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Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire: 2014 Resolutions for America's Political Elite

Politics

It was a happy, happy, happy New Year and if Democrats were being honest, this is what their resolutions would be.

Illustration Courtesy of Author.

Barrack Hussein Obama

  • I SHALL encourage all citizens to express, without fear of retribution, their thoughts and feelings about Obamacare.
  • I SHALL declare that anti-Obamacare folks are not political dissidents, but merely “misguided belief holders.” If they like their beliefs, they can keep their beliefs. Period.
  • I SHALL assure everyone who takes action to repeal Obamacare, that they will not be enrolled in “belief adjustment” seminars or railroaded to FEMA re-education camps.
  • I SHALL cancel shovel-ready railroad projects linking hundreds of FEMA re-education camps already under construction.
  • I SHALL re-open the White House to the public, reinstate veteran’s benefits, cancel welfare to illegal aliens, rebuild citizen trust in my transparent government, and never again take a selfie while wearing my onesie.

Illustration Courtesy of Author. 

Michelle Obama 

  • I SHALL celebrate being “50 and fabulous” with a low-key, budget-friendly family gathering.
  • I SHALL develop a behind-the-scenes program to share my vast personal experience with fitness, high fashion, and cosmetic make-over techniques.
  • I SHALL resist pressure from Valerie to nominate me to the next wide open seat on the Supreme Court.
  • I SHALL cease writing about the need to eat healthy food (especially carrots) since right-wingers have sabotaged sales of my home gardening book.

Illustration Courtesy of Author. 

Joe Biden

  • I SHALL campaign to become the Democrat candidate for president in 2016 by maintaining high media visibility with witty comments and displays of my sexy, manly body.
  • I SHALL select Hillary for my vice-president to help her gain the experience she did not acquire as Secretary of State while country-hopping on her quest for photo ops and a decent haircut.

Illustration Courtesy of Author. 

Eric Holder

  • I SHALL contemplate the sage advice of Horton, my favorite elephant, who . . .

    “meant what he said,

    and said what he meant,

    and always was truthful,

    100 percent”

  • I SHALL direct my Department of Injustice to prosecute law breakers without prejudice regarding race, color, and party affiliation, even if the perpetrators cling to God and guns, drive pick-up trucks, live in or near swamps, and have really long beards.

[sharequote align="center"]If they like their beliefs, they can keep their beliefs. Period.[/sharequote]

Illustration Courtesy of Author. 

John Boehner

  • I SHALL find the courage to just say “no” to Harry Reid.
  • I SHALL stop flip-flopping from Republican to Rino to Democrat to Progressive kool-aid drinker and back to Republican.
  • I SHALL restore my skin to its natural color, whatever that is.
  • I SHALL never ever cry in public again.

Illustration Courtesy of Author. 

Hillary Clinton

  • I SHALL complete my next best seller, “It Takes the Village People to Transform a Country.”
  • I SHALL continue my investigation regarding the loss of four American lives and 20,000 surface-to-air missiles during the Benghazi attack.
  • I SHALL appear humble while accepting awards for my work which has made a difference in the resurgence of peace in Syria, Egypt, Somalia, Russia, Yemen, and the Ukraine.
  • I SHALL sue to block publication of a sexist book, “How to Succeed in Politics Without Having Accomplished Anything At All.”

Illustration Courtesy of Author. 

Bill Clinton

  •  I SHALL live by my vow of chastity when Hillary’s White House is filled with nubile government interns.

Illustration Courtesy of Author. 

Washington D.C. Fire Department

  • WE SHALL install hundreds of additional fire alarms in Washington, D.C. to quell the continual pants-on-fire outbreaks.

Illustration Courtesy of Author. 

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