I only got in there because my dad pulled some strings. However, just when I was about to accept Ruth Bader Ginsburg as our new North Star, I saw Mark Krikorian of the Center for Immigration Studies say Gorsuch was the deciding vote in a decision that "could allow already-deported criminals to return." I'm so confused!

1) My kids seem to like every other conservative media personality except their old man.

A few weeks ago, my oldest daughter came down for dinner after spending the afternoon in her room. When I asked her what she'd been doing all day, she responded, "I know I was supposed to be doing my homework, but I found this Steven Crowder guy on YouTube and I've been watching his videos all day. He's totally awesome, have you ever heard of him?" When I told her we work together here at CRTV, she said, "Oh, I didn't know that, because he seems to be a lot bigger than you."

Then Sunday as we were leaving church, my son turned to me and dropped Ben Shapiro's catchphrase: "I didn't choose the thug life, but the thug life chose me."

On second thought, I'm not going to take these slights from the fruit of my loins personally. After all, I did raise them to have good taste.

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