13 Things Joe Biden Is NOT ALLOWED to Say at Tonight's Debate

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Polls show that expectations are not high for Joe Biden in tonight's much-anticipated VP debate.  Based on Biden's propensity to wax offensive, all can be sure that team Obama has worked overtime to reduce the chances of a classic Biden gaffe. Even Obama campaign spokesperson Robert Gibbs says the campaign has attempted to "soften" Biden's rhetoric.    Here is the unsubstantiated report (read: this is fictional) on what Biden is not allowed to say, or do, in the debate.

1. Swear

The Vice President never served in the Navy, but he does swear like a sailor.  Most notably saying "This is a big fu**ing deal" after the administrations passage of Obamacare.  There will most likely be bleep button ready during the live debate.

"This is a big fu***ng deal!" --Joe Biden, caught on an open mic congratulating President Barack Obama during the health care signing ceremony, Washington, D.C., March 23, 2010

"An hour late, oh give me a f**king break." –Joe Biden, caught on a live mic speaking to a former Senate colleague after arriving on Amtrak at Union Station in Washington, D.C., March 13, 2009

2. Put People In Chains

Biden is not allowed to use any "slavery"reference in the debates, like he did in August.

“Look at what they [Republicans] value, and look at their budget. And look what they're proposing. [Romney] said in the first 100 days, he's going to let the big banks write their own rules -- unchain Wall Street. They're going to put y'all back in chains." --Joe Biden, speaking to a largely African-American audience in Danville, Va., Aug. 14, 2012

3. Highly Sexual References

Our VP has a tendency for the double entendre. Dont believe me?

"Folks, I can tell you I've known eight presidents, three of them intimately." --Joe Biden, Aug. 22, 2012

"I promise you, the president has a big stick. I promise you." --Joe Biden, citing Theodore Roosevelt's famous quote, "Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far." (April 26, 2012)

4. Declaring Himself President

Joe Biden has run for president three times in the last 20 years.  It must be confusing to have come so close.

"My mother believed and my father believed that if I wanted to be president of the United States, I could be, I could be Vice President!" --Joe Biden, campaigning in Youngstown, Ohio, May 16, 2012

5.  Not Being Exactly Sure Who Is Dead and Who Is Alive

These details are important to a (mostly living) voting population.

"His mom lived in Long Island for ten years or so. God rest her soul. And- although, she's- wait- your mom's still- your mom's still alive. Your dad passed. God bless her soul." --Joe Biden, on the mother of Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen, who is very much alive, Washington, D.C., March 17, 2010

6.  Begin Widespread Panic

Never a good strategy.

"I wouldn't go anywhere in confined places now. … When one person sneezes it goes all the way through the aircraft. That's me. I would not be, at this point, if they had another way of transportation, suggesting they ride the subway." --Joe Biden, providing handy tips to protect against the swine flu and freaking us out, "Today Show" interview, April 30, 2009

7. Racism

Never really a winner these days.

"You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent.... I'm not joking." --Joe Biden, in a private remark to an Indian-American man caught on C-SPAN, June, 2006

8. Make a Potty Joke

"A successful dump!" --Joe Biden, explaining his whereabouts (dropping deadwood at the dump) to the reporters outside his home, Wilmington, Del., Aug. 20, 2008

9. Count/ Spell

These things can get confusing.

"Look, John's last-minute economic plan does nothing to tackle the number-one job facing the middle class, and it happens to be, as Barack says, a three-letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S, jobs." --Joe Biden, Athens, Ohio, Oct. 15, 2008

10.  Insult the Supreme Court

Especially since they have helped out the BFD.

"Am I doing this again? For the senior staff? My memory is not as good as Chief Justice Roberts'." --Joe Biden, mocking Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts' botched effort to swear in Barack Obama as Biden was set to swear in White House senior staff one day after the Inauguration snafu, Washington, D.C., Jan. 21, 2009

"Jill and I had the great honor of standing on that stage, looking across at one of the great justices, Justice Stewart." –Joe Biden, mistakenly referring to Justice John Paul Stevens, who swore him in as vice president, Washington, D.C., Jan. 20, 2009

11. Say Any of This About President Obama

I mean, he is your boss.

"A man I'm proud to call my friend. A man who will be the next President of the United States — Barack America!" --Joe Biden, at his first campaign rally with Barack Obama after being announced as his running mate, Springfield, Ill., Aug. 23, 2008

"I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man." –Joe Biden, referring to Barack Obama at the beginning of the 2008 Democratic primary campaign, Jan. 31, 2007

12. Say This About the Administration

60% of the time, it works every time.

"If we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, there's still a 30% chance we're going to get it wrong." --Joe Biden, speaking to members of the House Democratic caucus who were gathered in Williamsburg, Va., for their annual retreat, Feb. 6, 2009

13. Say This About Himself

Hey, at least he's humble.

 "Hillary Clinton is as qualified or more qualified than I am to be vice president of the United States of America. Quite frankly, it might have been a better pick than me." --Joe Biden, speaking at a town hall meeting in Nashua, New Hampshire, Sept. 10, 2008

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All quotes credited to Bidenisms on About.com.