Chief Terrorizing Officer (cto)
No experience? No problem! If you’re a self-starting, unhinged sociopath looking to finally take your game to the pros (with guest spots galore on Al Jazeera!), then we’re looking for you!
About the Company
Totally Not Al Qaeda, LLC* is an organization poised for our biggest terrorizing years ever. After an unplanned “shake up” at the top of the company (boo, Uncle Sam!), TNAQ is picking itself off, dusting off the red, white and blues, and starting all over again! We’re a backward-looking company (10th century) looking to aggressively reorganize and re-energize for the future. Ready to get “kicked upstairs?” Great!
Sure, you want to make your own hours. But can you…make your own nukes? If you just answered, “Heck Yes!,” then this could be the opportunity of a lifetime.** TNAQ is eager to find our new CFO, a proactive terrorist who’s tired of the same old, ho-hum, “take hostages-brainwash youth into suicide bombers-use a fanatical religious philosophy as a rationalization for unthinkably evil deeds.” That’s so 2001! If you’re up to filling some pretty big sandals, in no time you could be setting the terror agenda, shaping corporate mass murder policy, and reporting to no one but the man upstairs and your own conscience (LOL!). If you can dream it, we can make it come true!***
- Denver Pyle-esque beard
- Highly-organized, discreet, likes cave-dwelling
- Body doubles helpful but not required
- Proficiency in Fear Mongering and MS Office Suite, especially Excel
- Strong verbal and writing skills, and can compose notes using cut-out letters from random newspapers and magazines
- Knowledge of infrastructure of major American cities (bridges, tunnels, power plants, etc.) preferred
- Open to travel (usually in the dead of night)
- Appreciates a good old-fashioned stoning
- Ability to thrive in a high-pressure environment where multiple tasks are performed simultaneously (i.e., killing infidels, thinking about killing infidels, deciding who exactly is an infidel)
- All around oppressor
- Complete disregard for human life
- Loves social networking
- BS or BA in Cataclysmic Event Planning
- Free medical/dental after three months, 401k after six
- Direct deposit into offshore account of your choice (who needs to handle a lot of cash still smelling of Saudi crude?)
- iPad with proprietary Mayhem app
- Become a household name
- Generous turban allowance
- Company camel
- Be the “meeting” every world leader is trying to get
- Kill people just for “kicks”
- Complimentary dialysis****
- Use of corporate apartment in Cairo (available late summer, 2011)
- 24-hour personal security with nearly unblemished record
So what are you waiting for? Get some sand between your toes and an experience like no other as the CTO of TNAQ. Dare to be the worst anyone can ever be! Email your resume and YouTube links of your recent treachery to HR@TNAQ.org. Totally Not Al Qaeda, LLC is an EEOC employer.*****
*Formerly Al Qaeda, Inc.
**Could be truncated due to coordinated intelligence efforts.
***With absolutely no help from Pakistan…wink!
****Gently used mobile unit available as signing bonus
*****Except for you Charlie Sheen. You freak even us out!