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Christmas is cancelled


Given the state of the world economy and the high-tension nature of international politics, it was just a matter of time before Mr. Claus had to close his shops.

Personally, we were amazed that he was able to keep his factories running for as long as he did, despite the number of financial and economic setbacks that have cropped up in recent years (admittedly, we were even more amazed by the fact that his employees were making iPhones with nothing but wooden mallets).

"Ho, Ho, Ho! Take this job and shove it!"

Sadly, all good things come to an end. Apparently, our inability to incorporate that "new civility" into our political dialogue killed Mr. Claus' shops, thereby forcing him to cancel Christmas:

Amalgamated North Pole Industries. L.L.C.

100 Candy Cane lane

North Pole, Arctic Circle.


To whom it may concern,

The management of A.N.P.I. would like to take this opportunity to offer a public statement regarding the recent alleged incidents involving our employees. Let me assure the general public that the elves in question have been reprimanded and placed on administrative leave pending the resolution of all legal matters.

It recently came to our attention that a number of the elves working in the electronics division of the toy workshop thought that it would be funny to program all the TIVO’s set for bench testing to record nothing but the Republican debates, and MSNBC news analysis.

During the company Christmas party (celebrated daily) a few of the elven technicians, whose judgment was impaired from the eggnog, decided to play the broadcasts for all to see.

A number of fights broke out with elves rallying to cries such as “Look at him, Ron Paul is one of us!” and “ Newt is Santa’s twin brother without the beard!”

When the dust settled, the electronics shop was in shambles, (hence the shortage of iPhone 4’s).

The elves began to spend all of their time hacking into the databases of pollsters like Rasmussen and Zogby manipulating data. Then they started hacking into banks transferring funds in and out of the various campaigns. A couple of days ago, agents from the F.B.I. and F.E.C. showed up and confiscated all of our computers. No real work has been done since and we are insurmountably behind on our quotas for toys.

Therefore, I must regretfully inform you all that Christmas is hereby canceled.


Santa Claus

[Editor’s note: the above was written by a good friend of mine who is a conservative writer, policy analyst and is currently involved with a federal campaign in Maryland. He writes a fake Santa's-going-out-of-business letter every year and, for my money’s worth, they keep getting better.]

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