Some of Obama's Top One-Liners From the Annual Gridiron Dinner

President Barack Obama walks with Chief of Staff Denis McDonough, right, as they leave the Gridiron Dinner through a loading area at a hotel in Washington, Saturday, March 9, 2013. (AP)

President Barack Obama dished out a few jabs but also directed some jokes at himself at the annual white-tie Gridiron Club dinner Saturday night.

No TV cameras were allowed, but here are some of Obama's top barbs, per the official White House transcript:

Before I begin, I know some of you have noticed that I'm dressed a little differently from the other gentlemen. Because of sequester, they cut my tails. (Laughter.) My joke writers have been placed on furlough. (Laughter.)

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I last attended the Gridiron dinner two years ago.  Back then, I addressed a number of topics -- a dysfunctional Congress, a looming budget crisis, complaints that I don’t spend enough time with the press.  It’s funny, it seems like it was just yesterday.  (Laughter.)

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I know that some folks think we responded to Woodward too aggressively.  But hey, when has -- can anybody tell me when an administration has ever regretted picking a fight with Bob Woodward?  (Laughter.)  What’s the worst that could happen?  (Laughter and applause.)

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Now, since I don’t often speak to a room full of journalists -- (laughter) -- I thought I should address a few concerns tonight.  Some of you have said that I’m ignoring the Washington press corps -- that we're too controlling.  You know what, you were right.  I was wrong and I want to apologize in a video you can watch exclusively at whitehouse.gov.  (Laughter.)

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I'm sure that you’ve noticed that there's somebody very special in my life who is missing tonight, somebody who has always got my back, stands with me no matter what and gives me hope no matter how dark things seem.  So tonight, I want to publicly thank my rock, my foundation -- thank you, Nate Silver.  (Laughter.)

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[Obama at one point took a long drink of water] That, Marco Rubio, is how you take a sip of water.

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We face major challenges.  March in particular is going to be full of tough decisions...don’t worry -- there is an entire team in the situation room as we speak, planning my next golf outing, right now at this moment.  (Laughter.)

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[M]aintaining credibility in this cynical atmosphere is harder than ever -- incredibly challenging.  My administration recently put out a photo of me skeet shooting and even that wasn’t enough for some people.  Next week, we’re releasing a photo of me clinging to religion.  (Laughter and applause.)

[...]

With all these new faces, it’s hard to keep track of who is in, who is out.  And I know it's difficult for you guys as reporters.  But I can offer you an easy way of remembering the new team.  If Ted Cruz calls somebody a communist, then you know they’re in my cabinet.  (Laughter.)

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Look, it’s no secret that my Vice President is still ambitious.  But let's face it, his age is an issue.  Just the other day, I had to take Joe aside and say, “Joe, you are way too young to be the pope."  (Laughter.)