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Conservative Review

What we know for sure: You’re a racist

Despite our best efforts at cultural self-destruction, we have almost made it to Election Day. The “Whoever’s Dumbest Last Loses” sweepstakes strikes at midnight next Tuesday. What will happen at the polls is anyone’s guess.

Will we turn into pumpkins? Who will Kanye vote for? Will the number of possible genders reach infinity and beyond?

With so much uncertainty, it’s probably best to focus on what we know for sure.

First, you are a racist. Down in Florida, we know that because a staffer for Democrats gubernatorial candidate Andrew Gillum has renamed the Sunshine state the “Cracker State.” That should really help tourism – beautiful beaches and Disney World can only take you so far.

The same staffer also identified “white guilt” as progressivism’s most vital campaign tactic to win in Florida, which basically means “vote for me because of how awful you are.” I know, it has a catchy beat.

Moving on to the Mexican border, it is also clear you are a racist if you want to end birthright citizenship for illegal immigrants, which we can learn from the actual author of the 14th Amendment isn’t really a thing, but that means you are also a racist because you can read.

And one more thing about this whole notion of birthrights: Please don’t mistake that concept as a right to actually be born. Because if you do, you’re a misogynist as well as a racist. That magical thing that happens to give illegal immigrants more rights than actual Americans clearly does not mean babies have any inherent value whatsoever.

I mean, the reasoning is airtight. Everyone gets a choice to live their truth except babies and white male Republican Christians. Or Megyn Kelly. Or Candace Owens and Blexit. Or the makers of “Black Panther,” who think it is insane that white kids shouldn’t be allowed to dress up as the black superhero. Or anyone who doesn’t cult like we cult. Please try to keep up.

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