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The Church of Climate-ology and the EPA


The EPA fined cows that farted methane and everyone lived happy happy happily ever after.

Illustration courtesy of author.

Once upon a time there lived a politician who salivated when thinking of the power, money, and adoration that would come his way when he became the most powerful person on the planet as president of his country. Unfortunately, he didn’t quite win election, and so, shifted his focus from global leadership to global warming. He reinvented himself as Father GreenJeans and launched a cause as guardian of all things green, including Christmas trees, pond scum, and Kermit.

Illustration courtesy of author.

Because every “progressive” cause required a designated culprit, Father GreenJeans decided to blame global warming on carbon dioxide emissions created by fossil fuel emissions. To promote his ideology, he flew hither and yon in his private, carbon-spewing jetliner, ranting and raving against oil robber barons who were killing the planet and melting polar caps with their poisonous product . . . crude oil.

Father GreenJeans published and sold millions of copies of his book of inconvenient half-truths, built a carbon-gobbling mansion, and became the favorite child of the tree huggers in tinsel town. They assisted in the creation of a documentary horror story that scared the c-c-carbon out of viewers. Father GreenJeans became a global sensation for his heroic efforts to save the planet, and was awarded an Oscar, the Nobel Peace Prize, and a divorce (in that order).

To boost membership in his ministry in The Church of Climate-ology (and to sell more books, DVDs, bumper stickers, and t-shirts), Father GreenJeans launched a cable TV network that attracted almost no viewers. When he decided to dump his failed show biz investment, guess who showed up with 30 pieces of silver? His former enemies, the “fossil fuel merchants of death,” who owned Al Qaeda’s favorite propaganda network, Al Jazerra TV. Their programs featured hate-filled diatribes that championed extermination of Jews, homosexuals, the country of Israel, and all non-Muslim infidels.

Illustration courtesy of author.

Cash outweighed conviction and Father GreenJeans sold out to the America haters which gave them instant access into millions of homes in the very country they were dedicated to destroy. What a convenient truth!

Now Al Qaeda could influence idealistic American teenagers to strap on home-made bombs, proclaim “Allah Akbar” and blow themselves to smithereens in crowded pizza parlors.

Arrrrrgh! (But, I digress.)

Then, when Mother Earth moved into a cooling cycle, global warming became a tougher sell. So, Father GreenJeans packed up his millions of dollars and wandered away from The Church of Climate-ology.

His followers merged with the EPA (Environmental Protection Agency), which had been founded on the half-truths and falsehoods promoted by Father GreenJeans. The unelected Kool-Aid drinking bureaucrats of this agency had become super-duper empowered to develop super-duper programs to “save” Mother Earth at any price and by any means whatsoever.

Cheered on by Der Fuehrer in the White House, the EPA declared they were guardians of Mother Earth. The agency not only declared war against any type of “climate change,” but also against those responsible for record-breaking winter temperatures and appearance of the dreaded “polar vortex.”

Illustration courtesy of author.

The targets of their blame game . . .

became  . . .

wait for it . . .

drum roll . . .

all businesses and homes powered by electricity, cars with engines, companies that mined and pumped energy, humans who exhaled, and cows who farted methane. The EPA declared these carbon dioxide emitters were to be punished with punitive and progressive carbon taxes.

C’mon now, imposing taxes on people who exhaled carbon dioxide, enjoyed electricity in their homes, drove cars, and consumed energy in their businesses? Was that incredibly stupid . . .  or incredibly smart? It depends on the ultimate goal.

Illustration courtesy of author. 

And so it became that the EPA gathered steam and bought support from carefully selected legislators in congress. Fines and taxes were levied against the named culprits, especially anyone (in America) who fracked and/or pumped oil out of the ground.

[sharequote align="center"]EPA declared war against all businesses that used energy, exhaling humans, cows who farted methane.[/sharequote]

When people complained about the increased costs of food, gasoline, and home heating, Der Fuehrer reminded them of his earlier promise. Saving the Earth from excessive carbon emissions would mean, “energy costs would necessarily become higher” and would necessarily create hardship for the folks in the middle class. (How’s that for a truly inconvenient time for him to actually keep a promise!)

Then, as America’s energy production ground to a halt, billions of dollars were transferred to Father GreenJean’s pals, the robber barons in the Mid-East. They who ramped up their machines to pump more oil, pollute more air, and jacked up prices on oil sold to the Great Satan (America).

Illustration courtesy of author.

Regardless of the ramifications of their edicts, the EPA greenies celebrated themselves for saving the planet. They didn’t care that the country had become increasingly dependent on energy from tyrants who hated America.

Finally, citizens awakened to the truth. The environmental claptrap never was about saving Mother Earth, just like Obamacare never was about healthcare. It was about power and control. With unlimited government power to regulate and tax, the future looked bright for the EPA greenies  . . . but not for the citizens who reverted to transportation by horse and buggy (but not in New York City).

Higher energy costs drove businesses to China, India, and off-shore countries who ramped up their production of products to sell Americans. Unhampered by EPA regulations, fines, taxes,and oversight, foreign manufacturers continued to spew billions of tons of carbon pollution into the planet’s atmosphere.

But, no biggie. They laughed all the way to the banks while enjoying the ridiculous scenario of a handful of looney-tunes bureaucrats who had destroyed the economy of the formerly greatest country on Earth.

Back in Washington, Der Fuehrer and his henchpersons also laughed all the way to their bank accounts . . . off shore. They celebrated achievement of the goal to spread America’s wealth around to every tyrant, dictator, and despot who sucked oil out of their kingdoms.

A question for you, dear reader.

Is there a happily ever after in this fable? Maybe yes, if we vote, and supervise the counting of the votes, and remove the EPA enablers from office. Otherwise, the unhappily ever after of this fable will be a fundamentally transformed country with citizens enslaved by the spawn of Father Greenjeans’ Church of Climate-ology . . . the EPA.

The end.

TheBlaze contributor channel supports an open discourse on a range of views. The opinions expressed in this channel are solely those of each individual author.

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